I don't even know where to start. I have four children.

My oldest is 21 and was diagnosed with bipolar and ODD at the age of 12. By the time he was 16 he refused meds and started self medicating with whatever he could get his hands on and would refuse to go to school. The more we pushed, the more he pushed back. I won't get into the things we dealt with. He hasn't lived at home since he was 18.

My youngest child is 12, was born very premature (with less than a 10% chance of survival), has Autism, and is mild-moderate mentally challenged.

My about to turn 14 year old is currently hospitalized and has just been diagnosed with bipolar and intermittent explosive disorder. I am devastated and I don't know how to cope with it. His temper has always been a problem and looking back I can see that now. Through the years, I didn't know how much of it was attention seeking (since his younger brother required so much attention and high level of care and we always had his various therapists in and out of our house), how much of it was learned from his older brother, and I guess I always figured that if someone felt there was a problem they would bring it to my attention (we had a behavioral specialist in our home a lot for our younger son among other therapists). I was waiting for him to mature and grow older, thinking he would grow out of it. But, he just grew bigger than me.

A week and a half ago he choked me and head butted me as hard as he could in my nose. My nose bled for hours and it still hurts. He put holes in the walls, threw a cup of juice down my kitchen walls, threw his ps3 down the stairs. This was triggered because I wouldn't let him go to his friends house to spend the night or let his friend spend the night at our home. A couple months ago he choked me and slammed my arm in a door because he was trying to skip school and I made him get out of bed and go. He gets in little trouble at school, but his level of respect for his teachers and his grades follow the same pattern of his behavior at home. In between, he can be a super great kid, very loving and helpful, and gets decent grades. But, then all hell breaks loose when this happens and the slightest things trigger him.

This is day 9 in the hospital. He knew what was going on and that he wasn't being rational and wanted treatment. That's a hopeful sign to me. They put him on Abilify and he seems to be doing better now and he may be coming home tomorrow. They're talking about putting him in a partial hospitalization program for school when it resumes so he can continue to see a therapist on a daily basis and have a psych there. He wants to go and I'm all for it.

I feel like I should have known what was going on. Everything was right in front of me. It's my fault that it got this far. And I want him to have a better outcome than his brother.