Friday, yesterday, was a snow day.
We had freezing rains and some snow accumulation,
which is really rare for southern louisiana!
I made it to see one client and then had lunch and went to see another but decided to head home because the bridges were being closed due to ice and I was afraid to leave my car in the freezing rain because the heater in my car is not working correctly.
So I drove home the back way and was able to cross a bridge that had not been closed to get home.
So It is an awful day.
So at 3pm I decide that I was going to drink. Originally I was going to wait until 180 days, that is the challenge that I made with Belle,, so what was drinking 2 weeks earlier? Really?
Hubby discouraged me from drinking from the get go but I was bound and determined that I was going to drink....and drink I did.
In the cold, I drove 3 blocks to our grocery store and picked up a 6 pack of mikes hard lemonade, black cherry.
My favorite drink.
I was unstoppable.
Guzzled 3 drinks in 10 minutes flat.
I thought that I was going to stop at 6 but talked my sweet hubby into getting me some more and he did. So I ended up drinking 9....by then it was 1030pm and I was drunk.
Filled to the brim, I could barely drink any water with my night meds which are not supposed to be mixed with alcohol I might add. That was also 2,000 calories I might add!
Had a horrible time sleeping and got up at 5am to use the restroom(I was still drunk).
Took some advil and got on line and posted on my spark team. Hubby came out of the bedroom and asked me what I was doing? WE went back to bed.
I changed my alarm to 9am instead of 8.
And tried to sleep but to no avail.
So I got up at 9 and staggered out of bed to start my day.
I poured out the remaining black cherry elixir.....damn wolfie!
It was still 27 degrees but bright sunny sky's and the snow and the ice was melting already off the roof tops. I called my first client and told them I wanted it to warm up a bit before I came to see them so that gave me an extra hour to settle my stomach.
I had 2 cups of coffee and ate a cheese burger with out the bun. I knew that I needed to eat something and left overs sounded good.
I was hungover all day but worried about my stomach and whether I was going to get sick or not.
Saw all of my clients and provided an excellent service. ( Even though I felt not that great).
Came home around 5pm and felt normal again. We had a healthy meal of ham and lentil/tomato/kale soup that I had picked up at our local health food store.
It was delicious.
Hubby had a gig tonight playing jazz with the big band" the skyliners".
He left at 6;30 and I got on line and started entertaining myself.
I have been to forums, blogs, web sites, chat rooms....and now at midnight my day one is over.
That is right when wolfie wins you have to start counting days all over again.
My therapist says that I have an addictive nature and I agree with her and I let her know, she was very supportive as was Belle. Being on the computer for almost 6 hours straight is a problem.
I need to get a life, get back to the gym, develope some new hobbies, start reading more.
Oh and I am bipolar for those of you who don't know that about me so moderation has not been a strong hold for me yet. I made it thru the holidays and vacation for a total of 165 days alcohol free.
I can be proud of that.
bizi

Interesting.

How was the first 165 days?

WEll I was surprised how hard it was a times. The wolfie whispered in my ear telling me that I could not have fun with out alcohol that I was more fun, more social...These were lies! I proved that I could have fun with out alcohol.
Even so; I can't do forever.
I will be drinking again for mardi gras on march 4th.
Was able to lose some weight although I have gained some of this back over the holidays.
Nothing changed except I was not drinking. I did not rekindle any passions or hobbies. my face did not clear up, I still have a ruddy complexion.
bizi
thanks for responding!

well still drinking....don't know when I will reel it in again....
bizi

Since I posted last I have had many drinking nights:

9 black cherry mikes hard lemonade here on out referred to as "drinks"=friday, started at 3pm-1030pm (snow day)
10 small margaritas= monday 5pm-7pm
off work for next 2 days
6 drinks= tuesday-snow day
3 drinks= wednesday(last night), had left over drinks.
I have 3 drinks left and plan on drinking them tonight.
Is three drinks moderation?
I don't think so.
I had 165 days AF under my belt but was always wanting to drink. I could quiet wolfie most of the time some days he howled though.
I did not have the good feelings of sobriety that everyone talks about.
I did not return to my exercise routine,
hell I did not go at all!
I did not start a new hobby.
I did not clean my house.
I did not have clearer skin.
I did not have less anxiety with people in fact I had more social anxiety.
My eating did not improve.
I started gaining the weight back that I lost.
I never did end up having sober sex, poor hubby.(Still haven't had sex). It is an issue with me.

But having said all of that....
Drinking has not helped in any of these areas.
And I know that alcohol is a poison. That my body tries to rid itself of the toxin at the first sip.
I know that my meds don't mix with the alcohol
and I know that I "should not" drink while taking them. My psych doctor would have a fit if she knew that I had been drinking so much.
She said I could have one drink a day.
Who can have just one?
Some say I should look at it this way: that I had 5 drinking days out of 171, that I should not start over to day 1 again.
What do you think?
bizi

What do I think? Appears to me (in my opinion) that you are looking for a crutch to help you with that other, more serious, problem.

I would recommend find a Celebrate Recovery meeting and go hang out (with an open mind) and if there are none in your area then a couple AA meetings.

Depression maybe?

The only thing I know for SURE is that alcohol is not the answer.

thanks for you comments, don't know what other more serious problem you mean?
I am not a religious person so the group meetings don't work for me.
thanks, I know they help a lot of folks who struggle.
bizi

I am not a Doctor, nor do I play one on TV.

The "open mind" comment was not a mistake.

I went to one aa meeting and they made me talk. I was very uncomfortable with that. they also prayed which I was uncomfortable doing that as well.
I have not gone back.
bizi

from yesterday....
I did not even mange to have a day one afterall.
I can't believe that I just finished 165 days AF less than two weeks ago and here I am back where I started even worst.
I did not see the benefits of not drinking...I really did not.
The temptation to start again was too great.
and now the guilt of feeling like a failure.
Hell I stopped by a bar on the way home and got 2 bloody mary's and she made them strong and I drank them down fast and drove home. I was trashed.
I need to drink a ton of water before bed.
sigh
I see my therapist tomorrow.
bizi thank you for your support.