He is home. Came minutes after I finished my above message.

She is allegedly going to take me for assault because I slapped her after she entered my house uninvited, just let heself in an waltzed down the passage way, didn’t even ring the doorbell. I said to her, I wouldn’t be coming in here, you’re not welcome, she said no you can leave and so I slapped her. She stayed inside my house for a good 30 minutes, she wouldn’t leave despite me asking her to go, I even said why are you hanging around while your friend is outside packing all your stuff, she left here without a mark on her face and carried one item. There was stuff left behind so she had to return.

When she returned to take the remainder items some 40 minutes after that. I went out and stood by the car, in fact I said to her, what no hug good bye, isn’t that what friends do, her answer was I think we’ve established I’m not your friend and so I walked up close to her and I said your absolutely right, get out of our lives and promise me you will leave us alone, she said I can’t promise that, If I want to talk to him I will. Now while I was that close I was looking in her eyes and at her face, there was not a single mark on it. She has pale skin. If there was any mark it will have been clear right from the get go.

I might have a temper but I’m confident everyone on here knows how sick I’ve been, do you really think I’ve got the strength to to hit someone hard enough to leave a mark. A mark that lasts from Sunday lunchtime to Wednesday morning. Clear enough to show DB when he went there to see her this morning.

I slapped her with my left hand, open palm. I’m right handed. She presented today to DB with a huge bruise on her eye. I said to DB if I hit her that hard, I would have a significant mark on my hand as well there are no marks on my hands and a bruise just would not last that long. I truly don’t have the strength to leave a mark. I believe myself she has created that bruise just so she could show DB. She then told him she had checked herself into a psych facility on Monday, I don’t believe that either, it’s not that easy here in WA to check into a facility and leave the next day. Yet another lie I believe.

He said to her, well it will be a bit hard for you to press charges against Pam, everyone knows how unwell she is, you on the other hand have just been done for assault.

I am horrified. I’ve never had this type of behaviour in my life at all.

I’m really not sure if I want this in my marriage, we will see what happens tomorrow night. I can see he is hurt and angry over all this, and while he can vent, he has said he doesn’t want me to say anything or it will make him angrier and send him to the pub. Yet again, I said, go ahead, I’m not your patsy or your excuse, I’m done with making excuses and tip toeing round, look what it got me, you’ve made me out to be some horror woman who controls your life when all I’ve done is support you. I don’t make choices for you, I’ve encouarged you not to drink yes, but there’s the door. Feel free to go. Everything I’ve done is to keep the house and you ticking over, people all over the world have told me to stop but I felt guilty and that you needed the support. No more. Grow your self a set and man up. Me, I’m going back to being a woman, one who is very sick at that.

Again admin I’m sorry to offload, if it’s TMI, please delete. NT is my go to. I can’t really have these conversations with my loved ones, if we stay together (if) ther is such a strong part of me that doesn’t want them to think poorly of him. Yes I’m a fool as well.

Pamela, I have spent a long time reading your last two posts. I am not ashamed to say that I cried at times.

It seems to me that she has very major psychiatric issues - her extensive self-injury (cutting) fits with this as well as all of her other behaviours. I hope that she can get psychiatric help but that is down to her and nobody else.

I am glad that your cats are back inside . Cats are pretty smart - I often turn to my two when I am upset about something.

I would like to leave you with something from Maori. It is Kia kaha., which is very idiomatic but "Stay strong." perhaps comes close.

I guess the saying goes once a liar always a liar. Even while telling me he is not in contact with her, he is. He forgets I have 25 years of knowing his tells.

It doesn’t pay to be supportive of a recovering alcoholic, not in a marital sense anyway. You get held responsible for every little thing.

I’m not sure what the point is now to see a counsellor. I’ve seen the messages this morning of their love for one another. He went to see her last night. I’m done.

Oh Pamela, no words but I am thinking and caring about you.

