229 since a drink. Woo hoo, good days and not so good, but overall, he is getting stronger. His psych said not to worry about the tablets, not enough taken to form a habit but enough to raise a flag and good we onto it. Very tough visit with my surgeon this morning, very aggressive, the usual bluster when things beyond his control. Much better since we got positive news re me. So all is good

Pamela, that is awesome !

DB has applied for leave over Xmas / NY, hopes to go home n see his Da who has Parkinson's disease and is deteriorating, he turned 75 on the 15th. I won't be able to go, too far to fly, I'll stay home & mind the pets. DB is concerned re sobriety, I suggested talk to his psych but isn't it better to see your da now & hopefully maintain sobriety rather than go after he's passed and probably not. Maybe going now will give him the strength to deal with what's inevitable. He can't live his life on hold forever. Time will tell, another day under his belt, 372 since a bender 234 since a drink ( I think) but he will never tell me for sure. So 372 since a bender gives me hope. Tough days in the house right now, I've annoyed him to high heaven not intentionally. Oh well today my thought is "so what" maybe I'm growing too.

Pam,
As you write; DB can't put his life on hold indefinitely. It would be good for him to visit with his father while he is still able; that won't stay "on hold" either. I can understand DB not telling whether or not he has had a drink. Very personal to him. It's probably his way of not risking disappointing you if you don't know for sure.

I know what you mean having annoyed DB; unintentionally. Not sure you have the same disease I have ...it's called "foot in mouth". I am too often saying or doing something that has upset my husband; I get the quite/silent treatment. I try to guess what it is that I did or said......

And "yes"; we are all still growing; for sure....


Gerry

It's been a horrid weekend, particularly today. 5th anniversary of my beloved father passing, I wanted to go to the graveyard yesterday but DB was unapproachable. We went this morning after he worked hard on causing an argument, I refused to engage in it. On the way back he told me I'm irresponsible, if I'm injured he has to do everything. Hahaha no chance; nothing would get done, I'm injured already and he doesn't do anything! He is just being a mean and cranky plonker.

I wonder how he would react if I said his his playing soccer is irresponsible, he keeps injuring his legs & has on 3 occasions been unable to attend work due to it; while I can carry on working without leg use, he cannot. Or I could remind him I'm not supposed to be working at all, even though part time it is still against my PM recommendation.

All is not well in the house, I feel like he is working hard on an angle to justify why he needs to break sobriety so just now I've removed myself, shut the door and taken pain relief. Tomorrow will be another day. Why is it in a drunken stupor they are mean and in sobriety meaner still. Today according to him I'm a narcissist. I love you to darling I thought!

For the 1st time, on the way back from the cemetery I seriously contemplated the thought of leaving. I'm not going to live like this forever, I'm not a doormat, never have been, never will be. DB has forgotten just how strong I can be. Best he not awaken the me who has taken recovery resentment, accepted it and swallowed it whole, it causes nothing but pain and unhappiness, but if he continues in this vein it will come out.

DB sister lasted less than 6 months sober, she told me her reason for taking it up again was the ex son in law failed to provide a photo of the granddaughter at her Deb ball. I guess any reason can be justified, if you want it, accept you want it but please don't try and delude me with some bullcrap explanation. I'd far rather the truth, you were overwhelmed, it happens, it's a lapse, you can regain the ground you lost if you want. She's not regained, is back on it just as bad if not worse. Sad, very sad. Think DB wishes it was him. Has spoken non stop about alcohol, parties, out with the boys and how lazy & selfish I am.

I'm struggling hard this week, not sure when things will improve, say a prayer for us both please xx

Pam,
Obviously he needs to get the knawing feelings of depriving himself of his one thing he knows will comfort this craziness going on inside. Unfortunately you are right there and he is taking out his fears through you.

