Much later than expected getting home from his MKP weekend. Very short tempered and when he barked something at me that familiar smell whafted across. I couldn't help myself, I said you've been drinking. His response you don't know what you're talking about. Me, I can smell it on you and the one thing I've asked for is honesty. Today, he's hungover despite trying hard to disguise it but the smell is still there and his behaviour is as it used to be. Belligerent, abrupt, rude and unpleasant. He has not admitted he's had a drink.

Fortunately I dug deep all weekend with extra painkillers and have moved everything myself. He did manage to ask why I was in so much pain. I didn't answer, it's fairly obvious I've moved furniture including book cases, TVs, chest of drawers, filing cabinets. He moved the remaining chest of drawers today, it's on wheels.... and that took everything out of him. He's gone back to bed again just now, that will be the third time today. He is supposed to go out tonight for the MKP award for the initiates, now that he's a rookie he's supposed to be helping as he did over the weekend. I'm sure he will help, he's always been good at helping others. There is nothing more I can say, unless he admits he lapsed. To go on about it will only drive him to more. I'm sad for him but it's not the end of the world. I knew it was coming.

I know it's just words, but I'm truly sorry to read that PJ. It's also proof we should trust our spider senses when we think something is off. And yes, unless there is acknowledgement of relapse there's very little to say or do. Hope he gets through this - I know you will.

Second wide-o
You will continue to kick butt
And will survive
Just wish the pain wasn't a part of your life
Yet even that
You push through
A powerful model you are
And there are those moments
Never to have you
Amen

We had a conversation this morning. He says he's hurt I don't trust him and that the first thing I said was he'd been drinking. I explained I haven't said anything for 3 weeks when I first thought he had imbibed. I went on to say it's the nature of living with an alcoholic, I can't help if I smell something that smells like alcohol. It has got nothing to do with trust, it's me saying this is what I believe I can smell.

He is adamant he has not had a drink. I explained his behaviour combined with the smell lead me to draw the conclusion but I accept if he says he hasn't had a drink then he hasn't. I went on to say I don't want him drinking just because he thinks well she thinks I'm drinking so I may as well. I also said, you told me previously you would not admit to me you have had a drink but you would tell your psych. I accept yesterday you say you are emotionally drained and tired from the traumatic weekend. But, I can tell you now, if you are lying to me it will make it all the harder for you to get on with the coming weeks as you endure house painting, new carpet going down and the need for the furniture to be rotated and moved from here to there as both jobs get done. Plus you have the stress of beginning drug training for the new dog on June 5 & dealing with whether or not he is going to make it as you have become very attached.

I'm emotionally drained and I'm still unwell. My PN, pernicious anemia, back pain, leg pain, auras and headaches have all flared. I've had 4 days off of work sick and have to catch up on all I didn't do. I feel like I'm a hamster on its little wheel living Groundhog Day. I've lived with this before, I've lived with him trying to guilt me into believing otherwise. I've lived with me being right and I've lived with me being wrong. Whether I'm right or wrong I have to get on with it and continue to be supportive, if I'm right & he has lapsed he needs my support as he's never needed it before, if I'm wrong he needs my support as his depression is severe. Me being right or wrong doesn't make much difference in the way I move forward for now, I've said my piece and he's said his. Everything is out on the table now.

Pam,
I can't imagine what you must be going through. Not sure if he's been drinking even tho he smells of the alcohol and behaved as tho he had; and if by some remote chance he is telling you the truth; then how do you react.

In the past, his telling you he wouldn't admit if he had; adds to the suspicion. If he did drink, as you mentioned, as long as he is in denial, this will make starting recovery again very difficult.

All this along with your non-stop pain, moving things getting ready for new carpeting, etc. and his attitude has to be so difficult on you. I am so sorry you are dealing with all this without any support.

Pray you will stay strong.....


Gerry

I hope this doesn't add to the confusion, but it is possible to smell of alcohol without drinking. See for example False smell of alcohol breath - Natural Health Q & A Forum

I searched because I did hear of it before. Not saying it's this, or trying to find "excuses", just something to be aware of. It's a very long shot, but just imagine it's due to something similar and he hasn't been drinking...

