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Concerned about neighbor - may have relasped

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Old 07-12-2019, 06:48 AM   #11
Icehouse
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I have no idea if AA has a "hot line", as I have not been to a meeting in over a decade, and odds are that I will never darken that doorway again...YMMV
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BlueMoon1950 (07-13-2019)
Old 07-13-2019, 12:42 PM   #12
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I have no idea if AA has a "hot line", as I have not been to a meeting in over a decade, and odds are that I will never darken that doorway again...YMMV
Thank you Icehouse (( appreciation hugs ))

Blue
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Old 07-16-2019, 06:59 AM   #13
Wide-O
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It's clear you care for your neighbor, and sadly, alcoholics are very good in taking advantage of that.


That doesn't mean you have to drop her entirely; she is not well, and yes, probably drinking again, while spending 110% of her mental energy to keep the plates spinning and avoid being caught or making fatal mistakes. An alcoholic in that state is infuriating, so it's OK to be angry and hurt by it all.



Just let her be for the time being; you can not change her ways, that has to come from (deep) inside her. She is pushing you away because she knows you know. And you have to protect your own safety and well-being. Keep in mind though that someone in this state doesn't mean it in a "personal" way to you: they are pulled down by their addiction. But... you don't have to accept it AND feel bad about it at the same time. You didn't make her this way, in fact, you were a good friend to her. So, for now, just keep your distance.



Consider being there for her when things really go south and/or get ugly. And that will happen, it always does. And by that time she will probably have ruined all relationships she has now. "Being there" means practical help, like calling an ambulance, or visiting her in hospital, or just talk smalltalk... Because in the end, it is an insidious condition, one you don't choose initially, and once it gets a hold on you, very very difficult to snap out of.



Never feel bad about caring, but know you can not force the change your neighbor needs. So don't feel bad about keeping your distance (for now) either. We owe it to ourselves to protect us. Empathy is a great thing, but it can be devastating when dealing with an addict, so be nice to yourself.
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Old 07-16-2019, 10:46 PM   #14
BlueMoon1950
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It's clear you care for your neighbor, and sadly, alcoholics are very good in taking advantage of that.


That doesn't mean you have to drop her entirely; she is not well, and yes, probably drinking again, while spending 110% of her mental energy to keep the plates spinning and avoid being caught or making fatal mistakes. An alcoholic in that state is infuriating, so it's OK to be angry and hurt by it all.



Just let her be for the time being; you can not change her ways, that has to come from (deep) inside her. She is pushing you away because she knows you know. And you have to protect your own safety and well-being. Keep in mind though that someone in this state doesn't mean it in a "personal" way to you: they are pulled down by their addiction. But... you don't have to accept it AND feel bad about it at the same time. You didn't make her this way, in fact, you were a good friend to her. So, for now, just keep your distance.



Consider being there for her when things really go south and/or get ugly. And that will happen, it always does. And by that time she will probably have ruined all relationships she has now. "Being there" means practical help, like calling an ambulance, or visiting her in hospital, or just talk smalltalk... Because in the end, it is an insidious condition, one you don't choose initially, and once it gets a hold on you, very very difficult to snap out of.



Never feel bad about caring, but know you can not force the change your neighbor needs. So don't feel bad about keeping your distance (for now) either. We owe it to ourselves to protect us. Empathy is a great thing, but it can be devastating when dealing with an addict, so be nice to yourself.
Thank you WideO for your great response.

Yes, I have felt many times I was being used. However, she could easily draw me in due to my own neediness and loneliness.

But she reached her "shelf life" with me and I was no longer going to let her abuse me and create trauma for me to experience. She directed all her loathing out at me and tha was when I walked away.

I have not heard from her for the last two weeks, but I do see her car going on a regular basis and I am assuming to work, and assuming she is able to keep up the facade, for now.

I don't think I will let her back into my life again. I have given her soo many chances over the past almost 2 years and we keep going back to this experience.

Another neighbor recently tried to commit sui*ide here, one of my neighbors. I swung in to help prevent this from happening, called 911 and am now being persecuted by her friends for getting the law involved. So, I am stepping away from all the needy people who live in my building. I have this terrible need to run towards danger to help and protect those in need, but every single time, I put my own life in jeopardy. So, I am working with myself now to recognize I can no longer do this anymore, especially at my age. It's entirely too triggering to me to be this vulnerable.

So, thank you for responding to me with such valued responses ((( hugs ))). I'll come back if she surfaces again to talk more.

Blue
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Old 07-17-2019, 07:43 AM   #15
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I have this terrible need to run towards danger to help and protect those in need, but every single time, I put my own life in jeopardy. So, I am working with myself now to recognize I can no longer do this anymore, especially at my age. It's entirely too triggering to me to be this vulnerable.
Hi Blue,

This sounds a little like co-dependency to me, but I could be wrong. When I was attending CR meetings at a local Church there appeared to be a large number of people who wrestled with this.

You recognize this issue so that is an excellent step...
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Old 07-17-2019, 11:25 AM   #16
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Hi Blue,

This sounds a little like co-dependency to me, but I could be wrong. When I was attending CR meetings at a local Church there appeared to be a large number of people who wrestled with this.

You recognize this issue so that is an excellent step...
Thank you Icehouse. Did not realize this could be co-dependency. Will look it up.

Her car is gone today. This is her usual day to go to work. So, she appears to be functioning. But then when I was binge drinking, I worked full time and no one knew, because I drank at night alone. Stopped drinking May 1987. I never felt the need to attend AA groups, I did this all on my own.

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