I have been in recovery for 7 years, so I know what it's like to be stuck in an addiction. My fiancee drinks once in a while, but lately he's been stressed about his job and drinking a bit more every night. Last night, he was extremely drunk and did and said some things completely out of character. I really want to talk to him about his drinking, but I've been in his position so I know that he may not be receptive. What should I do?

If it were me, I would either go to Al Anon, or end the relationship if his drinking gets intolerable, especially if it was putting your own sobriety in jeopardy

It's really not putting my sobriety in jeopardy because I don't like the drunk feeling any longer.

It's been a week now and he hasn't had a drink two nights in a row. I know now that he drinks for emotional reasons because I haven't seen any DTs or other signs of withdrawal. He drinks when he is stressed - a coping mechanism. I posted because we agreed early on in our relationship that one would not take their problems out on the other and he did just that!!

My main issue is that I feel that I am enabling him by not speaking up...

If he's drinking to "numb" his emotional state, or drinks because he's stressed, he could be in trouble! I think most of us drank to hide from our "problems" and to numb the pain.

He needs to find another outlet for his stress, etc., like perhaps exercising or going for walks. Drinking never solved anything -- I think we all know that. And if he continues on like this, he's going to cross that invisible line into problem drinking!

I'd speak to him and tell him your concerns. If he denies he has a problem, then he might JUST be heading for trouble. It doesn't matter how much or how often we drink -- it's what it DOES to us that makes the difference. And snce it changed his personality, and he did things he doesn't normally do, he might be headed for trouble.

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

I really don't know what to do because he's a sensitive person and I don't want to lose him. Then again, I love him enough to let him go if it means he will be health and sober. Sorry for the contradiction but I'm torn at the moment.

Leesa, these are some of the Eternal Truths that you've pointed out. Thanks--the reminders are good.

Katiebell, I think--just from what youve said--that you know you must have "the talk" with him unless he never drinks again. As Leesa pointed out, he has demonstrated too many signs of problem drinking for you not to, and for both your sakes.

If you can't bring yourself to speak to him, for whatever reason, then your own sobriety is in jeopardy & you're not able to be a strong partner for him.

But I happen to know you can do this, although it will be incredible tough....

Katie, I know what it feels like to have deal with, and to have to let go of someone I loved..It is not easy

My ex wife and I had a thing for each other 25 years ago at the time, but a relationship did not materialize

Then 25 years later, she came to AA, and those old feelngs were rekindled..I was 10 years sober at the time..We started dating when she was about 6 months sober..That was a mistake on my part..I knew better, but I did it anyway, and I paid the price

She was also bi-polar, and was on alot of medications..When she had a year of sobriety, she told me that she wanted a committment..She wanted to get married an I agreed..When she had 18 months of sobriety, we had been living together for a while, she got drunk one night while I was working..I was a commercial fisherman, and I worked alot of hours sometimes

I was mortified and discouraged..So I told her how I felt about it, and she got angry, and asked me if I was still going to marry her, and I said no..The next thing you know, she smacked me up side the head with a beer mug, and she left and was walking around in the pouring rain..She called me from a pay phone about a half an hour later crying, and saying things that made no sense, and she hung up, so in fear of what she might do, and it was pouring buckets that night, I went to look for her, but I couldnt find her

I hardly got any sleep that night, and about 10:00 am the next morning, I got a call from the Rhode Island Hospital ER, to come and get her..She had stumbled into the side of a moving car, and knocked her down..She has bruised up, and scraped up a bit, but she was ok..So I took her home, and she apologized, and vowed to stay sober and go back to meetings

We talked about what happened, and I agreed to marry her if she could put a year of sobriety together, which she did, and we got married

Three months later she relapsed on percocets she got from her Dr for back pain, and she had been drinking as well..Another trip to the ER

A month later her Dr gave her a box of Fentanyl patches for her back..Those patches have so much dope in them, that you change the patch every 3 days..One evening we were eating supper, and she was falling asleep in her plate..I knew she was doped up, so insted of arguing, I suggested that she go to bed cuz she looked tired, so she did..When she fell asleep I found the box of patches that she had gotten the previous day..The patched came 10 per box..There was only 3 left..So I ran to the bedroom and she was laying there, and her eyes were open slightly, like slits, and all I could see was the whites of her eyes..I tried to wake her up, and I shook her, and shouted her name, and she didnt respond..She was like a piece of rubber, so I called 911..The emegency techs couldnt wake her up either, so another trip to the ER..They gave her a shot of Narcan on the way to the hospital, and saved her life, but she had to be admitted for observation..Come to find out, a woman in AA who was a nurse, showed her how to get the dope out of the patches

