Melody I am so sorry, I know this must be so agonizing for you. You are watching your friend suffer. Watching her son kill himself. You are frantically trying to be the glue that holds them together and it is hard. Now they have engaged you in their drama and I know it is terribly painful and that you must feel so helpless.

I hate to say this but there is nothing you can do. It sounds terribly selfish but for your own sake let your friend know that when she is sober you will be there for her and she can call then but not to rant and rave about her son, when she is ready to do what needs to be done to set her life on the right path that you are more than ready to be there for her. Tell her son to stop calling you. He does not want to follow the rules then find a new place to live. There is nothing you can do for him. He is the only one, not you, not his mother, not his girlfriend, only he can make the call.

You ask if a friend were laying in the road would you get them out, what if as soon as you got them out they continue to crawl back, over and over and the semi gets closer and closer and your family is standing at the side of the road watching. Would you continue?

It is an insidious disease, I know I have been battling it for 26 years.

Hello there Christina!!!! Welcome to our little corner of Neurotalk!!! I do hope that you will continue posting!! It may not be the busiest forum but we care about each other and we do understand each other!!!
If you feel like it share a little about yourself!!! I will be away camping from Mon to Friday so I hope noone feels like I am deserting them because I will be back...I love it here!!! Good to meet you Christina!!

Thank you Dorrie, I'm not really new I guess. I have been lurking for a long time and post very infrequently. I will not be rude and hijack Melody's thread so will make my own intro. Actually I see my New Here thread is still on the list from a ways back so I guess I won't need to lol.

Hope you have a great trip.

Hi Mama Mel
The members of this forum are so correct!
No one can help this fellow right now. He has to truly want to get better...untill then..nothing will help other than people in his life seriously washing their hands of him! That could really help but again...he has to want to stop.
I have had several sponsees in AA. One has almost 7 years of sobriety and one just does not get it. The first one was obviously ready. The second one has Childrens Aid Society on her butt so she attends on occasion but she does not want to get sober. She has lost her 2 girls now...their dad ha full custody. Her son has been placed in foster care for months before. He is back home and she has a baby now who is 10 months old....she is not allowed with her kids on her own. She is so close to losing these beautiful children and it still does not stop her. Her mom lives with her and she takes full advantage of her. Years ago when I was drinking daily my brother walked in my home and took my son away from me....I kept drinking. I used to go to the bar when my kids were both under 10 years old. I used to put a note on the back of the front door saying I would not be long I was out doing something very important. I would roll in around 4 or 5 am. Anything could have happened...but I needed to drink. I did alot of terrible things that I do not feel I need to discuss but they were bad and it did not matter because I could not think of anything else. I never even went to any events at school...not even meet the teacher night!! My kids friends were terrified of me!!
Melody...you are such a caring lady....it is hard to wash your hands of friends but we can keep the faith that they will one day get better.
These people do not know how fortunate they are to have you in their lives...I hope the day comes when they come to you for real help...in the meantime they greatest thing you can do is distance yourself and let it unfold the way it is supposed to!!! Some would say "Get outta the way and let them fall!!!"
I love ya Mel you dear sweet lady!!

Dorrie:

If I could distance myself from my own son, believe me I can do this with ANYONE ELSE!!!

I already told her that I won't be discussing drinking any more with her and I won't be receiving any more ranting and raving phone calls from her son.

Nothing is going to change.

She's a co-dependant, in a lousy marriage, and she drinks to cope. Her husband does not believe in Al-anon, and the son won't go to rehab or to AA.

That is their business, now isn't it??

I believe that doing toxic things to one's body, well you pay for it later on. If it doesn't kill you, it surely will destroy you.

The other day I spoke to a friend who lost a brother-in-law last week to lung cancer. He was only 55 years old. He was a life long smoker and once he got the diagnosis, of course, he quit. He did the chemo, radiation, and they removed the lung.

Guess what he did one week after the operation?? He started smoking again.

I just looked at her and said "that's the most illogical thing I have ever heard". She said: 'well, he died last week, so he didn't learn did he??"

I just stood there.

So if one can pick up a cigarette one week after they take out one of your lungs, then I can only wonder how hard it is for anybody else TO FIGHT ANY ADDICTION.

It must really change one's brain chemistry, (all the cravings I mean).

Yes Melody it really is something...in AA they say alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful...they are not kidding!
All that aside...I am heading out in the morning for our camping trip so I do not know if I will have time to drop in later today. I hope you have a lovely week Melody!! I am going to leave all of my stress here....no worrying allowed I have told myself!!!!
Can't wait to see what Saffire thinks of camping. I think she will love it....she loves the outdoors, swimming and sand and she definitely loves to get dirty!

WE all TRY to make sense of these things but addiction is Illogical. Like Love, the heart wants what it wants and you can't argue with yourself NOT to Love someone. Just slap the label "ADDICTION" on it. It takes conviction to get over an addiction AND determination to stop it. The addiction is always there whether you stop or not. Even when a person stops drinking. That little person inside of you just sits there waiting for you to get him going again. The bottle is patient too, it is waiting for you too. That is why we can NOT even have a sip or even a drop of alcohol, it's starts the whole thing rolling again. I don't even want to SMELL it. That gets the wheels in my brain cranking again. Just like everyone Alcoholic. I think we are just born this way.

Yeah, I really believe that this is something we are born with

I like what you say about needing conviction to get over the addiction and determination to stop it!

Compulsions are what I like to refer to life's little 'obsessions' --whether they be alcohol, tobacco, food, gambling, et al. It is certainly is a daily struggle to overcome any self-defeating behavior...takes guts, and good support!

I'm glad to have found this little niche on-line

Because of my drinking I had burned every Possible bridge so the ONLY support I got was AA and I hated meetings but I went 3 times a day for the first 6 months. Then once a day for a the next 3 or 4 years then I tapered off. I haven't been to a meeting in well over 10 years. BUT if you LEARN the tools of the program of AA inside out and USE them, they DO work.

My bff almost lost her daughter due to a mess up drinking(really bad) I credit AA
]with getting her back up on her feet. She has been doing daily(if she can)
meetings for months now and the people and support have been amazing.

The GAL who is investigating and writing a report for court has found
her to be the best parent for her daughter with weekend visitation for
dad. I hope and pray she continues on the path that she is on now.

Im amazed how AA has taught her to hold her head up, take responsibility
for all she has done, and move on in the right direction. Im really proud
of her.

So thanks AA.