My disease
 

There is a very important grant I have been given
My obsession to not pick up a drink
As easy as that may sound
IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT THING I HAD TO DO
But I did it
By the Grace of God I have that obsession lifted
Was it the fellowship
Was it God
Was it me
It is all of the above
I was beaten down by a bottle
And today I am beaten down by my illness
My Meds my new character defects
I must do things one thing at a time
I must do what I must and let go and let God
I must be released of my own bondage
I must trust my GOD 100% and not take my will back
I must be responsible of persons who depend on me

Father I ask you to please allow serenity in my life
Allow your love to be felt in my being
Father allow me to break from this bondage
Grant me a mirical as I pray and still have faith in your
power to heal the sick
Allow my children to see I can make it
And be happy just turning it over to God
To rid of evil in my life
And to live life
Amen

What I know for certainty
 

My pain level is through the roof

My night a nightmare

My Meds to be taken at allotted times
Never a high

I know how far my Meds will go to cover my pains

It is the feet knees hip mostly right side
My knees out of control pain

And then there is my addiction

Already a physian induced addict
Make no mistake
Meds that people who turn to heroin or alcohol
because they cannot see a doctor
My one medication OxyContin over
ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS
$1,009.00 to be exact
That is only one of the five
medicines I take

Alcohol is and would be my ultimate choice of
DRUG

Why couldn't there be a pill of all pills in this world

Now you hear my disease talking

A pill like my three vodka martini's

Those who do drink

Understand
The first drink
You start to unwind
All those tight muscles
begin to relax

The second one hits you in a different way
You start to feel numb
From your head to your toes
Jeez Louise my feet and legs something I'm
known to be complimented for
comes from my dad
Anyhow
In my case a good conversation with drink
number two

Then that third martini
You begin to feel that warm fuzzy feeling
I can still remember

In the end
Would take a swig right from the bottle

When I recognized my privilege to drinking alcohol
was ended
I could not believe it

I COULD NOT STOP AT THREE

For the longest time
I never got
"It's the first drink I must
stay away from

Why not in a pill
What a sick way of thinking
As if I would stop at one pill

Can you hear my disease

I am one of those people who respect
My Meds
All of them

And it doesn't make it easier
As I know how it would feel to
pick up a drink
Just to get rid of this throbbing


To continue...

Pain
Last night was difficult
My knees kept me up
8:30 this morning took my
Meds

There was relief
It is still painful
As my pain in other parts of my body
also cry out in pain

My child asked to return back into
our home
The babies mother
Not to enable
But to understand respect me
and the home you asked to return to

My heart is wrenching
When I speak with her
New to understanding
taking someone else's inventory
such as mine is not the way to go
especially if we will be under one roof

Now there are three generations under my roof

I love my family too hard
there is such a thing
I will do most anything they ask
if in my power

I have much going on always
Am careful what I ask for

Both my girls will be at meetings
tonight

I too would loooooove to make my home group
meeting
It's a Sunday 9:00 morning meeting
Maybe to tomorrow
Lets see if they think about me
I might bring my granddaughter with me
To thy self be true
A
M
E
N
Me

Eva,

"Well Done my friend"
"Thank you",

Gerry

Dear Eva,

Feeling it all
With you
Always

Dave.

character defects
 

i am an alcoholic and addict
my name is Eva
always being true to myself
always receptive to a open mind
for the better of my family
and any future
if "i" cannot help myself
how can i help others
a obsession may be lifted
but what follows the work
the hard stuff
the time to be real in life
one must look at one self
and recognize that it is so much more than the lift of
drinking or drugging
i speak of personal experience
and we cannot runaway from ourselves
this is where i believe the real life long
awareness of ourselves is most important
and i need to check myself always
i hope and pray
as it is one day a a time
love
me

despite the the struggle
 

and another door opens
and it does not have to do with me

i just got a phone call from my son
to tell me he has been going to meetings
and that he knows its power
here is the kind of call
that will make my heart smile
every time i think about it
hearing the upbeat in his voice
hope
it's a wonderful thing
not expectation
that's when we run into
problems

i'm so joy filled
unexpected gifts

how great is God
knew what i needed
thank you Father
Amen

Wow I forgot I started this
 

I guess I will continue with my personal
Experience strength and hope
Around thanksgiving time
I met a new person who live two blocks away
through one of my longest relationships of thirty years
Moving into this new town
came with some truths
I had to separate myself from her
coming to find out that she has been this complete different person
What I have come to learn about her from her own mouth
was so disturbing I had to think long and hard about what I should do
I have recently helped her out in a massive way
starting with her floors to a new bed and mattress to rugs to baskets and stuff to
bring her very disheveled home together
How did I help
she asked and we made arrangements how she would make payment
I having pristine credit with sales coupons and extra savings (specials) did this for her
It started when she told me she "never slept"
on a new mattress ever in her life
That it was always hand me downs
i felt badly
after agreement this is what i agreed to
she would pay for the item off completely on the next bill due
she too lives in this building
And I have mentioned to her before
A huge blowout over my granddaughter
And three years later at my door asking for forgiveness
Giving our relationship another try
and to have learned of some of the things she was asked to do
such as being asked by the management workers to go to certain people's apartments
and listen at their door
When she told me this
I was floored
Could not believe what I was hearing
At the end of the day
She had to live with herself
I did not want any part of her since then and some additional things I learned
A homophobe as I have two gay children and love the regardless
She passed judgement about my children
She a mother of her only son the same age as my daughter Christine
I was slowly stepping back and out
Back to this new person I met
Having coffee with her in her now put together new home
as her son bought her a very much needed couch
add to the new look helping her paint some pieces of furniture
in sitting position with my pain now in retrospect do i not regret helping her with a fresh start
It was when meeting this woman in her apartment
i was floored what she had to say about this new person when she left
I exchanged numbers with said about her
It is so disgusting
I won't repeat it
I just told her
Do not say another word about her
I can judge myself when in her company
Thank you very much

