Nobody can control having urges or not, but we can control whether we act upon them. He has gone through an emotional roller coaster (the trip), and his initial reaction is to crave relief. Over time, he will learn (and I'm talking about "deep learning", not just knowing rationally) that he can manage turmoil without needing or craving alcohol.

Documenting moods is a good idea, as it gives some form of "control" and insight.

You could always bring it up as a possibility, as a possible tool. Or ask his psych to mention it? Ultimately is will be his decision if he finds it helpful or not.

Pam,
How is DB doing? Hopefully he is up and about.

Gerry

Anxious and depressed but we managed to go to the gym for 30 minutes & buy a clam shell for the new dog to paddle in. 42c here today - hotter than hot!!

Yikes! It was 22c here yesterday and I thought that was near perfect...

New DDdog in his clam; he is such a cutie.

Attached Thumbnails

 

a beautiful addition
love in the house
unconditional
me

400 days sober, 538 since a bender. Interestingly it is the days sober DB is interested in now. I doubt I will rarely refer to the bender any longer, whereas before that's what mattered to him. There have been many ups and downs on this journey and all are written from my observation/ perspective. DB is aware I write and doesn't seem to mind, has even been known to ask have others encountered what he encounters. So in all, I'm glad I started this journal of sorts.

It is hard for the partner of an alcoholic, there is little help out there and what there is most often always falls back on "just leave". I still have no doubt I have made the right decision, in a way, I have left, I've left the old me behind. Perhaps if I wasn't ill myself and wanted to continue to live a life of partying I would have found it harder, but my partying days had begun to wind back before the alcohol truly gripped DB. I think probably around 2010. Were I to give tips to anyone I would say if you can't be prepared to change all that you did together previously, it will be difficult. Be prepared to check your own bitterness and resentment at the door, they are triggers your loved one looks for. Recovery resentment is real, all the focus is on the alcoholic, as the partner your needs fade into the background and no one really remembers to check how you are doing. You need to be strong, resilient and committed. I gave up alcohol at the same time as DB.

Don't get me wrong, I drank when out with DB but not excessively, except the bender I refer to in 2015 - I for sure was not sober over the 4 days and I can still remember all that happened whereas DB cannot recall much. It's a shame because we had a good weekend - we flew to Melbourne on the Friday for the AFL footy and then to Adelaide Sunday morning to watch Liverpool Monday night & home Tuesday morning. The Liverpool game being the dream reason why we went, and I only tagged on the AFL in the last week to watch our AFL team (we won). The Liverpool game was a snore fest, totally boring and DB left half way thru for the bar, I will always be grateful it was a late evening game and by the time the game finished all the bars on the way to the hotel were closed as he was falling down drunk. I had to find him in the crowd of 40,000 I got to him & DB saying to the police (yes he has a way of finding them every time) my wife will find me, she's like a homing pigeon. I dont miss any of those days really. Of course that's also the week DB crashed, by the Thursday I had him at the GP and Friday he was in hospital. (I think the fright he got is lessening though)

I'm sad this journey seems to always be about the negatives, there are positives, many of them, last but not least he is alive. I will endeavour to find some positives each time I write from now on. (No promises) the new DDDog is settling in, he is a gentle soul and has bonded with DB already. He must have been well loved in his former home. DB saw his psych this week and has made an appt for next month. Is aware he needs to start up his mindfulness again, the funk that was descending again seems to have been halted mid way.

I don't know if you ever read George McGovern's book about his alcoholic daughter. How he struggled, cut her loose in the end, and was forced to live with the regrets about her demise, when she froze to death, all alone. This is the book: Terry: My Daughter's Life-and-Death Struggle with Alcoholism: George McGovern: 978452278233: Amazon.com: Books

Despite being from the "other side" in this, I think I can grasp how hard it must be for the people who feel love for the alcoholic. There is no control, it's a deal no one ever signed up for, there isn't much support as you say, and the "cut loose" is too often bandied about as a solution. George (who passed away recently) would have disagreed. Yet you feel the other has abandoned you, has abandoned their desire for life (and thus life with you), almost like a slow motion suicide. There's something unbearably selfish about it.

At the same time, the recovering alcoholic has to be continue to be selfish in many respects too, in order to "make it". Thinking too much about what you have done can actually put your recovery at risk if you are not ready for it. He or she needs to put sobriety first - so often has no time to see to the needs of the loved ones that were unwilling passengers on the addiction bus.

