Pam,
I'm sorry but l laughed when I read your post.
We have you beat, a pile of bricks for our "new" front walk piled next to the garage going on 8 yrs! A tree fell thru our deck 2 yrs ago...we had the debris removed but the damaged railings, etc still there.

We all have that stuff around...you were so sweet because it is love for your husband that made you want to complete those tasks...so he wouldn't have to face them when he gets home. Pam, maybe accomplishing those tasks is the therapy he needs when he gets home. He is not going to have his old "crutches" and maybe being outside, doing tasks like that will be really helpful.

You have both gone through so much....both have grown and you are smart and know, his coming home sober, will be like a new life for both of you, and I can only imagine there is a lot of anxiety for both of you as you move into this new phase of your relationship.
Time to pat yourselves on the back for what you have been through.
I hope the center where he has been is helping families deal with the transition.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
What date is he coming home? Want to be praying for you both that day.
My best,
D.

Hi D, he gets home on the 12th. I'm so looking forward to seeing him. Thank you for the photos I love looking at them.

DB gets home tomorrow night Sunday 11th. I'm so looking forward to seeing him and hearing his voice. The animals will be beside themselves with joy as well.

I've been told I need to do at least 4 things differently, they don't have to be big, but have to differ from past ingrained behavioural patterns and I need to make time for myself rather than being ever vigilant to prevent an inevitable fall.

Relapse is said to be high and to be expected and I have to let him learn from it rather than prevent or protect him from it. Apparently all those times I saved him from losing his job in the early years by getting up and out and doing it for him meant he was able to carry his burden longer and not face it. I can laugh over it now, I thought I was doing the right thing for us both, but instead I prolonged the agony. Now I have to let him make the mistakes, even if it means he drinks, drives and hurts someone. How hard it is to think that, but, I have to let him go, I have to let him learn so he faces the hard facts if he does relapse. It is not going to be easy. I can live in hope that he has tried sobriety before and relapsed, they say he may actively remain in maintenance phase because he has more to gain this time round, ie his health. I hope and pray he is selfish enough to put good health ahead of the bottle this time, rather than being selfish and putting the bottle first.

I'm so frightened, I don't know what to do differently, I'm not physically well enough or mentally well enough to take on going out by myself, meeting up with people. I am going to try and see a psych one who does hypnotherapy and see if I can overcome my PTSD and crippling fear of going outside. I'm still only a destination person, go somewhere only if I absolutely have to and can't wait to get back home. Nothing like I used to be, loved going for a drive or a walk, kick boxing, to the gym. How can I be different when I'm already different?

Pam....

There's a whole network of people that can help you. Look up codependency on the internet. There are groups that have online meetings for people who for any reason can go out to a meeting. They are anonymous so you don't need to worry about your stuff being shared outside of the group. You can also reach out to these people and they can talk to you on the phone. I wish that I lived closer to you because I could come to you. I know that you feel so alone and lost. You are not alone. There are loads of us out there like you.

I would like you to think about things you can do for yourself. Read a book, do some gardening, take a bath, take a time out to craft or talk to your friends. Even a 5 minute phone call to a friend can do wonders to change a bad day. Also, grownups need timeouts just as much, if not more, than children do. Naps are another way to take some time for yourself and daydreaming works too. The possibilities are endless but you need to choose something because this is for your well being.

I so cherish the wonderful people on this site, people who have become loved cyber friends. I've just been reading another thread that left me with tears coursing down my cheeks as I read the comments and statements and in some instances just testing of the facts to suit their own thought patterns. English Dave, I well remember Shipman, I lived in the UK then. I just want to say thanks on this forum thread for all the support I have received as DB and I grappled with his journey.

My dilemma to find 4 things different to do is not that I don't do anything, I do garden and water every day (even in winter), I walk the dogs and play with them as much as I can, brush the cats and enjoy them, read books actively, take long baths with candles to relax and on Friday invested in a bath caddy so I can lean back and read instead of struggling to hold the iPad above water lol. I Skype my friends now rather than landline calls so I can see them, I love that! I watch movies and follow many tv series, I record them all and watch when I can, I've gone back to work 3 days a week and deliberately don't talk about my work at home.

I guess I say I'm frightened about what I need to do differently when I'm already different is because I'm not the active person I was before. To do something different is hard, I've already made so many changes to accommodate my declining physicality. I'm worried that anything I do differently won't be perceived as such by DB because I have already changed much in my life and he won't see it as different.

The one thing I can see I need to do different is I really need to get myself up and out that front door just for the fun of it, not because I have to go for work, shopping, dog care or destination only reasons to leave the house. To do this I need help with my PTSD and that's why I'm thinking hypnosis. Loud noises outside set off panic attacks, screeching car tyres, loud revving cars, or swiftly accelerating cars all set my heart racing.

My attention span has gone to ..... I struggle to concentrate or focus on any one thing and I flit around the house doing one thing or another. It's why I started having baths again, it meant I had to sit still in there for a bit.

I've been you tubing a lot lately, the how to do videos are great, I've created a brilliant vertical wall garden out of recycled water bottles and it looks fabulous. I hope DB will like it and I blow vacced outside yesterday, took me well over an hour and I did bits of weeding along the way. But the yard looks clean and tidy, the dogs are happy and the inside of the house is spotless in readiness for his return so he needn't feel overwhelmed with having to do things.

Anyway, it's not long now till he is home and I have a roast pork dinner to cook. Hugs and thanks to you all as you have accompanied me on this journey.

PamelaJune,

I hope you are not Skypeing your friends while you are in the bath The run-on of the 2 sentences read like that til I did a double take.

Dave.

Seems a lot and then you say 2 months and it seems not so much. For DB it's been an enlightening journey, lots of energy while in rehab, back home for a week and none whatsoever. He is in for a wellness meditation / yoga etc this weekend which I hope will soothe him and he found the men's group he attended Tuesday night good value with an agreed focus on communication. Still early days, returns to work on the 24th, it will be the tester. We are both hanging in there and trying hard with our separate but entwined joirney.