While not the quite the same; I felt I lost my "buddy" when I would try to give up my 2 1/2 pk. a day nicotine habit. I had tried several times; my longest for some reason would always be 17 days. One time when i was in my trying to quit 17 day routine; my three children (the oldest at the time probably 12) I overheard them crying to their father that" no matter what they did I was always picking at everything, etc., etc..." .Well to me; I was justified in my finding fault; they were true; weren't they??? Except many of these things, I would normally have just overlook because they really weren't doing any really that wrong. So believe me; I know the feeling. I had smoked a total of at least 25 years.

But thru the grace of God and lotsa prayer; several years ago, I finally quit. I used the patch as long as needed; carried it with me for a few years., etc. I use to kid myself I could take one or two a day; but had always gone back and smoked even more so I knew I could not even have a single cigarette. It's been several years since I had my last cigarette. I know if I take one; it will be all over.

Pam; you are a very strong person; I hope you can hold out thru this muddle DB is going through. You are going thru a rough patch with your chronic illness'/pain so it's really got to be difficult for you too.

My prayers are with both of you.


Gerry

Excuse my rant, I regret my words. Of course he is still vulnerable and I'm not going to say or do anything to hurt either of us. He remains the love of my heart. Yesterday he said he felt like checking himself back in. I hate that he hurts so much. Seeing his psych this Friday night, cutting back on his Anti depressants not the best of his ideas but he won't be told. He looks exhausted but is sleeping for hours on end when not working. Depression at an all time high.

Pam,
Please no regrets. You are human; thank God for that. I think this was the right place for you to get some things out of your system. Of course you love him. You are the reason he is trying so hard. Also, part of the reason he is so angry. He does not want to disappoint you or himself.

No matter how this turns out, he has come further than he ever dreamed. If needed; he will in the future have to go thru another recovery. Hoping it will be the one that will last.

My daughter went thru rehab for cocaine addiction. The first incidence of learning all the steps and, as she put it; the tools needed recovery was staying at a 30 day/night facility.
She was clean for about a year; then relapsed. She had a few short attempts. Eventually enrolled in another rehab program.
Sherry did go thru rehab again at another 30 day program daily; but now they no longer had patients stay overnight. She was frightened to leave the facility at night being afraid she might relapse. There were times during some of the evening sessions where parents, significant others, etc. would be allowed to sit in with the counselors and the doctor in charged.

Thru my attending many of the group sessions ; especially the night when the counselor mentioned that nicotine was as addictive as cocaine; I was somewhat surprised.(I had previously mentioned having my last cigarette several year ago; this is how that came about.) As the rehab program continued, with my attending when invited; at times by her side; both of have been "cleaned for several years. Me;the nicotine addiction; her the cocaine addiction.

A few months ago she received her certification as a drug/alcohol counselor. I can't remember, at the moment, the complete title of the certification. She also works with the families of those addicted since they play such an important part in recovery. She is well aware often there is more than one recovery needed.

Good DB will be seeing his psych Friday. Are you ever invited to go with him?


Gerry

Pamela, I want to echo all that Gerry wrote.

I hope that DB's session with his psych goes well.

Hi Gerry, you and your daughter came out the other side and gained each a grounding perspective. Well done to your daughter & thank you for sharing.

They don't encourage partner / family attendance here in Aus like they do in the US. Not sure why, I think it would help, they tried it a few times in the group DB is associated with in its early days of inception, back in 2011. It ironically was the 1st time DB went to rehab and due to me being rushed to emergency NYE he discharged himself only 4 weeks into treatment, he never went back until 2015, 4 yrs later. I wish they did. I have asked if I can see him with his psych even just once, but she refuses, says will not see us both, have to find a different therapist for couples....

Anyway, he had a crapola day today, came home, had to go back out after an hour to buy some stuff for work, came back 30 min later and says to me " wow I have grown stronger, I didn't even think of booze until just then". In the past he wouldn't have even made it home. Sobriety still hanging in. Lapse diverted, again! I'm so proud of him.