Last year at my annual mammogram; a lump left side was seen deep on back wall. Have been getting mamo/ ultrasounds every 4 -6 months. They do not feel it is malignant but will keep watch. Hopefully all is good with you.


Gerry

That's a lot on your and DB's plate. Suicide... there is no logical way to process, to react. It just hurts. Can't imagine what he was going through - although maybe I can a little bit.

Rehabs are like a micro-cosmos, but still very much like real life. People with hope, fear, dread, depressions, humor, desperation... people making up with family or falling out ... there's always just that added axe of relapse and fear of never being free on top of it all, a fear that exists both in the alcoholic and his loved ones. The feeling of being a failure - even though people are telling you you are not. Your brain getting constant jolts from both heavy drinking and sudden sobriety.

When I went in I was allowed to bring my guitar, but I later learned that in many rehabs they are not allowed. Not because of the nuisance, but because of the risk of people using those strings to ... Apparently, it is not uncommon.

Wishing you strength for the coming week.

Pamela, I really really hope that your lump turns out to be innocent.

As ever, Wide-O has offered you wise thoughts about suicide. This is not about me but when I was in therapy for both alcohol abuse and clinical depression I had times of suicidal ideation (no attempts).

I hope that DB can process the suicide in a way which works for him.

I am thinking about you both .

We are still sleeping in the garage, definitely no signs of DB drinking. The refurb is ongoing inside and out. I moved limestone bricks last Sunday morning to create a garden bed barrier to prevent the dogs digging, I have to say I've paid for it daily since with pain. DB will cement them in sometime in the next ten or so years. We have to move lots of furniture this weekend, the great room starts next week and presently has 4 couches, dining table, buffet and chairs along with all our clothes, bedding and lots of other odds & ends. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Will be a huge relief to go to the football tomorrow evening, fingers xd our team wins....

Sorry, but I had to giggle.

Refurbs are very stressful. I had learned that before I attacked the house here. The way I did it was to work during the day when she was out working or on business trips, and then put everything back - as much as possible - so that everything would be "livable" when she came home. That was a bit more work, but it forced me to plan, to move on with it, and it avoided the feeling of living in a war zone.

I remember documenting it all with pictures on some forum. It went like "Empty kitchen, put in now flooring, put everything back, all in one day. Empty again, install new drywall ceiling, put everything back. Empty, paint ceiling & walls, put everything back."

Looking back at it I'm not sure I would have the energy to go through all that again.

For the dogs, we had to put in "strategic" wooden fences, so we could control more or less where and when they had access. I did this after I once was cleaning the pond filter, walking with the dirty filter material to the cleaning place, slipping over a huge dog turd, ending up in a bush being covered in fish & dog poo. It sounds funnier now than it actually felt.

Our team lost, such a close game, 26 seconds left on the clock and they goaled. They scored a win by 3 points on our home ground. 👏 That's the sound of waving our season goodbye.

Electrician comes today, while we move furniture. A fun morning ahead .....

DB went for his 6 monthly check on testosterone levels with his men's health doctor, the 10 day regime seems to be working with good levels sustained. His bloods showed something that the Dr said they will need to monitor closely but DB can't remember what!

His Barrett's is playing up as well, causing him a lot of pain so he's talking about alcohol on and off. Little things - maybe a port or brandy will fix it, maybe a beer. On Saturday when I'd had enough of the comments I said if it's what you really want to do, although if I recall correctly the GP said alcohol will exacerbate the condition. It's a choice only you can make.

The Camparal doesn't seem to be helping with the cravings much, but I don't know enough about it. He's talking about changing to Rexia which is just 1 tablet a day and not 6 as it is with Camparal.

In my experience - both from rehab and from 5 years on alkie forums - Campral kinda works if ... you believe it does. All staff from rehab were formal: you can get it if you want, but we don't really think it helps much. You certainly can't rely on it to stay sober, that has to come from another place. During my time, only 2 out of 52 took it. And both relapsed during their stay.

What I'm saying is, but I'm sure you know: he is making his staying sober depend on external factors, like Campral, like you saying "no, a Porto would NOT make it less painful". Somehow, he needs to be able to make that switch in his own mind.

If an alcoholic is thinking "maybe one beer will ease the pain", even as a faint fantasy, there's nothing even a 100kg dose of Campral can do. The lizard part of the brain feasts on it. "YAY! IT'S BEING CONSIDERED. HMMM, BEER!", like a dumb but very persistent version of Homer Simpson. The rational part of the brain needs to shut it down immediately. It needs to be deleted as being an option. As much as it may bring some relief for 10 minutes, there's decades of pain (if you are lucky...) and paying for that first beer lying ahead, and that's 100% certainty. He really needs to learn to play the tape forward, think about the situation after that first beer (needing a second beer to keep the pain away, a third because it's starting to hurt again anyway, so let's drink a bit quicker, and what about tomorrow morning, when increased pain will be accompanied by horrible guilt/hangover/zero days sobriety). Tomorrow morning always comes. I'm so glad I drank yesterday, said no alcoholic, ever.

