Okay!!!! Back again.

Friend is still drinking. Her son is still drinking. blah blah.

However, something new happened on Saturday.

We live in different states so I couldn't be there.

They did an intervention on my friend. She's 58. Who did the intervention? He husband, the alcoholic son, and some other friends.

She phoned me later in the evening and said "I just had my intervention".

I had no idea what she was talking about.

Then she said her son "gave it to her in spades". I replied "but he's an alcoholic, HE CAN DO INTERVENTIONS??"

She said "apparently so".

So she explained how everybody told her they were concerned and about her behavior when she drinks, etc. etc.

Then she told me "I really learned something tonight, I learned that they really care for me, and I'm going to do something about this".

I said "are you going to go into detox and then into rehab?" and she said "Yes, I defninitely will do this".

Tonight she called me and we were talking and I said "so what's up? are you doing what you said you were going to do?"

And she hits me with "well, I never said I would do it, only I would do it when I felt I was ready to do it'.

I knew immediately that IT WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

She then said "oh for god's sake, what's wrong with a couple of belts at night?"

I gave it to her (didn't lose my temper), but I reminded her of the intervention and what everybody said, and what SHE HERSELF told me.

The she hit me with "well, when you were fat, no one could talk to you" "you weren't ready".

I then replied "this has nothing to do with me".

She then gave all sorts of excuses, so I said "I have to go now".


then she tried calling me two more times (I was on another phone call), and I then returned her call.

She was crying and pleading for me not to abandon her.

I said 'You have got to be kidding, you make promises, you say things, then you rationalize what you do". She then got defensive and I put it simply.

"People cared enough about you to stage an intervention. You said you understood that you have a problem, and that you are going for help, then you turn the whole thing around and try and blame everyone else".

I then said "I have to go and cook".

Here's my dilemma.

I know where she is going with this. She's NOT GOING TO GET HELP.

She drank last night. She told me so. I knew she would.

She is now saying things like "so what's the big deal if I do a couple of belts at night"???

Would someone please tell me how I am supposed to react to this? Because I haven't got a clue.

If she calls me, I'm not going to bring up anything. But if she starts slurring and is obviously plastered, I'm going to say "I have to go".

And if she is NOT PLASTERED, do I just continue to maintain a normal friendship with her?

Because this is not NORMAL.

I really don't know what to do. Her family got involved, the alcoholic son got involved (I'm still trying to wrap my head around this).

Please, I need to know the correct thing to do when she calls me.

Am I to say "sorry can't speak to you until you get clean and sober".

I don't know if I have the right to do this, (would being a good friend call for me to do this?")

What happened tonight has never happened before.

It's like a cross roads.

Anyone else ever have this happen? I'm sure it has happened to some of you.

I'd like to know what YOU think a friend should do.

Thanks much

Melody

Melody, what a predicament you are in!

I'll pass along the best advice I was ever given.

My son was going to get arrested and have to go to jail if I didn't DO something. I cornered my clergyman and waah waahed to him nonstop for about 20 min. When I finally ran outta things to say, I asked, "So what should I do?"

He smiled and calmly said, "Just love'em." He didn't elaborate and he didn't need to. I knew it wasn't up to ME to bail the kid out, and that he needed to suffer the consequences so he could learn from his mistakes.

That's been a lot of years ago. My dear clergyman has since passed away, but I've always remembered that good advice.

Mel, you don't have to save your friend. Just love her.

Twinks:

I've been "loving" her for 3 years. Including all the times her son has been hospitalized for pancreatitis, and all the fights.

It's not easy being on the phone every single night with someone who cries constantly and then drinks themselves into oblivion.

I know about "not rescuing" anyone. Believe me, I KNOW!!!

No one can help her.

But I just want a simple reply to give her when she calls me and she's belligerant, starts blaming me for her woes, starts bringing up my former obesity and says stuff like 'well, you wouldn't listen to anyone, you took your sweet time to lose your weight". blah blah.