Irony is a strange thing. Lately I worry about my wife. She is highly stressed, works 14 hours a day, we see each other about 1 hour a day, in which she needs to let off steam. Works every weekend. She drinks a lot more than she used to, every day. Now, I didn't notice for the longest time, as I had trained myself to ignore alcohol in every shape or form. Yet I do see the empty bottles. I also noticed she gets really angry and sometimes mean when she had a few.

Of course, I'm in the shittiest position possible to actually say much about it. I do try, in the nicest non-threatening ways possible, but it doesn't do much good. I never wanted her to stop drinking on my behalf, I saw it as my problem to fix. Yet right now I wish she would sign up for something like sober February...

We also seem to have lost something; after I got sober, our relation changed, and not in a good way. It's hard to put my finger on it, but we've never been this far apart in the 22 years before I went to rehab.

Anyway, just to say that I understand how complicated this all is, that there are no easy answers, and sure, there are good things, but it's important to be able to talk about all the rest too. And it's OK to be angry...

I don't think you have to "sugar-coat" what you write here. It is a good mirror, and we all understand how much you care for DB, and would never mistake you talking about the hardships as somehow being unkind.

Pamela, I agree with everything that Wide-O wrote.

Please keep saying whatever you want to here. Nobody will judge you.

We will all, reflecting our different experiences, do our best to offer you support and encouragement.

Thank you Wide-O I have downloaded the book and begun to read it already. I'm saddened I didn't know it existed before today. As I said, there is so little out there.

By default an alcoholic is selfish, from my perspective DB was selfish long before sobriety, selfish in his deception, selfish in his poor little old me (ploms) attitude, selfish in every way that could lead him to twisting any situation into reasoning a drink was required. I became immune to the many criticisms, the depth of nastiness, perhaps because I expected them, perhaps because I knew he wouldn't recall.

I only had 2 times of real fear /terror for my safety, this was in the 1st year of our marriage & I gave as good as he could give. I was strong fit & as healthy as my back would allow. As he was bent over slamming a 3kg weight & giving me a broken foot I responded in kind & smacked him over the head with a ketchup bottle, blood went everywhere & I thought omg I've killed him. We went to St Mary's A&E sat n waited - he got his stitches & sobered up, we went home & I didn't get my foot seen to as I was supposed to be going in for my 2nd spine fusion the following week, in my mind at the time I was thinking oh well they can look at it then. Surgery was xld & I walked round with a broken foot for 3 weeks... lessons learned by us both. DB in particular, my wife has a fiery temper, she won't hesitate to defend herself. Of course he said he was slamming the weight to the floor to emphasise a point & my foot happened to get in the way. I empathised & agreed, I was slamming the ketchup bottle to make a point and his head just happened to be there, the difference being he was drunk & dared me to do it again, I obliged. The 2nd time he was threatening me & then swung to say he would jump out of the 3rd floor window or over the spiral staircase, I filled a bucket of cold water & threw it over him as he stood in the doorway of the bedroom. It had the desired result, huge shock, I still can see his face, he snapped to & the next day I very firmly explained "I'm not living like this" & moved out. We got back together & nothing as serious as that occurred again, certainly no real carried through violence (remember his family culture is all about domestic violence) but the suicide ideation revisited in 2011 in the middle of the day, while sober. It was tough going & resulted in his first rehab visit.

Much water under the bridge & I know he regrets those violent actions because for them he has a glimmer of a memory. He is a good person with demons, his go to all his young life was violence. I don't think he banked on marrying an Aussie who didn't cower. Anyway, it's history, we all have moments in our married lives we regret I'm sure. If I could change them I would, but for better or worse they shaped our relationship and we became a solid unit together feeling as though we had faced the worst and survived. Little did we know the battle to come, but here we are 401 days sober, DB here beside me in bed talking - talking & reading! We never had that before. I will cherish these moments, I pray we are strong enough to continue these moments and lift each other when we are down. Our patience with each other has grown considerably. For the better I 100% believe.

Wide-0 I want to say something about your wife, but this passage has turned into a lengthy honest blurb. With your permission I will tomorrow or the next. My words will be from my perspective of drinking while the alcoholic is abstaining and how difficult it is not to feel guilty & how unintended meanness flows from the lips even as you are wishing you could pull them back. It's one of the reasons this time round in sobriety I opted to do so as well.