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Old 09-13-2013, 11:41 AM #1
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Default How long might he have been hiding this?

My husband's brother recently went to visit their parents (other side of the country). After he came back, their dad admitted to my husband (probably because he thought we'd hear from his brother) that mom has "been having some memory problems" recently.

"Some memory problems" is along the lines of:

Dad calls mom from the store and asks what she wants him to bring home for dinner, she tells him chicken breasts. So dad buys and brings home chicken breasts.

Mom stares at them, sitting on the counter, and says, "I don't know what these are. I don't know how to cook them."

So, sister-in-law stepped in and said, I know what to do with them, and helped her cook dinner.

There was also something said about the doctors gave her pills, but she won't take them.

Now, Mom has always been a gourmet cook. If she has reached the point where she cannot recognize chicken breasts or how to cook them, then Dad has been hiding Mom's "memory problems" for quite a while, hasn't he?

I realize that, when Dad would call just to talk, he'd always pass the phone to Mom also, but for the past few years, he wasn't doing that. And the calls from them have gotten fewer and fewer.

My husband's family is well-meaning, but sadly misguided, they all hide anything distressing from each other thinking they are protecting each other. So last summer, we got a call that Uncle R had a terminal brain tumor, it turns out they had known for at least a month, but no one had thought to call hubby. Two days later, while he was still trying to collect his thoughts and feelings and compose an email to his favorite uncle, Uncle R died. Hubby never got to say anything to him. (He lived in Germany now, and came over to visit once a year.)

So I am wondering just how serious, how far along is hubby's mother, should we somehow scrape together the money for plane fare to get him down there asap? Life has taken some really tough turns for us in the past few years, so he hasn't seen her in quite a while. And if his dad is trying to hide her problems, they won't be coming up to visit (all of the rest of the family is up here near each other) anytime soon, or at all.

What do you think? Should I be this worried?
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Old 09-22-2013, 12:52 PM #2
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Has she been diagnosed with Alz.? I apologize if you stated so, and I may have missed that.

Within recent reports, the onset may commence as many as 10 to 20 years prior to official/clinical diagnosis.

As a leading neuro. doc, who specializes in Dx'ing Alz. and differential Dx'ing -- among neurodegenerative conditions: It's not the analyzing and hindsight that most matters, but obeservation.

If you noticed definitive signs/symptoms (and maybe way before others) don't hesitate to share your observations with the doc/s. They may not be able to comment, but will take all into consideration. (And, that is stated due to a patient's HIPPA, etc.)

Too, whether you hubby should visit or not: That's a personal decision.

There is "staging" that is assigned to Alz. and its progression. The only way to assess that is through a skilled, licensed professional.

On a personal note: If he feels that a visit is over-due, then, maybe it's time. He might find her better off than others are stating.

My up-close and too close understanding is: Folks with Alz. or FTD have both good day and some bad. It's a total roller coaster until end stage.

P.S.: I know there are some typos., but have been up all night cleaing "fingerpaint" of stuff that makes me gag, thanks to caring for someone who is so far outta it.
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Old 09-23-2013, 11:59 AM #3
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They can often fade in & out minute by minute or hour by hour, until it progresses to totally out of it..

DH might need to make a longer call and ask some hard questions about how things are really going..then decide if a visit is needed.
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Old 09-24-2013, 12:35 AM #4
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We have no idea what her behavior is, we are 1200 miles away.
His family specializes in covering up and denying problems. Dad will not willingly tell, and will probably get angry at us intruding on their privacy by asking.
I keep telling hubby he should call his brothers and ask what the real story is, but if he has, he isn't telling me. Probably hasn't, denial is their way of life, if you don't acknowledge it, then it doesn't exist. He cannot say the word "died" or "dead" in conjunction with a human, he sputters and ums and hints and uses all kinds of weird euphemisms (Honey, I have to go to a memorial on Saturday. For who? Former boss's husband, he um, you know, well, he, um, it was a few months ago, he, cancer, so he's, well, with us no longer so to speak, um... and he didn't even know the guy, just worked for the wife for a few years!)

I am going to see if it's okay with him if I call a brother or sister in law to find out.

I know Alzheimer's symptoms vary from day to day, from hour to hour even. But if she's having times when she doesn't recognize common food items, or what to do with them, then she's probably been having problems for quite a while, right? And I should probably scrape up the money for a plane ticket for him now, when he will still be able to have a good visit with her, right?

We don't have the money for a plane ticket. But if it's important that he get down there, soon, while she is having more good times than not, we will just have to find a way. I was just wondering how urgent it might be, if she's forgetting things like what foods are.
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Old 10-04-2013, 05:55 PM #5
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No one can possibly offer the "right" answer, since there isn't a single one that is one-size fits all. That said: a persistent onset of symptoms/behaviors may offer insight into what decision is the best in your situation.

Fading and out? That's different from persistently not knowing -- such as not knowing from one day to the next compared to a total lapse in recall or recognition.

If a cause for concern, I'd acton the notion of not wanting any regrets in life. Just my take And, I wish you and your family the best .
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Old 02-26-2014, 10:34 PM #6
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sorry....just realized this was an old post......
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If experience with my 90 yr old Mom is any indication, I have to say that her dementia has progressed achingly slow. She started with memory issues several yrs ago and stopped be able to cook over 5-6 yrs ago.

If I can offer my honest advice, it is very obvious you love your husband and his family very much. Perhaps let him make the decision to go see his Mom or not.
Maybe research dementia a bit and educate yourself and maybe give him some info to read and tell him you are concerned about his Mom and asks if he minds if you call other members of his family.Although everyone is different, I don't think it is urgent he travel to see her but maybe make a game plan as your schedule and budget allow..I dont think it is panic time unless there are other health issues that may be causing her cognitive issues( mini- strokes often called TIA's , brain tumor, etc). If he has trouble handling and facing emotionally charged issues, seeing his Mom with dementia may be very difficult for him. I have found many in my family and my husbands family just prefer not to know or deal with these difficult issues and avoid them at all costs so you you are not alone in dealing with that. I realize it can be incredibly frustrating because I am like you, I want to know what is going on and I want to deal with it but I have learned the hard way, not everyone wants to know and deal with the reality of the situation. wish you all the best.
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