The Mother Of A Friend Has Just Been Diagnosed With Alzheimers
And He Doesn't Know Anything About It - His Mother Is 81 And His Father Is 82 (with Parkinson And A Bad Heart). His Mother Just Had Back Surgery And Has Gotten So Much Worse Since She Came Home.
He Still Allows Her To Drive And She Refuses To Have Anyone Come To The House. Everyone Is In Denial - If They Dont Deal With It Then It Will Go Away. I Am Scared To Death What Could Happen.
Any Advice. I Have Given Him All Kinds Of Information But He Refuses To Look At It. Half The Time She Dosn't Even Think She Is In Her Own House.
How Do I Get Him To Face This Disease And Deal With It -
Even The Doctor Told Him He Has To Be The Bad Guy And Deal With It
But That Didnt Do Anygood.
These Two Are Not Checked On At All

Hi queenbee,
wow, what a very difficult situation.

They sound as if they need a full time carer around and it sure does sound dangerous especially if the mother is driving a car if she's doing as badly as it sounds.

Have you ever met any other relatives of your friend? Sisters, children? You've given your friend information as I'm sure the doctor has done as well. The situation seems somewhat drastic to me just from what you've written.

I'm not really sure what to even suggest 'cause I'm not sure if your friend is a full time carer staying and caring for them at home, or if they're totally on their own.

Does your friend stay at home to care for his mother and father or are they living on their own there??

Keep plugging away with the information. Print out some info. and give it to your friend even if they say they don't want it. Please let us know what is happening, it sounds very worrying indeed.

I was just sitting here thinking about what I'd do in the same situation. Sheesh... hardly something one can stay in denial about for too long although it's understandable. I can also understand that the mother might be in denial if she's been told... that is IF she's been told. Maybe she's not be told about her diagnosis yet??

If you can't get your friend to understand then I'd probably contact one of the Alzheimer's Disease Associations and ask for some advice from your perspective as a friend trying to help out.

I thought there would be something on these sites specifically regarding "denial" but I'm so tired and having trouble finding what I want. If I do find something specific later, then I'll post it as well.

http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/j...jsp?nodeid=571
Family Caregiver Alliance
Alzheimer's Disease, Early Stage

Some great information on that site above. The info. on that one page seems specifically tailored for the person who has just been diagnosed rather than a relative, but there is a section on driving which might be good to give to your friend. Also some contact resources and there down the bottom of that page.

http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/j...jsp?nodeid=989
Caregiver's Guide to Understanding Dementia Behaviors

There's also a Caregiver's Forum here at NeuroTalk. Perhaps if you copy your post over there as well, someone else will see your message and have some advice for your situation there.
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/fo...aysprune=&f=56
Caregiver's Forum - NeuroTalk

Thanks What You Have Given Me Means A Lot To Me. I Am At Wits End, No She Hasn't Been Told - It Is A Sore Subject That No One Wants To Deal With. I Can't Believe It. I Have Approached It 1,000 Differant Ways And If I Keep It Up I Will No Longer Have This Friendship. I Just Don't Know What To Do

Hi again. I was actually thinking more about the situation overnight. (I'm on diff. timezone in Australia).

It's a shame they have such a communication problem there.
I think if it was me (and I've thought about this a lot because of close family history of relatives who have developed Alzheimer's Disease) then I'd want to know as early as possible.

Surely their doctor must have some responsiblity in all this. Maybe he's not aware of this lack of communciation and lack of care that's going on. Maybe your friend's mother has been coping all right for so long in her life that her son thinks everything is going to continue that way.

When I was reading some sites last night for you, I saw a lot of mention of such better quality of life if everyone can get organized early as possible.

My thoughts are with you. Tough situation. If you can't contact any other relatives of your friend to discuss your concerns with then maybe you need to take more drastic measures like contact community services in your area for advice or even talk to your own Doctor and ask her/him what can be done in the situation.

I'd probably do that first.

btw,
I do know that my old auntie lived on her own for a while after being diagnosed and she did very well with regular visitors checking on her and doing certain chores and shopping etc., but that was in the very beginning and she was doing alright for a while. Then as she deteriorated of course, that was no longer possible so she lived with her daughter for ages until her decline progressed too far and that was around the same time that her daughter burned out from exhaustion.