I know that when people are active in their addiction, that they say these things. I know this.

I also know that at my age, I really don't want to go through this.

I'm in a good peaceful place. Took me a long time to get where I am.

I care about myself, about Alan and we take care of each other.

I grow my sprouts, I take excellent care of us.

I really don't want to hear ranting and raving any more.

I just need a good "reply" for when she calls and says: "don't abandon me'.

By the way, she called two times tonight and she'll continue to do this "leave crying messages on the phone". Alan said quietly to me "I heard her" I did return one phone call.

I just can't keep doing this any more.

Puleeeeze.

Melody

Hmmmmm....

What if you said, "Honey, you know I love you. I'll be glad to help you when you begin helping yourself. Call me back when you're ready to take this seriously -- your family does."

I dunno. Just the first thing that popped in my head.

Hey, CayoKay? Where are you?

Mel, Kay had a very very needy friend for several months. I'll bet she could enlighten you.

"sorry, but I'm not going to talk with you when you are in this state of mind"
or
"oh someone is at the door , I'll call you when i have time"

or
" I'll only talk with you when You are not drunk"

screen your calls - and if she keeps calling - turn off your ringer for awhile

eventually she will give up
sometimes you have to let old friendships slide by the wayside , esp if they are negative and stressful

I hope she doesn't drive while drunk...
if she isn't ready to stop drinking ....she is an adult & it's her choice

If she won't dry out for her family then there's nothing much anyone can do

Oh my god, how sad is this?

She's going to lose EVERYBODY!!

She told me the other day. "There is no happiness in this house, no one is nice to me, no one cares for me, I just want peace"

I said "We've been dancing to this tune for over 3 years. I know you went through hell, but your coping mechanism is NOT going to work for you.

You need to dry out, get help and face the new day. And there will be a new day. You can meet new people (in exactly the same situation you are now in).

She has numbers of rehab places (for her son), and he won't go.

I said "your son has to clean up his own act, THIS IS YOU WE ARE TALKING ABOUT'.

Then she asks me "do you think I can do this, I don't want to face the pain, I don't want to do it cold turkey, I am weak".

I simply say "who said you need to do this cold turkey". "There are people who will help you, but you need to make the first move, THEN I SAID"

"Now stop talking about it, because all this is just noise (I read that once).

"Get yourself clean and sober, and take back your health".

"Nothing tastes great like the taste of good health".

She just says "But I'm afraid, I'm afraid".



.........I'm going to say what either Twinks or Jo-mar suggested.

I'm copying and pasting and printing it out.

Hard to do (I've known her over 35 years.)

Thanks much my friends.

Melody

I have no words of wisdom.

I have no pithy sayings, for when they call drunk and pleading.

all I have is a hole in my heart, because I decided NEVER to be a co-dependent again.

I decided to STOP being a listening post, constantly absorbing their pain, and tolerating their verbal abuse, while offering sympathy and understanding.

I decided that I must take care of myself and my children first.

painful, but necessary, with my MS, but it had to be done.

and now I regret it, because my brother is dead.

two years ago, Daniel drank himself into a coma, swallowed his own vomit, and asphyxiated.

by then, I hadn't spoken to him for several years.

I did everything I could, interventions, letting him (and his 2 kids) stay with us, untold thousands of hours of phone calls, helped him through two divorces, babysat for days at a time, helped him move house, bought hiim food, paid his bills, until I was so frazzled I couldn't see straight.

I'm a good co-dependent.

my ten-year relationship with Mark went down the toilet because he couldn't stop drinking beer... and I'm not talking a little, this is two to four six packs a NIGHT !!

Mark blamed his drinking on me, saying that he felt helpless watching the MS eat away at my body, my brain, and my life... and almost had me convinced it was all my fault.... so I finally left him, in 1996.

my sister Karen was a junkie, and now calls herself "clean" because now she only abuses Rx meds and booze (*sigh*)

I bailed her out of jail, let her stay with me, until she overdosed on my meds (what kind of sister STEALS your medicines?), then I tossed her into the hospital, and have never spoken to her again...