It turns out I needed to separate myself from her as she is an active addict

I have been supportive

The moment she was called on her crap by me
She then began taking my inventory
As if she knew me
She had no clue what I am capable of
cutting her out of my life that abruptly
I have to step away from any stressors in my life
Removing both of them hasn't been the end

The last message was
Eva I just want you to know
how instrumental you have become in my life
in such a short time

I listened and thought I cannot do this
I have enough going on already

Having learned this long time friend
is now faking psychosis episodes
such as smelling fire
how she seen people falling from the towers
a blatant lie just to
receive SSI now taking drugs was enough for me
Get the picture
Here I am clearly going through physical visual at that
And here is the kind of behavior one will go and do so "NOT" to work
this has been her history

I crave my missed job
Out in the world
And now she collects
gets health insurance(something I believe everyone should have regardless)
and working watching an elderly lady in the building and does not report it
A liar
A thief
A sick individual
And as for the new friend
I too stepped back
I am not going to allow myself the opportunity and eliminate any evil doings in my life
I do not want no part in it
It felt good to help
But I was "used"
And i didn't see it
I keep to myself
And management knows not to
F with me
This I keep to myself
This I needed to do for my
Sobriety
One day at a time
One situation at the time
I give others the benefit of the doubt
And concentrate on me
Love
Me

Here we go
 

It isn't enough I have to take care of my grandchild
But for mother and father to ignore what is necessary for her
to go to the bathroom and have wipes to use and antibacterial to use afterwards
What is wrong with them
Last week the father takes fifteen dollars from the measly amount he gives in a week
May it be fifty a week that would be magic
What does he do
Take from the daughter because he needed money for a cab
to return back home
I told my daughter when he comes to pick her up today to use the fifteen he took and get a box of wipes and two bottles of antibacterial
This I repeated over and over again
I spoke to her at seven this morning remind her
He comes to the door empty handed
My youngest so lazy it sickens me
Allowing her girlfriend from S. Carolina
For a couple of days over my watch
She would have left the home for this girl
I am just beside myself with the turd thrown my way
It is beyond beyond
Heaven forbid I be selfish and not put up with it
I am threatened with abandonment
This I have gone through over and over and over when I was depleted of everything
And now this
How much more Father
How much more
Take it all
Please allow me some happiness
No one thinks that for me
I am expected to do dodo
I can't anymore
I just hurts so much
With everything going on
How does one let go when things are repeated over and over and over again
Push to the breaking point
That is what's going on
I have to be it all
Now with my granddaughter with me all her life
Except for the first three months she was fostered
Yes I faught for her
No of this is her fault
And I am trying to keep my head together
All without a drink
Let me
Let go and let God
Amen
Me

turning my will over
 

to me my higher power be
God
who sent Jesus
who nobody
but nobody can deny
he was crucified
and on the third day
today
rose from the dead
and ascended into heaven
seat at the right hand of
Our Father
thank you Jesus
in You i trust
who willingly went to the Cross
our sins debt in full
thank you Father
i will not allow evil to prevail
You have a job for me
and i shall continue to be the best role model
possible
grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change (others)
the courage to change the things i can (me)
and the wisdom
to understand the two
on this Holy day
may we never forget
there was a man
who walked this earth
and his name was
Jesus
much love to the world
me

My mother
 

Strange it was to hear her admit she is
a physician enduced addict
Never she said in a million years would she think
she would begin to see the abuse and the outcome
She is not capable to be without the pain meds
But the Xanax she is using also given to her by her cardiologist
has allowed her to get out of control
Her ex-husband who has for to five glasses of red wine a day
is his way to calm with the stuff that makes his heart go into arrhythmia
But my mother is on so many different meds for many valid findings
Atrial fibrillation
Rheumatoid arthritis
Lupus
Vascular
Mechanical knees replacement
And on and on
Calls me to say how she misses her family she pushed aside
Told her my door was always opened
I was something she chose to do
But is now crying to my youngest sister
And she never turned her back on her
And I needed to remind her of that
My youngest sister has always been there
My mother had her in her grip for many years
She is feeling lonely
Told her to come spend a weekend with you
daughter granddaughter and great grandchild
This is what I had to offer her
We shall see
No expectations
In Jesus I trust