Well, I knew this day would come eventually. I just didn't think it would be in my early 50's!

I've been diagnosed with this disease eight years now. I know I've had it for much longer than that.

Family and friends who know that I was dx'ed in 2005 seem to feel that I've progressed quickly. I don't feel that way because I've experienced symptoms for a long, long time. Just because they can't see the disease doesn't mean it wasn't plowing away at me for years before the official dx.

I do feel old. I feel like I've aged rapidly since my diagnosis. I've slowed down to the point of being sedentary.

It just takes too much energy to do even the smallest task. I have to weigh the satisfaction of completing a task with the energy it's going to take to do it before I can even decide whether or not to attempt it!

Just going out for lunch or dinner has become almost more effort than it's worth. I just don't enjoy it anymore.

Between the anxiety it causes because I have to venture into unknown territory.....are there stairs.....are there bathrooms close by and can I navigate my way to them quickly.....will my spasticity in my legs prevent me from walking after sitting for a while.....will I be able to eat without it looking like a 2 year old was sitting there......can I have iced tea or water with my meal without worrying about getting to the potty in time.....just so many things to consider that it makes me just want to say "forget it"! It's just not worth the effort.

Before anyone comes to the conclusion that I'm depressed....I'm not! I just miss the things I used to be able to do. I do get enjoyment from other things. And I'm happy my kids and others are able to do the things I'm now not able to do. I still enjoy hearing about them. But I do miss being able to join them in doing these things. Does that make any sense?

I guess I'm just feeling "old" before my time. I don't like being so dependent on others for so many things. But I'm thankful I have those people in my life that I know I can depend on.

I feel guilty for my kids even though they are adults and have turned out beautifully. They've experienced more loss in their short lives than some folks experience in a lifetime......and I just feel like my disease is one more thing they have to deal with. Hey, guilt and being a Mom go hand in hand. We all just want everything to go smoothly for our kids.

I know others must feel some of the same things as I do.

Edit to add: I think I know why I'm feeling so nostalgic......today would have been our Wedding Anniversary and the 9th will be the 12th anniversary of my DH's passing.