Karen knows that I am here for her, and that I LOVE her always, but I just cannot DO any more for her, she has to help herself.

my mother was a boozer for 20 years... MOM pulled herself out of it, with her own bootstraps, and the help of AA... and went on to have a good life, free from the albatross of alcohol.

Mom became my best friend, guiding me through all the MRIs and med decisions, and became my pillar of strength.

Mom passed away from lung cancer in 1998... so, after all that work to get clean and sober, she succumbs to another addiction, cigarettes.



so, you can SEE why I have no words of wisdom, only confusion, pain, loss, and heartbreak.

prayers for you Melody, and your friend... that's all I can offer.

Hi there:

First of all, I'd like to give you a hug!! Several hugs because we all need hugs from time to time.



You've certainly have had your share of family and friends with addictive personalities haven't you.

I'd like to share my story with you.

I had a verbally abusive mother and a really loving father. I once wondered "why on earth does he stay with her"?

I always thought EVERY 12 YEAR OLD KID COMES HOME FROM SCHOOL TO FIND THEIR MOTHER WITH A GLASS OF SCOTCH SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, RIGHT?"

That was what I grew up thinking. I really didn't know anything about alcoholism, co-dependancy, etc.

I never liked the taste of alcohol so I never drank. I DID EAT!!! Blew up to 300 lbs by the time I was 40. Killed my knees and got diabetes.

Didn't get the light bulb moment until years later, but I got it and it took!!

I've lost friends to lung cancer, anorexia, obesity, you name it, they all had their THINGS!!

Oddly enough, I'm the only one of them who GOT IT!!! They resented me for it, but I understood. I never preached. I knew enough not to. They had to find their own way.

I got tired of going to funerals.

My own mom, drank herself silly until she was 79 (and looked 100). She got emphasema from the 5 pack a day habit). When I went to see her, she asked me to go and buy her a pack of cigarettes. I opened her handbag and told her 'you have 28 packs (I counted them". She said 'oh".

I asked her doctor and he said "the nicotine is in her brain, she can't quit now". I said 'oh , I know this".

But what really got me, was when I visited her (we lived in different states, in the nursing home where she and my dad resided (they actually allowed them to reside in the same room in the nursing home), UNTIL, my father could not take my mother's abuse any more, and they shipped her to The Sunshine Home, where they promptly lost her.

And here was I, in Brooklyn, NY, flat on my back with sciatica, trying to hunt down my,...then 78 year old, mom.

I finally found her. Got her on the phone and she blasted me saying "Get me out of here".

We had to put her back with my father. She passed away from her various woes, and THAT'S WHEN MY FATHER BLOSSOMED. Never saw a man get better so fast. He had congestive heart failure, but after she passed away, they made him the nursing home mailman and he scooted around in his scooter thing. They actually took him off of hospice because he did so well. He was 80.

I visited him whenever I could.

He died a good death (so they tell me). On Christmas Eve, in 1995, he simply got up off of his scooter thing, sat down in a chair and passed away. A nurse promptly called me and said "I know this is hard to hear, but if a person has to pass away, THIS IS THE WAY TO DO IT." i understood.

Addictions, no matter what they are, rob us and everyone else of various qualities of life.

I am grateful (to whoever is in charge), that I found the strength to stop eating what I was eating and turn myself around. My husband (who never cooked a darn thing in his life), well, he had no choice. He's healthier too.

We try and find something to laugh about every day.

But when I get these phone calls and hear what she says, well, it brings me to a place where I really don't want to be.

I am so sorry for the losses you have endured. You mother sounded like a real sweetheart and I'm glad she was there for you.

I understand your regrets about your brother.

I had regrets about not being able to help my son. But I've talked to professionals and I can't let it kill me. My son is still alive, but has no family values, no family contact, and exists only in virtual reality worlds. THIS IS PROBABLY THE NEW ADDICTION THAT IS GOING AROUND. It's affecting quite a bit of our young people. Mostly young men.

