After I read your post, this quote came to mind.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)

I can relate in every way to what you are going through. You do sometimes feel as though you’re being punished and that your body is like a torture chamber. You want to be your former self. I believe there is a grieving process while becoming this new version of you.

IMO you MUST find a doctor who will treat you, and work to get your pain under some kind of control. Even if that means that it will be a hike to do so. Hopefully you will find someone who can help.

I know it feels like no one gets it, but anyone on this forum with this condition knows exactly where you are at. I promise you that I have had days where I have had thoughts of checking out. I always come back to how awful that would be for those who love me. I have children who still need me, to the point of my exhaustion sometimes, but they really do still need their mom even if I’m not the same person I used to be. My point is, you can do this, but it’s going to be work (and that sucks, but it is true).

I feel for your situation and how hard things are for you right now. PLEASE remember that every ounce of stress is causing you more pain. I say this and yet I too am still trying to learn the art of Zen. Try to do something like take a bath. Something that will relax your body. Try and distract yourself. Perhaps that will help. Look around at the stressors in your life and start to figure out what can be eliminated.

Your relationships, all of them probably, will change and evolve. Those who are true to you, will recognize that you can only do what you can do, and will be as accommodating as possible. Many times I have felt the frustration of trying to enjoy a “good time” only for it to be cut short because my body was screaming. I think there is a fair amount of work to learn acceptance. I am not even sure that is possible for me. No doubt that I get angry and sad from time to time. Hell yeah, it’s frustrating, and not one person that I know personally could ever possibly comprehend what I have been through, or what I’m going through now, or my fears about what is to come.

All this to say, hang in there Angelina! You CAN do this, and somehow, someway, perhaps it will all be okay.