Oh Songbird how I wish we could just wave that magic wand sometimes and make all this crap go away...

I read through your list and I recognized every word. I'm doing ok at the moment, but I can feel that bad time so close to the surface - like this better patch is just the skin on custard, and that one false move could send me back there. There is so little we can do, but so much goodwill out here for us all. At the end of the day, you have two choices - to fight on or to give up. I know that you will fight on, because you just will. You are tough and brave. You have to believe that this bad time will pass, and that there's something better ahead.

When you are in that deep black pit of relentless pain, you can't see anything but the darkness around you. But there is hope, and you have people who love and need you, and sometimes that has to be enough for now. I went through times of thinking what's the point in carrying on, I wish I was just not here now, I just want to stop hurting.

Of course there is a way out, and personally I believe we all have a right to make the ultimate choice if the day comes where there really is nothing left but pain and fear. Try making a list and thinking the whole morbid thing through - it actually helped me get out of my pit. I divided a piece of paper in half, and wrote the grim reasons why on one side, and good stuff on the other. And I listed stuff. And after I had written the crap stuff on the bad side, I stopped and thought about what the good stuff in my life was. I put my husband and children, then my parents and sisters (even if they can drive me mad at times), my dog and cats, paused, then wrote my piano and cello, the book I'm writing, sitting in my garden, cooking a big fat chocolate cake when my kids are at school and seeing their faces when they walk through the door, watching a perfect summer sunrise, eating ice creams with my children... It's amazing the things you find that actually make you feel good. Things you want to do again, see again, feel again. It made me realise that I wasn't ready to give up all that and let this win. It REALLY made me think. I cried for hours, but I turned a corner that day because I just had to. I keep the paper in a safe place in case I need it. It helps.

Everyone is different, I'm not saying do this and you will be fine. If only! Just that this is what helped me at a really bad time.

CRPS takes so much away. It is a relentless thief, a murderer of so many dreams and plans. But it does not have to win.

You are a fantastic mother to your little girl, and I'm betting that she wouldn't want to be without you for a minute. The reason? Even in your darkest time, she is there in front of you and the first thing you think of. Even if you couldn't move from your bed, you could still talk to her, listen to her, be with her - those things are worth any number of Disneyland trips, running through woods, dancing with them... Those things are lovely, but you have to find others that you can do without aggravating your pain. Sit down with her and talk about the CRPS, that you hate the fact that you can't do some of the things you would like to, but ask her what things she can think of for you to do together that wouldn't hurt you too much. I did this with my youngest, and she got really creative with it! I think she enjoyed it in that basic way children do. We made a list of things and we pick something from it when we want to.

I arrange for her to do active things like swimming, etc with another child's mum if my husband or mum can't help. And if she resents it we talk about it, I try not to let her get angry about it all. It doesn't work all the time, but she knows I hate it too, and I think that counts for a lot. I feel really blue when she is out doing something that I wanted to do with her, and someone else is there instead. I think it's only natural. But when she comes in I ask her to sit with me and tell me all about it, so that I can see it too. Kids understand more than we know, and the basics of being a good mother you already have there. You're a better mum that many that have full use of their bodies....feel proud of that.

Sorry if any of this has sounded preachy or like I imagine myself to be a great moralist I don't!

Take care of yourself and your little girl, and I hope tomorrow is brighter

Bram