I can either hit myself in the head over this, or I can move on.

I chose to move on. My husband is having more difficulty with this, but we'll get through it. Holidays are the hardest. Judgemental friends and family are even harder. They should walk in my shoes for 5 minutes, then they can tell me what to do.

We can't rescue people. I know this. Sometimes the heart doesn't fully understand but after a while, the head kicks in and I am better.

I can't look at any photographs of my son. They are all turned downward in drawers, and such. My husband had to go through them all so I could get other photos I wanted to see. I took down photos that were on the wall. I put up others.

It's the way my mind works to detach myself form his various addictions. He's a controlling personality with various diagnoses.

Nothing I can do. I gave it 28 years.

Now I have to find my own happiness.

Otherwise I would be dead.

And I DON'T WANT TO BE DEAD!!!

So my dear, I appreciate that you took the time to write to me and share your information.

Here's another hug.



Love Melody

oh, I left off the one Rochelle wanted me to write about!

my friend discovered at the beginning of last fall that her husband had moved a young chippie into their home and bed, while she was working here in Belize.

she flew north to confront him, that didn't go well, and on her way back, she was assaulted at knife-point, robbed, and nearly raped before help arrived.

she came to us a total MESS, and I let her stay here (in our tiny cabana guesthouse) for 9 weeks.

I kept making excuses for her inconsiderate behaviour (she needs help. she needs time, she's hurting) she drank up the cases of beer I keep on hand for guests... (we rarely imbibe) and so, it went on and on and on.

then, she began saying she didn't want to LIVE anymore, and I finally had to lay it on the line, as my physical and mental health was at stake.

she wasn't picking up after herself, nor assisting with the farm, nor contributing to overhead (power, water, etc.) and all she was was a DRAIN.

yet she always had money for eating out, travelling, and partying... and it got so I built up a resentment mountain in my heart.

there was no way in Hades I could deal with a crying miserable suicidal friend any longer, so I had to show her the gate.

"Goodbye, we love you, but you need PROFESSIONAL HELP, and we can't give it to you here!"

she's off now sailing the Caribbean, as crew on a ship, and I'm pretty sure she'll "forget" to ever pay us back for her 9 weeks of meals and lodging.

:sigh:

that's the last time anyone will ever take advantage of my generosity.



good though, Melody... to hear how your Dad blossomed, that's amazing.

Where do I start?

I know nothing was going to sober me up until something like The Wreck happened. (pics on my myspace). No matter what I lost; my wife and sons, job, our home, it didn't make me snap me out of it. Those bad things helped create the Eeyore in me. Liquor became my favorite crutch. And I couldn't recognize the cycle until I was in the hospital for 10 weeks; I didn't have what I wanted so I drank. And because I drank, I didn't get what I wanted.

I tried AA before the wreck. Used to go there drunk or start drinking shortly after I left the meeting. I was too far gone for an intervention, my wife leaving and taking our sons hurt but I still drank... because of the hurt.

Addicts and alcoholics and those damned rationalizations. Making excuses for our actions is what keeps us in the hole.

I had to hit my own rock bottom to start digging out. Your friend (and anyone else in the pit) have different 'bottoms'. I even had friends and family 'cut me off'. Still wasn't enough.

So! As far as your friend goes, I offer only two choices:

1. Cut her off. It doen't have to be soap opera dramatic and you don't even have to tell her until she asks. No more communications between you two. You don't need people around you like her.

Redefine "friend". It isn't all take and no give on one persons part. I try to be "friendly" -an adverb- to everyone, but I have few "friends" -a noun. I've had to give that speech to everybody 10 years younger than me when I was in management at different jobs. But this ain't about me.

2 Make the decision for her. If #1 doesn't sit well with you, go the opposite direction. Put her in a car and take her to be admitted to get dried out in a rehab center.

Talk doesn't fix all problems. Action is needed.