Pam,
I would think AA Meetings are available in your town. As I have mentioned in the past, my daughter's choice of drug was the cocaine; but in rehab they insisted she is also an alcoholic because often you will turn from one to the other.

She has been attending AA meetings since her recovery (several years ago) and continues to do so, often a few times a week. This is a lifelong commitment. She has even chaired some of the meetings. When she speaks she says my name is. S........ and I am a drug addict and an alcoholic.

Going to AA meetings with those dealing with their recovery could be of help to DB. At least it would be worth a try; maybe start out a few days a week.....There are "open" meetings where you would be able to attend. I, early on attended some of the "open" meetings with my daughter.

As always, prayers are ongoing daily.


Gerry

Hi Gerry, if only he would do AA but he won't. For the reasons you cited, AA now is combined with drugs as well as alcohol and with his DDO job he is widely known & instantly recognisable. Not sure if you recall when he went to rehab he went ultra shabby disheveled in hope so as to not be recognised. Did manage to keep at it relatively successfully, but he on the other hand recognised many. AA is supposed to be confidential, and it is to a great degree. Our city while large is remarkably small in terms of who knows who. The issue isn't people knowing who he is, it's what he does for a living. The dogs have been targeted previously with life threatening injuries sustained. So he chooses not to do AA. He's tried it a few times, each time he's been recognised, that combined with the religious aspect has turned him away. The rehab he went to previously has Tuesday evening sessions for men only, I'm trying to encourage him to attend but I have to accept with a 4am start to each morning a 10pm finish is extremely difficult. I'm hopeful to find somewhere that offers late afternoon sessions he can attend on his RDO's.

Pam,

I can understand the dilemma his job does pose; I had forgotten abut that when posting; Hopefully there is a place he can get use to. My daughter was fortunate, she hooked up early with a place for a long time she even began chairing some of the meetings. She also deals with ManicDepressive/Bi=polar issues Each day can be a struggle for her; either up up or wayyyy down. It's so hard for to be really happy for very long; but did become certified to work with those dealing with addiction.

She was asked my a mother to speak at her 22 year old son's wake on Tuesday. My daughter is very strict with parents enabling their adult children; so it is difficult for some to abide with her recommendations and she understands;

I hope your headaches have tone downed a bit; especially if they were steroid driven. You had so many in a short period.

I looked up your town a month or so ago; there are AA's in your area. The only reason my daughter goes to AA is the drug meetings can not compare with AA. She has been clean many years; she does not know how she would have manage without a sponsor and AA. As I mentioned; it is a lifetime addiction behavior so a lifetime keeping the old behavior/reminder under control is also needed.


Gerry

Sorry to hear that. From what I remember in rehab, treating the underlying psychological problems (if there are any present) is crucial to treating addiction. He doesn't relapse, he's fighting the urges, so the problem is not there, but his need for a mental space where he can rest from trauma is still there, and alcohol is still regarded as an option - as short and as damaging as it is.

I'm sure you already know this, but in rehab the psychiatrist made a sort of "triage" after a few weeks to put people with severe traumas or mental issues on a separate treatment course, with a path towards treating the "double diagnosis" issues after the patient got sober for a longer time. If that is not done, staying sober will be a continuing struggle, as alcohol abuse (in this case) is not the cause but the result of the underlying issue. There was a special unit where they would go to after leaving the addiction unit, to help them with those problems (and sometimes follow up with further assisted living etc. for those who needed that). It was quite well thought out/structured.

Sometimes depression is a result from alcohol abuse, sometimes it's the cause. Making that distinction - which can only be done after a sober period - is crucial for deciding on treatment.

It seems clear the psychologist is not doing his/her job. Yet that's where the progress is, or should be.

As for anonymity... rehab for me was pretty far away, and I didn't go out much anyway (working from home, never going to bars etc). Yet it was amazing how many people knew me or knew someone who knew me. As it turned out, one of the nurses lives 4 houses from me. The resident psychologist knew me as her mother lives in the next street. One other patient had been to my house for a plumbing job as an assistant. There were others that I forgot. I can totally understand, with that line of work, that the risk would just be too great.

Finding a good psychologist is hard work. They seem to be unicorns. But they are out there, and I'm sure that one of them would love to help out DB, who clearly shows by staying sober, despite the struggles, that he is absolutely worth of further help. A good friend of mine from Scotland had a traumatic upbringing, and was in his own words pretty f-d up. He spent years going to psychs, with no progress (on the contrary). We all started to think he was never going to get better (him included), until he found a psychologist who understood him, challenged him, and was smart enough (my buddy is extremely smart, and was able to put up walls that were impenetrable for most). Today he is doing so much better, understands his own emotions, has a wife and 4 kids, success in his job, and cries when he talks about how happy he is he found help that could actually help him.