Dear sister
As a recovering alcoholic
Since 1992
Been in the rooms since 1990
I took myself in
Ya know one of those functional alcoholics
It was in 1992 when I began the work
It is not the you who did this
As many who are sober have sobering living
It is just the first step
Not picking up a drink
It is after not picking up when all the hard work comes into action
Now this just my experience
I have and many do not talk about what is called 13 stepping
That’s when persons come into a program and take advantage of a person who is at their lowest point in life and are involved in ways that are not suggested but happens
Infidelity a biggie
But most importantly it is the character defects that we then begin to change
I was pursued for 3 years that be Corissa’s father
He was supposed to have been divorced
Needless
Corissa understands recovery
She is a product of a recovering addict who doesn’t drink or drug
Not breaking aninimity
But in the end of this message
There are many addictive actions he still practices
Gambling sexing I was blind as Corissa was ill at three and a half months I had to concentrate on her
I was celebate for several years broke it with her father the only good thing about him was her
A horrible person in my view
But it is my experience with him a child we have together
Was not after his house business
Did it alone
Told myself
Been there did it done it with three babies to a man I was married yo who said to me after our third pregnancy
Are you breast feeding this one too
Selfish child my ex husband was
A big baby
Blessed to have divorced him at 24 with three babies
There is a point to my experience
OMG the characters that come out of an alcoholic and an addict
It’s just like anywhere else
You want to gravitate towards the truth and what others are doing in their lives living a sober life
Crap
I have been through things no child should ever have to go through thinking I was protecting my sister
And it took her to say to my mom who did not want us just a little plus
That I happened to her also
The defects that people harbor
THAT THE POINT
all the men in my life including in the rooms have many character
defects
He is defected
do you get it
It’s not you
He is lying to everybody around him
But can’t pull the wool over your eyes
You have his number
And when in the rooms
It is suggested
“If in a relationship marriage blah blah blah
And new in a 12 step program
And if not in a relationship not to get into one
Till a year of sobriety”
This a good recommendation
Know this PamelaJune
Not many have the nerve to talk about 13 stepping
Used as a pick up joint for many
And that’s the truth
They came after me like white on rice
Mind you and remember
All 12 step programs base on the original two brave men
God thank you
I am a greatful alcoholic addict
I have found a new way of living
And love who I am
CHARACTER DEFECTS
this is what one is left with
Two men and a Bible
He cannot use his drinking problems on you in anyway
And you cannot fix him
Just be there
And you were
Only to be squashed while becoming ill
It is not your fault he is who he is
Yuck
Shame on him for dumping in a sick woman who gave her everything
It isn’t easy to hear but it is the truth
Life is not always peachy
And you be surprised when you find out about the person who you lived with in your time together could and did what he has been doing for some time now
It is only you who will have to get to that place and only you can make that call if you want him back
Never to judge you either way
I myself give women credit having the grace of allowing them to stay with them
I myself had more than one experience after another
When I think and look back I would have given two only two men a chance today
To think how far they went to take me on with three children at the time
And two when I had my fourth child 17 from my eldest
The point to it all is
I found it isn’t just in the program that we look at our defects and work on them
It is only after some time did I understand what it meant when I heard
I wish the rest of the world has what AA MEMBERS have
I speak of those who really work the program
For me it runs parallel with the 10 commandants

My intent is to empower you
Uplift you
Hold you
Let you know your not alone
You matter
You are everything you worked hard to get to where you are
You are the woman who has been put through something
A selfish person hung on you
As you were and will always be the stronger one
You are not alone
I promise
You are not alone
But can empower others
And you kick butt with your doctors
And make them listen
Here for you
I’m sorry if I stepped out of line in anyway
Forgive me
Love
Me

No forgiveness required Eva, I understand entirely what you have said, and you nailed it. She is an addiction pure and simple. Thank you for breaking this through to me

I think Eva nailed it indeed. Always knew women were way smarter than us guys. Seriously.

It is the honesty I admire and respect
The ability to keep who they are in check
And be the best they could be
I am no different from you
It is just my personal experiencesan
I respect when in company of men who try and be the best they can
real honesty is surety
And it feels good
It feels good
Thanks
Me

I saw a psychologist today, we are due to have our counselling session tomorrow. The counsellor asked us both to do a list of what we wanted to cover off. I had 4 points written - DB said he never does those things, it doesn’t come out how he wants to say it...

I read my 4 questions to my Psych today. She said to me, I’ve listened to all you’ve done for this man for the last 25 years, I’ve listened to how he has been absent in enormous periods of your life. So I suggest you ask just this one question.

Why on earth would I want to stay with a man who has behaved and treated me in this way.

She tells me I deserve more. He has not held up his end of the bargain in sickness and in health and it’s a blessing he’s going. Yes it’s going to hurt, but down the track you will look back on this as the moment the light bulb came on.

If he makes big changes within 6-12 months we’ll maybe it’s workable, but the way it is. No.

I’m seeing her again on Friday. I don’t know why he wants to go tomorrow unless it is to have a professional present to tell me how terrible I’ve been, someone in his corner who has listened to his moans off the last 2 years.

Adversity in everyday
Depression stay away have no time for you
Not to let it get the better of me
It work
It’s hard work
Nobody said it would ever be easy
It isn’t a good feeling when one feels alone
It too is work
I am responsible for my happiness
I will not let depression set in like it wants to
I feel it creeping in
I must shut it down
It hurts so badly
16 pills in my day
I don’t want to take even one
But this is where my life is
A slave to the medicine
Without them I would pray to die
I would be lying if I said I haven’t prayed for that
But it isn’t over yet
Not here on earth
Theses thoughts in my mind
How do they get there
Why the ones that make me sad
Why can’t it always be in s good space
What am I afraid of
I’m afraid of the uncertainty of where I’m headed
It has always been difficult
I make it look easy for everybody
I just do
And in the end it is what it is
I need to snap out of certain moods that strip me of who I want to be
I want to be fun
Laugh
Do all the things I can’t
I stinks today just for now
Only for now
To cry it out just for a bit to hope the day gets better is my hope
To put a smile on someone’s face would make me happy
I have my little Eva who is asking me
Are you okay Mimma
How can I say no to her
I have to do my very best to make her day happy
I am responsible
Heavenly Father thank you for what I’m about to receive in my day
May I remember to always thank you
And never forget it is all in your hands
I trust you to take care of me so I can take care of them
Amen