From what I understand it would typically be most noticeable in the morning.

I've read it to him, he had 3 hrs sleep over the weekend, drank little water and was using high energy levels. He's going to consider asking for testing next time at GP as remains adamant. Is very friendly since we had an argument last night over whose helped most with this house preparation. He made the mistake of saying its women's work. It was not well received. He seems ok & not edgy, so we will just have to crack on. Thanks for the look up & heads up. It might be right, he did still smell of it in waves Monday morning.

The carpet is going down today, I've moved as much as I possibly can, the remaining study desk can be moved around as they go. I set the bed up in the garage and as far as I'm concerned we can sleep in there until the painting is finished. Needless to say it was me that got the garage set up and the bed into it. I had a quick peek inside his side of the robes this morning, nothing moved out at all, so I've had to lift and carry all of his clothes out so the carpet can go down on his side of the robe as well. He's had 10 days off and the most he has done is brush the dogs. So we slept in the garage last night, my car outside and his inside, we need his safe as it's the required dog transport vehicle. It actually wasn't to bad.

The carpet layers arrived and I burst into tears, I had been trying to secure the modem and Foxtel (sky) unit to the window ledge but couldn't get it to stay. The guys were great, I explained the modem can't be disconnected as I need it for emergency dial out if I have a seizure etc. he said it's ok we can work around it. I've got one dog attached to me by lead, he's determined to stick to me like glue, it's the dog that usually knows when I'm unwell so rather than him run off and someone trip over him he's on the lead and fast asleep.

My back /rib side is hurting like an axe is wedged in it. I hope I've not caused another compression fracture.

On the upside, I've not smelled anything on DB, he's had the chance to if he wanted to so I guess we will just take it one day at a time. His stomach is playing him up terribly, anxiety is at an all time high, yesterday was day one of the new dog drug training. DB is not sure he will make it, he just doesn't have the drive or fanatic energy the other dogs exhibit. He's got the smarts, he can definitely do it, it's just he has to want to do it - all day long!

Pam,
Is DB's inability to do much other than go to work or lay around because of the stress of trying to stay sober; or do you think something physical going on? This does not sound good. You doing all this work and he appears to be okay with it, leaving just about all of it for you to do. How are you dealing with this; not only physically; but mentally, as well as feelings of resentment?


Gerry

It's funny you use the word resentment. It's been on my mind all week.... only I think he resents me, he resents I'm not who I once was, The old fit me would have sorted all of this and there would have been no drama, no him having to do anything because it would have all been moved & arranged. He grew up never having to lift a finger, never cleaned, washed, ironed, cooked or gardening. It sounds like he had an idyllic life, I know it wasn't, it was full of violence, blood, trauma and arguments and so through it all he never learned a relationship is a two way street of give and take. So he resents me now because he has to make an effort and do things and he just doesn't seem to know where to start.

I asked on Monday would he be willing to go to marriage counselling. His answer was I've done enough counselling and I'm not doing any more.

I'm at the of my tether, after today I just don't care. The house can look like a rental gone badly wrong. I've got someone coming on Friday to take all the curtains and drapes for cleaning, they come collect, clean and reinstall. So once the painting is finished & the curtains / drapes are back in then and only then will I start to put things back how they should be. He will whinge and moan it should be done but unless it's him doing it, it's not happening. The way I feel, I can see me sleeping in the garage for all of winter.

The stress of staying sober is playing strongly on his mind he said. I know he's doing it tough, I'm very aware of that, excruciatingly aware. I can feel the waves of resentment coming off of him. He resents me for doing things he knows he should be doing & he resents me because I can no longer do them and by doing them it's making him feel worse. But if I don't do them, then they don't get done!! The Carpet layer can't lay on top of furniture, the painter can't paint a full room. I know this sounds harsh but if I'd know he was going to be so unhelpful I would never have agreed to the refurbishment.

With respect to something physical, he is supposed to have had arterial flow tests for his calf muscle, he won't get them done. His breathing is laboured and he's put on about 8kg. You can lead a horse to the trough but what he does after that is up to him.