I called her primary care Dr, and told him what happened, and asked him if he was crazy Rx-ing Fentanyl patches after what happened with the percocets

It got to the point where everytime she relapsed she ended up in the ER..I started fishing at night for a while, because the speicies I was catching was a nocturnal creature..One morning, I get home at 5:00 am, and her car was gone..So I figured, I was going to get some sleep and wait untill I got a call from some ER somewhere to come and get her

At 10:00 am, the phone rang, and it was her, and she was at the ER again..She lied and told me she called 911 cuz she was passing blood..When I got there she looked hungover, and I asked her if she had been drinking, and she denied it..So I asked the two nurses standing behind me why she was here..They looked angry, and told me that they wished they could tell me why she was there, but couldnt tell me cuz of the Dr/patient confidentiality..So I persisted she tell me the truth and she finally did, and one of the nurses said, "Yes, and her blood alcohol count was .30"

She was at a Chinese Restaurant that had a bar with entertainment, and dancing etc..She got so drunk, that she fell face first on the floor when she was leaving, so the manager called 911

I was so angry that I went to the restaurant and asked to see the manager..And I asked him why the hell they kept serving her that much booze, when they should have shut her off..The manager told me that I should ask the policeman that was on duty in the bar that night, why he didnt intervene

So now Im f-ing livid, and I went to the police station, and asked to talk to the cop that was on duty that night, and it was his day off, so they asked me what the problem was, and I told them, what had happened and that her BAC was .30, and that there was a cop on duty there, and she managed to get that drunk and she was going to drive home?..They told me to talk to the lieutenant, and they went and got him..I told him the story, and my concern that she was going to drive home in that condition?..And the lieutenant told me no, she was getting a ride from the guy she was with

So I didnt know what to do?..Was she out screwing around, or were the cops giving me a story to cover their hides

Well she got drunk again shortly after, and she said she would go in a 30 day program, but she had to go out and buy some things that she would need for the long stay..2 hours later, I get a call from a my buddy's wife, that she was at her house drunk as a skunk..So here we go again!!..When I got there, the front tire and rim were mangled..She must have hit a curb or something..She was combative, and I told either get her s**t together, and get in the truck, or dont bother coming home..So she was chirping all the way to the detox, and when we got to the main entrance, I said lets go inside and get you admitted, and she was standing up wobbling back and forth with a cigarette in her mouth trying to light it, and she says "Im not going in there untill I have a cigarette"..So I said no, we're going in there now!..She refused, and sat down on the grass and lit her cigarette, and I said, "Oh yeah!!..I took all her bags and threw them on the ground, said a few choice words, got back in my truck and left her there

When the 30 days were up, she called me and asked me to come and get her, and I told her no that I had, had enough..Her mother called me 3 weeks later and smoothed things over, so I took her back, and she continued to relapse..Finally I told her I was filing for divorce, and went and slept on the couch..After a few days she apologized, and I told her it was too little too late, cuz she was making me insane now, and if I wanted to stay sane and sober, then she had to go..She was crying and told me she loved me, and that I would never find anyone to love her like she did..And you know what?..I believed her..There was no doubt in my mind that she did, but I couldnt live in the insanity anymore, even though I still loved her..The night she OD-ed on Fentanyl, if I hadnt found her when I did, she would have died

Why am I telling you this story?..Because well..speaking for myself, because Im an alcoholic, I have a tendency to be attracted to things that are not healthy for me, and I tell myself a lie, and I convince myself that I can make this work..And the sad truth is I cannot..The only person I can keep sober is me..The only person I can change is me..I can romance a lie, turn it into a fantasy..even convince myself that it's Gods will for me..I tried to keep her sober..I tried to get her to go to more meetings..I tried to change her, and when it was all said and done, the only person I saved was me..What I did was I proved what the Twelve and Twelve tells us in Step 12 about relationships.......

wishful thinking.

For what it's worth........................