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I understand what you mean. My suicidal compulsions are truly "compulsions" or rather very strong impulses. There is no premeditated plan or action to it. I have never attempted suicide either. I recently discovered these impulses can be a result of brain damage, as well and is actually listed on the adverse side effects from Cipro toxicity as well.

I had an MRI read to me yesterday which shows evidence of "Demylinization" that confirms that my brain readings are indeed abnormal and consistent with nerve damage. So these impulses could be from a mix of desperation and the damage itself.

This could be seen clearly when I get suicidal compulsions for no reason, even when I'm feeling fine.

About my type of suicidal compulsions: here's an analogy, it's like the people who threw themselves from the burning Twin Towers in the 911 attacks. They didn't kill themselves, they were just reacting on impulse when the fires intense heat became too much to handle. I'm sure they had no conscious control over it.

But hopefully that will never happen to me. As it is, there is no doubt I was steadily healing until just a week ago when I began to feel new and frightening neuropathy spreading through my body.

This struck me as odd, since I had been on a very steady healing pace for months.

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As far as Quality of Life and Spirituality. I can't help believing there is a God, as much as I'd want to be an atheist, I can not be one. The evidence of a working God is all around me.

The answer for disasters and disease are not known, I do not have the mind of God, so I don't understand why people get sick, or even if the theme of "deserving" something has any real merit in this reality.

I do however feel this way -- here's another analogy.

Imagine two empty rooms. Except one room has a pair of shoes in it.
Now, if I asked you which room do you think had people in it, which one would you choose?

Obviously, most would say the one with the shoes in it. So even if you can't see or sense people there, there is evidence that people were there.

To me, this is why I can not be an atheist. Just like the pair of shoes in that one mysterious room, there are billions of stars, galaxies, and all forms of life, here on earth, too, which show that there is far more than just an accident of cosmic chemistry to account for the glory of existence.

Even famed atheists and evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins, says there has to be more. He doesn't even agree with Stephen Hawkins, who says that asking what happened before the big bang is like asking what's north of the north pole? - principally, it doesn't make sense. And even Dawkins infers this. Just like we can't prove there is a God, they certainly can not prove there is not.

We as PN sufferers have been dealt a bad hand of cards, but even a bad hand can have an Ace or Wild-Card in it, so I never give up hope.

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