And mine, I've ranted and raved & had many discussions over things no one in my family or friends would be bothered to be interested in. NT has been quite literally my lifeline for sometime now.

I think that I have learned more here than from any other NT forum.

Thank you all .

I love the fact that our PN is so vastly different, yet we have a 'bond'...

Forgive me for always being so whiney and negative but I can only share here. I live alone, I like to live isolated and insulated and only come to life when I am around my children, but that is only once every couple weeks and I refuse to ever complain to them and I want to keep that time special and always be their "Shelter from the Storm". You all are my safety and only here do I feel I can share. I don't want to suck the life outta you all but I am struggling.

The PN has been horrific! I had to get out to go food shopping as there was nothing here to eat. Clearly poor nutrition is not my friend so I got myself out to the market. Sometimes distraction and movement helps but not today. I had to leave with hardly anything.

I am so scared! Even my hand is going limp and numb. Crap...I am so despondent just now. The day food shopping becomes a major challenge then this is not a life worth living, nor the efforts to stay sober.

I am in serious need of a friend and words of encouragement.

You got this. Look back to your worst hours in the bottle and determine whether that was a better life. Maybe tomorrow you will wake up and your body will be on the rebound.

Never give up.

SEcond Chances NT is my go to, whine away as much as you wish, but as a truthful observation, I don't read or see you as someone always whining. I read someone sharing honest torment. It is clear you are having a tough time & just as many of us do; we feel family, friends and loved ones are beyond our reach when it comes to baring our soul and revealing our inner fears. Sharing with complete strangers can be cathartic.

But I believe SC you've got this, pain is an insidious beast and a trickster, it will drive you to think you need something not in our best interests. You are stronger than you believe.

While I'm not an alcoholic, I live with one and I have suffered addiction to Xanax, or Alprazolam as it's known in some countries. In short it's a benzo drug. My PN sends signals to my brain, it joins up with my back pain & whispers take a Xanax, it will wipe the pain, you'll get some sleep, it will make you feel better. And it will for a short time, a very short time but before I succumb to sleep, many things will take place. Wakening will reveal the downside of my succumbing with a total memory wipe of the things I do while under the influence, the passages I write, the things I say and commit to & the things I have said and done. I will have zero recollection. Inevitably I will have been a biatch and a right royal pain in the butt to my dearest DB who has his own path and troubles.

Then there is the reality of facing the inevitable withdrawal all over again, just that 1 x 2mg tablet on ONE day only triggers many days of angst, anxiety, sweats, palpitations, irritation and in essence lots of unpleasant days ahead, sometimes weeks. I hate the drug with a passion, but I love the way it makes me feel, so I can empathise with you in your stating if life is a major challenge then life is not worth living nor the effort to stay away from this particular drug, or in your instance sober.

But trust me, the day will come where you will regret the choice to imbibe, or in my case succumb to Xanax. I started this passage with stating nerve pain is a trickster, I truly believe it works in tandem with the part of our brain which says doing this will make it better.

Have you heard of EMUAID® Ointment, I've read many reports it helps. my dad who suffered alcohol / diabetes caused PN used an ointment for many years, I can't recall what it was, he had special shoes to help him walk because he could no longer feel the ground, he used a foot bath once or twice a week & he used a foot vibration pad daily. I also remember he had a soft squishy ball he squeezed for a minute or so every hour during the day. Dad lived to 89, today it's 6 years since his death. Dad suffered with PN from the age of 50 so I wonder if it's a genetic thing as well, my sister and brother also suffer with it along with me. I think I recall you saying you don't like to take medication for your PN, maybe Emuaid might help, I've also read swimming & or in pool exercising can assist with PN.

I wish you well SC, hang in there and remember the brain is a powerful muscle, distraction techniques also have had modest success. We have supermarkets which allow you to go online and order your weekly groceries, toiletries etc, you choose your delivery day and time, all you need do is put it away on arrival. Something to consider for the days you feel unable/unwilling to venture out. You've got this, there is hope; hang on to it, days can be good, days can be fun (even when in pain).

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Sorry to hear you are suffering SC, but this *is* the place to talk about it, more than any other. Don't forget that it will get better, and that you will learn how to manage it. It takes time, and sometimes lowering of expectations ("full recovery"), but it will get better.