My auntie's mother, [my grandmother on my father's side], also had Alzheimer's and she lived at home with her daughter and the family for years and years until her death. Both of them always had someone around checking on them and making sure that they were still able to live safely and not leave stoves on or wander off and become lost, and they were certainly able to do that for a while very safely, but they weren't also caring for their spouse who was already ill themselves... like your friend's mother and father situation. Eating was a big problem I remember. Forgetting to actually eat and care for themselves properly. Hygiene etc. Fortunately they had relatives who cared who could do all that, otherwise it would have needed to be community workers or carers doing all of that.

Lara,
Thank you for all your advice.
She hasn't been told. If they tell her then they have to face it and I guess they can't.
If she were my mother I would have gotten everything organized to make her life easy and simple.
I went for two weeks to see them everyday. First thing in the morning to make sure they made it thru the night, took thier medicine, made lunch and dinner. Picked up medicine, helped shop, tried to get her to bath.
All day no one called or stopped to check on them.
Doctor told son to tell his mother but they are looking for someone else to do it, they even tried to get her surgeon to do it.
The mother does not want me coming up anymore, she says her sons can handle anything she needs. I really adore her and we had a great friendship
and in my heart I really do not want to lose that but even more I do not want anything to happen to her or her husband. They are so adorable.
She has left the stove on, doors unlocked, she will tell me she took medicine
and when I count the pills she didn't.
Thank you again

Hi Queenbee,
I must say that they're lucky they have you to care about them so much.
You mentioned that their son was wanting someone else to tell his mother. Well, maybe if no one is caring about or for them, then it will have to come to that and the Doctor or the surgeon will just have to do that although it sounds as if it's really neglectful that the son is allowing this whole situation to continue especially under the circumstances. I just can't understand it. ugh. Personally I think that the risk of losing the friendship is less important than the safety of the parents, but that's not a position that you or anyone should find themselves in the first place.

It's also really hard to imagine this can go on too much longer without anyone except you doing anything to help them out. What a worrying situation you find yourself in right now. I don't know... I think if I was in similar situation and I knew the doctor's name I'd have to intervene. If your friend is not going to do anything about the situation and in light of the dangers involved there might not be any other choice.

Well, I'm thinking of you. I hope to come visit here one day and hear that the son has sorted out some of his parent's affairs and that they're safer and receiving care. You're a good person for having helped them out. I'm sorry that the Mother thinks her sons can help her when they're not doing that at all. I guess people are like that. I'm like that and know others like that. We have our independence and it's difficult to give up even when we're really ill. Not sure if she's just being stoic or not though.

Talk later.
Lara

Edited later to add:
I was just reading an article down the list in the forum which Chemar had posted quite a while ago... it's regarding care of the caregiver. I thought it was very good. Maybe your friend doesn't realize just what is available out there to help him help his mother. It's an excellent article. Maybe you just will have to keep throwing this info. out and hope that your friend finally "hears" you.

http://www.medilexicon.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=56554
Counseling Alzheimer's Caregivers Postpones The Nursing Home
15 Nov 2006

Queenbee, if you are in the states, you can notify the local senior services in the county where they live and they will do an investigation of their living circumstances. At least they do in most states. If they are found to be in a state of neglect or in harms way then a guardian can be appointed and maybe they will have to be moved into a home or relatives will have to be notified - but it is dangerous to be in the situation how they are...

I am in a similar situation... my in-laws live in an apartment. My father in law wants to take care of his wife who has dementia and is blind and incontinent. He has tremors and in his poor health and I would say is starting to lose his congnitive faculities himself (he thinks 911 is new and does not know that area codes need to be dialed, for instance and is extremely hostile) but his son thinks he is fine and is living how they want. They only have help 5 hours a day, 6 days a week. The doctors wanted 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He makes very poor decisions and yet my husband will not intercede as his thinking is that this is what is making his father happy! So it may not be the doctor but the people making the decisions as the doctor cannot force the patient until damage has been done. Then the state can step in and actually take over.

Thank you everyone for your kind replies.
This is a difficult situation but made more difficult by families reactions to this . I come from a very close family even though we are seperated by many miles. We have always been there for each other no matter what. Never once have we made a decision based on how will it interfere with my life.
I guess this is why it is so hard to understand .
Thank you all again