Advance warning this is rather long - just read through most post - so please skip it if you are not in the mood to read a bunch of whining.

I am just starting my journey down this path, I don't have any sort of stress from denials or the stress of the application process yet.

Plenty of feelings though about getting to a place where it's clear that I am not going to be able to return to work as I had planned. I have loved my work as a nurse. Not all the staff I work with for sure, but my patients. Right now I feel like a failure, that I didn't do better. I feel like my co-workers are likely judging me & thinking I'm a fraud, I also feel bad whenever someone asks about my work & I end up explaining. It's just a loss - I will grow a thicker skin in time. Do others feel this way - at least at first? Like people are judging them as a scam? I have all my limbs & I can walk, etc. I wish pain showed on the outside because then it would be clear.

All of my hobbies are active ones, except for reading. Been active in dance all my life & at least for now it's clear that is out of the picture. The surgeon said I was fine to go back to class - I used to take 3 classes a week & I have not taken 3 classes in the 6 months since my surgery. I tried the most basic, beginning level one (basically glorified walking) and took it easy. My pain has been off the charts the past 5 days. I can't do any real housework, I do manage to pull a few weeds but I can only do it for 20 minutes or so a couple times a week - by bringing a gardening chair out - the bottom is rounded so I can tip forward without having to bend. I have a huge yard & it is a hot mess, with the limited amount of work I can do.

Anyway that's it. This just bites. I never asked for this, never expected it. I've worked for decades & have come back from many injuries & surgeries, what have you. Malingering is not in my blood, have never asked for pain meds before. I've been a patient for over 2 decades in the hospital system / clinic I am seen at now - I have no history of med seeking. None of that makes any difference now - it's clear I am getting the junkie treatment.