PJ, funny you mention that. When I talk about rehab, I always talk about the alcohol. Even though I know that in the grand scheme of things - especially in my country - benzos are a much bigger problem. So... I was addicted to Xanax too (one of the most addictive benzos). Because I refused to drink in the morning (hey, you're not a real alcoholic if you don't drink before 4 PM, right!? ) and had access to it, I took one or 2 Xanax to fight the hangover and get started again. By the time they wore down I was drinking, so I ended up feeling great at the end of the day even though I felt like death in the morning.

So I had this down pat. I was the one who could rig the system. I only felt bad (nightmare bad) the first 30 minutes of the day until the Xanax kicked in. "I got this!"

Um... that went a bit haywire when I started truly withdrawing from alcohol in the morning, and from Xanax while I was drinking in the evenings. That.was.not.a.good.feeling. And I knew (thankfully) that combining them at the same time could be deadly.

The people who ran the rehab confirmed that benzos are a very underestimated problem, because a) they are given to about everyone who says they feel a bit tense and b) because they are addictive as hell.

I had done this for 10 years, so when I went to rehab, I not only broke with drinking, but also with a 10 year Xanax addiction. I don't know why, but I could clearly feel and understand the difference of the symptoms I had after getting sober. Most problems that were down to drinking were gone after 3 weeks, but my shaking hands/fingers lingered at least for 4 months.

Smart me had gotten addicted to 2 of the most deadly drugs, especially in combination, and when it comes to withdrawal. Yes, Xanax withdrawal can be deadly too. And you can probably imagine that my brain wasn't too happy being deprived of both - especially when I was in pain.

So yeah, I can relate to your addiction too, sadly. But I'm happy to say that the day count for alcohol is the same as that for Xanax - I never took another one or anything like it since June 13, 2012.

Learning to manage stress without both was not a walk in the park (...). But somehow I managed, and managing stress/avoiding panic played and plays a big role in managing the PN. Keeping the faith that it will get better, that you will manage, is very important. And that doesn't mean you can't vent about it - especially here; it's just something to keep in mind, it's the attitude of "I will get through this". And you will get through it as well SC.

SC, we are all here for you so totally no need to worry if you want to vent.

I think that Pamela and Wide-O have both offered you great and supportive thoughts to sit with.

One practical suggestion - can you order healthy food on-line? The two major super-market chains here both offer this (with delivery) so it might work for you if your PN temporarily means that going to the shops is a bit hard.

Because you are brave and honest I reckon that you will get through this though I respect you way too much to pretend that it will always be easy.

I thank you my dear friends.... your words mean more than you could ever know.
Yesterday I felt so very alone and I was so very tired of the daily struggles which are only magnified by the pain and isolation. My worst fear is not being able to take care of myself and yesterday just crushed my soul. Food shopping was a fiasco but at least I got dog food but then when I looked at my poor beast I felt even he deserved a better life. He has not had a walk in the woods or a park in a long time and if I do get out for a stumble about my block, the last thing I need is him pulling me along and challenging my balance.
I have been in a tough stretch for many reason and perhaps that only makes the PN worst but emotionally I am slightly more upbeat, pulled along by your compassion and encouragement. "I will get by with a little help from my friends" here.
Forever in gratitude.

According to the DDO xanax is more addictive than Heroin. Yet we were unwittingly prescribed this drug. I had no idea, DB learned I was taking it in 2012 and told me. To this day, I believe my cessation of xanax and the CSF leak caused the grand mal seizure in August 2012. The day I broke 4 vertebrae and 2 ribs when they did CPR.

No one told me how dangerous the drug was /is. I was prescribed it in 2010 to aid with my PTSD. No one told me not to stop taking it over night, in fact nobody told me anything until DB told me it's as addictive as heroin and I thought holy crap I need to stop this stuff I don't want to be addicted to anything. So I went from 2x 2mg a day to zero on August 3rd, I had a rhyzotomy on that day and took 1mg in the evening, none after that. The headache started on the Saturday, by Friday I was in hospital and on Monday night 60 minutes after I saw the Neurosurgeon I had the seizure. I recall nothing from 7pm to 10pm. Around 10pm I asked to speak with DB on the phone, the nurse told him nothing to worry about she's just had a panic attack. I was restarted on it 3 weeks later when they realised I'd fractured T3,4,5&6 and ribs 8&9. My anxiety was out of control, I couldn't believe they discharged me from hospital with all those fractures and the nurse on discharge viciously stating I'm nothing but a drug addict wanting attention.

Benzo's who knew...

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