For me, in the first 2 years, "playing the tape" really worked on the odd day that I felt a sudden stirring of the beast. If done immediately, it doesn't even develop into a real "craving". It's more like catching out a stupid thought before speaking out loud. "Oh look, the station is moving!" "Um, no of course not, the train is, dummy!" is what you think .15 second later. You can not avoid that stupid thought, it jumps into your mind. But you can catch it.

Even if it still LOOKS like the station is moving after that, you ignore it, and go "oh, you silly brain!"

So... play the tape, and immediately go do something else, distraction, eating something, anything. When you get good at this, the stirring doesn't even last 15 seconds. Your brain will learn how you cope, how you change your behavior, and it will get easier, almost automatic.

He should not rely on you to keep him from doing it. And "vocalizing it" doesn't work, if anything, it makes it more persistent. It makes it a thing. "What if she says: 'sure, a beer, you deserve it with all your pain'?" Lizard brain doing push-ups at that point, and if you'd do a CT scan, you would see a drooling brain.

"Maybe she'll get mad, so then you really need a drink!" lizard brain continues.

It's totally OK to talk about it after it passed, to let your partner know you had been going through a rough moment. We all need some support, someone to acknowledge that it's not easy. It's not OK to use it as a pointed gun the moment it is happening. That's blackmail.

Hope you don't mind the harsher words. Again, we know how hard it can be at times, we have been there, we still deal with it today. It's not meant as disparaging. But he needs to own his sobriety. From one alcoholic to another. If it would help, feel free to read this post to him - it's me talking, not you.

Pamela, adding to Wide-O's great insights.

I play chess at a local leagues club.

When I was in the early stages of dealing with alcohol abuse I had one light beer with my meal and then played my chess game (which I won).

I reported this to my psychiatrist the next time I saw him and asked what he thought. He said that maybe in five years that might be OK but not yet.

I took his advice - that was ten years ago and I have not had anything to drink since, mainly because I really really do not want to be in that dark place again.

Sorry if this comes across as being sanctimonious (not my intention) but maybe this part of my story might help DB.

Not offended by any words here, harsh, pointed intended or unintended, I write because I need the help of others. And everything you lovely people say / share I mull over and adopt wherever / whenever possible. I'm only too well aware I'm not perfect and living with me and my crappy health is not easy on DB so I'm always mindful of what I say to him when he is in the throes of talking about alcohol. Which of late has been often. I try to remain quiet, ignore it or I change the subject, he keeps pushing and pushing saying what do you think Mrs E. I realise the way I typed the message it looks like it all happened in one passage of conversation. It didn't. It was much later when we were home and I had asked him what was wrong and if I could do anything differently to continue to provide him with support. His response was I'm just a sore loser. Later, I gently told him how his constant questioning of me about alcohol made me feel uncomfortable and how I feel it puts me in a compromising sitatuation where I feel I'm dammed no matter how I respond.

I can't deny a small part of me feels his recent talking of alcohol and pushing is his way of trying to engage me in a conversation so he can come clean and admit he lapsed. I guess it's why I made the comment drinking will exacerbate the condition. The medication he initially needed to manage the pain of his Barrett's and stomach while ceasing drinking hasn't been required for over 18 months, now he's back on it in the morning and the evening. Also, he is one of those who suffers with the burps. Every time over the years when he tried to give up drinking, I would know because he burped incessantly. Burping constantly returned after that recent weekend away and only in the last 2 or so weeks has ceased but his stomach was burning this weekend and I worry he did lapse and has done damage. While he may not have had enough to appear impaired, he may well have been having a few shots daily for a short period. We were told it wouldn't take much to exacerbate his condition. I don't know, and I won't know, I never will unless he tells me. He is a good man, we know he has his demons, but don't we all. I wish I could be a better healthier person. If I was well maybe he would feel he could confide in me.

DB has just phoned me on his way home from work, he is late, he's witnessed a car accident and the ambulance has had to come. The injured man has an old dog and no one is able to take it, the poor man was stressing in the ambulance. So guess who's coming to dinner. An old dog called Ruby is coming to us for an overnight stay or more until the mans girlfriend can come collect her. See DB has a heart of gold. 5 dogs tonight, 4 cats and I've just been told by the painters dont let any of the animals in the house as the doors are all wet. DB says she's old and can't go outside so Ruby will be sleeping in the garage with us. I think there a mouse in there too, I heard scratching and the painter and I moved a few things and found mouse poop. I can't say I'm happy about it, quite the opposite. Maybe Ruby coming will be a good thing, she can scare mr mouse away.