They are out there, and there is a solution out there. I don't know how to find them other then by trial and error (any local internet groups about mental health?). Maybe your GP could do a search too?

Smells! I'm in the midst of experiencing auras, my auras usually consist of smells; strong smells, faecies, urine, perfume, garlic. The smell is usually amplified to the point I feel like I'm sitting in it.

Today I think I can smell alcohol on DB. It's not the first time I've smelt this smell, I know I've smelt it before, it seems familiar. On Sunday night DB burped, the smell was so strong I asked what had he been eating, (it smelled like alcohol) Thai chicken soup, which I know is what he took for lunch & I accepted it thinking nothing of it (but he was late home). Last night he was late home again, he knew I was unwell and had stayed home from work. I had his dinner ready, he got changed, took his dinner to the front room so I went to bed. Not an unusual action, he's done it many times, but of late he has stayed out here with me and eaten. But this morning I swear I can smell the same Thai chicken alcohol smell again as I got out of bed to feed the dogs. He had training yesterday, it was a day worked for a day in lieu and on those days he usually is home much earlier.

It's probably me; it's my aunts funeral today, I have a minor blockage, work is hectic, we've got to move the furniture from the rooms for the new carpet to go down, DB seems unable to break through his inertia and so on, my spins are happening at least 5 in every hour and it's very disconcerting. So amongst my ramble here I guess I'm saying I'm under a lot of stress and my spins and auras are all in my head & smelling alcohol is not really what I'm smelling. But what if it is? His behaviour these last 3 days has changed ever so slightly. Is it my fear of him turning to drink that's driving me to smell it, I guess it could be.

I think I'm just going to say to him my sense of smell is really warped, I keep thinking I can smell alcohol on you and leave it at that. If he really is drinking it may be enough to make him think twice. He knows my sense of smell is usually accurate. I hate that in the back of my head I harbour a fear he will return to drink. I hope and pray I'm wrong.

Oh Pam, I would imagine you're afraid to mention the smell of alcohol in case he has not had any and now you would be doubting him.

I never had the auras before my migraines; but my son did and so do many people that are prone to migraines. Just wonder if these are some of the effects lingering from those nasty headaches which may have been migraine related; possibly brought on by the steroids.

Had hoped adding the new carpeting/updating your house would be a project working together would bring him out of his depression.

What a dilemma !!!!!!!!


Gerry

I'm going to wait a few days, see if I smell it again when my head isn't playing tricks on me. I would hate for DB to think I'm not, but I may as well if she thinks I am. If I don't smell it within the week I won't say a word. It could so easily be in my stupid mind.

I agree with your thinking Pam. He might feel; "well if she thinks I am drinking; I might as well drink".

If in the end, the "smell" does come back; without asking him or make if feel like you think he is; you might just want to mention to him "if you should ever have a drink or two; hopefully you will tell me and we can talk this over."

This has to be so hard for you to deal with in addition to all your other issues. Hopefully, getting the new carpeting will be a "pick me up".......for both of you.


Gerry

Good news, I'm reasonably sure I know his behaviours well enough to know if he has or hasn't. I believe he hasn't. I have experienced the "smell" only again once in this last week. It was a passing whift and then nothing. It included me snuggling up & getting real close, nope no smell of alcohol. I believe if he were to have had even 1 drink on 1 night, he would be at it again the next and the next. He has no self control once he starts. Much like sugary foods, ice cream, chocolate, once he starts he can't stop. And in the last 2 weeks he has had either an entire chocolate bar or ice cream every day. He is pre-diabetic, we know that from the last round of blood tests, I've been told diabetics can give off a smell similar to alcohol, I did a bit of research on it and it's 100% true. So in all I genuinely believe it's his over endulgance with sweets and my auras. I'm glad I didn't say anything. He has enough on his plate without feeling like I'm examining his every move. And to be truthful I'm not wanting to go back to that way of living. I'm not his mother or guardian, he has to make his own choices. On another positive note, he's got a referral to his psych & his new partner. DB wants to change his antidepressant as he thinks this one is not working. I wonder if his main issue is he feels he has no purpose, he hates his work environment and cant motivate himself to do anything when home. He is off on a mankind weekend again next week. This time as an assistant not participant. I hope it can help him get in with making new friends. All his old boozy friends have moved on with their lives, not willing to have a sober DB as their mate. Comments such as your no fun anymore or your boring nowadays have hit their mark and hurt. Yes he was entertaining, but I find him even more so sober, he is intelligent, witty and captivating while willing to hold good conversations. Sadly they prefer having someone to laugh at, not laugh with. So it's 508 days.

Thanks for the update.
He really seems to be giving it a "go". Glad to learn he will be attending a "mankind" weekend. New friends in this area would be really good for him. He does not need the pressure put on him by his past friendships.


Gerry.