I'm truly sorry to read all this, the more so as, in the past, I've been guilty of some of the things you describe myself.

About those test results: when you are in the active phase of alcoholism, those results don't dictate logical thinking either way. If they are OK, the alcoholic will say "see, it's not so bad, we have been exaggerating, it's OK to have a few." Whereas a really bad result will make him say "it's too late now to become sober and healthy(ier), I might as well continue drinking."

And that is the crux, of course: somehow, somewhere, the will to get sober no matter what, must be present. It may not be enough - there are other things like actively seeking help, doubting your inner voice/addicted mind (not as easy as it sounds), but it is a crucial ingredient.

Anyway, those festivities are gone now. I can only hope that your DB sees the writing on the wall, and uses this new start to give it the best effort possible.

PamelaJune, I am sorry to read about all that you are dealing with.

This is not about me but when I was in the early stages of dealing with my addiction I behaved in a similar way to DB.

My partner was great (the fact that she is, among other things, a psychologist probably helped). She bluntly told me that she could not stop me from drinking but if I made that choice she would support and encourage me. That, with help from my mental health care team worked for me.

I am sure that you are doing all of those things with DB but it is his choice and his consequences. Please remember to look after yourself first - it is not a selfish thing to do.

With care.

Thank you Kiwi, your wife nailed it. I have told him I won't / can't stop him drinking, it must be his choice and I will support him on his path. I have told him I won't be going on our 7 night cruise come March if he hasn't got some sobriety behind him. That stung, he knows I mean it.

I went into this with my eyes open and my head and heart steeled. This is his journey and I / we know and accept there will be lapses, hopefully each lapse will get shorter as he begins to wrap his head around the learnings his psych team offer. It is as we know, day by day. Today he has 3 days sober, his mental health team are all back on board from tomorrow, fortunately I see a mental health team to help me deal with the traumas I have experienced both before marrying DB and those he has caused through his alcoholism.

DB doesn't get to see his team until next week. Today is being very dismissive and sarcastic of my going to tomorrow's group. Acting out... Not sure if planning on drinking tomorrow as its his day off, deliberately haven't asked.

As Quote Wide-O says
About those test results: when you are in the active phase of alcoholism, those results don't dictate logical thinking either way. If they are OK, the alcoholic will say "see, it's not so bad, we have been exaggerating, it's OK to have a few." Whereas a really bad result will make him say "it's too late now to become sober and healthy(ier), I might as well continue drinking."

The brain is an amazingly powerful muscle. Thank you for caring enough to comment, I am most grateful. Real help comes from the valuable virtual NT support network experts who have all been there together with actual people I see.

Not sure where DB is at day wise, might be 5, could be 7? I know he has appeared to be sober, definitely at home and been active after we had a little "set to" when he goaded and laughed at me going to carers group on Tuesday. Sadly he does little in and around the house nowadays, spends most of his days off in a deep depression funk and in bed, but, does manage to drag himself out and attend the gym and pump weights for a session (Used to be an active time to attend the pub, gym for 30, pub for 60). Our "words" prompted him to blow vac outside, vacuum inside, clean the pond pump filters, empty the dishwasher and brush the dogs. A very pleasant surprise when I got home at 10pm. This weekend he is off and it will be challenging with 40c temperatures, he will be wanting to go to the gym and that challenge to resist the pull pub wise will be enormous.

PamelaJune, on balance that sounds good about DB.

One point which my clinical psychologist made to me is that when somebody is dealing with depression or alcohol addiction then "back to basics" is a good plan.

What DB has done (emptying the dishwasher, etc) are all examples of that which I think is an encouraging sign .

We knew the weekend was going to be a challenge with his days off and such hot weather. The Black Dog decided he was overdue for a visit and a massive funk descended over the house on Sunday.

DB had a horrible family call early Saturday 6am, his sister asking in a little tiny voice could DB go get her. Being in another country it was a tad hard, DB spoke with her for over an hour, she was back home in their bungalow and safe but divulged she has been put on 100g serequel and is now only drinking 1/2 a bottle of vodka a day, instead of the whole big bottle, says she can't give it up. Her husband checking how much she drinking so let's him know about the 4 beers. Sadly we learned his sister had been hospitalised with seizures just prior to Xmas with DT's, been released but still drinking, longest she has ever gone is 3 days. He thinks she will drink herself to death.

PamelaJune, that sounds really hard for you and DB about his sister.

I don't have much wisdom to offer beyond saying that Seroquel and alcohol is not a good combination.

I have never been in the situation that he is with his sister but all that I can suggest is that you encourage him to look after himself first - that is not a selfish thing to do, he has his own things to deal with and he can not "save" his sister (not suggesting that he wants to do that) though family loyalty is always important.

With care and concern .

Came home, lets go have dinner at the pub and I can have a few beers, I used Kiwi33 wife statement and added but I won't support your efforts to drink. We had a general chat, established sobriety for at least 8 or more days and a shame to see that effort go by the wayside. Gritted teeth but he stuck it out. Another day notched in the face of adversity, well done.

PamelaJune, that all sounds good to me.

It is great that DB has stuck it out for another day - if you want to, please pass on my congratulations to him for his achievement.

Very fatty apparently, but not to late to reverse it. DB reduced to tears today, maybe the 2nd time in 25 years of marriage? So hard to watch and hear. The cravings he says are hideous, he was day by day, now down to minute by minute and admitted he can spend 8 hours on the couch battling every minute with suicidal thoughts and is frightened to leave the house (fear of the pub draw). Trying a new drug (for him) Campral (Acamprosate) fingers crossed it helps combat the cravings. Very active round the house today, got lots done off his list that has been bugging him for months. Made an emergency appt with his psychologist, she will call tomorrow and confirm either Tues or Weds next week and trying to get into his psychiatrist. His group meetings don't reconvene until next week (not this as I thought), I believe the not seeing anyone over the Xmas and new year period, stopping the Antabuse, festive season with ingrained behaviours and being told it's not cancer all came together and he lapsed.
DB recounted his sober days back to the GP and to my surprise he has maintained sobriety since New Years Day, but been sorely tempted and would have succumbed had I not accompanied him to the gym on three separate occasions. Admitted he is taking his frustration out on me and that's what bought him to tears. GP was fabulous, very caring and compassionate, didn't give him the bums rush and made him feel some pride in how far he has come since he first vocally admitted his dependency back in 2011. Was hoping to get the script filled today but the pharmacy have had to order it in so will start tomorrow. 2 tabs 3 times a day with food. Won't go back on antidepressants, GP wants him to, will see what the psych says. So we start the count again in earnest at his request, day 15.