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Old 08-20-2007, 06:53 AM #1
talia talia is offline
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Default husband with ocd

I am looking for some information about how I can help my husband with ocd (that he does not acknowledge). He gets angry at the suggestion of doing something other than the way he needs it done and will not toss useless items, papers in particular. Psychotherapy and medication trials(during the illness and subsequent death of his parents) did not yield positive results. He has been untreated now for a couple of years with hope that "things will eventually change." Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 08-21-2007, 03:18 PM #2
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Hi talia,
It's a difficult situation you find yourself in I would imagine with your husband not wanting to acknowledge he has this problem. There is some good information around these days particularly regarding the 'hoarding' component. I know someone who is a compulsive hoarder (former husband) and for them it's more about their need to control everything around them. Unfortunately in keeping objects and hoarding everything imaginable it becomes difficult for people to live a regular life. Trying to remove things from the environment only causes anxiety and a feeling of loss of control all over again.

Anyway, just wanted to leave a few good websites here for you. Your hubby needs to get help for this and there is help available and hoarding can be treated. Getting him to do this is the big hurdle! I really feel for you. The only way that he's going to get help though is to acknowledge that this is a problem and from my own past experience with a hoarder, that's easier said than done. The sad thing really is that there is help these days and it might take some time and it might be inconvenient but heck, it's a lot better than not treating the behaviour/condition and ending up living with piles of "things" and nothing else. All the best with this... please let us know how you and he are doing and if he's willing to get some help.

There is some excellent info. on the OC Foundation site regarding hoarding. There's a list of topics on the left hand side of the site.
http://www.ocfoundation.org/hoarding/
Obsessive Compulsive Foundation
  • * What Is Compulsive Hoarding?
  • * Treatment
  • * Effects on Family & Society
  • * Research Articles
  • * Research Digest
  • * Book Reviews
  • * Case Studies
  • * About Support Groups
  • * Rating Scale

There's also some more information on this thread here at NeuroTalk that might be helpful.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=7270

also there are a lot of very good articles about Hoarding and OC behaviours over on PsychCentral which is the parent site for this one at NeuroTalk. There's a search feature on the main page and if you just type in a key word then you'll bring up some excellent information.

http://psychcentral.com/search/?Matc...arding&x=0&y=0


I just noticed on PsychCentral there is one paragraph about "cluttering" rather than "hoarding" but it mentions the real key to all of this and I hope that your husband will get some assistance from a professional for what he's going through. The illness and loss of his parents would have been a terrible time for him. There are other ways of treating OC behaviours apart from medications although sometimes medications in conjunction with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy seems to work best. It all depends on the individual situation. I just hope he goes back to see a professional sooner than later, and make sure it's someone who is skilled in CBT.

Quote:
This is not about "organzing" or "cleaning up."
We believe we must first accept and understand the roots of our behavior.
Edited to add:
Something else I was just thinking about and that's "anxiety". What I personally saw was the actual hoarding or saving of objects wasn't a cause for anxiety, it was the throwing away or the re-organizing of the objects and that's another reason that your husband needs outside professional help, because if you as his partner start to reorganize or throw out what your husband is collecting then he'll lose his sense of control and the anxiety will surface... as I say that's just from personal experience. Not sure it's the same for everyone.

Last edited by Lara; 08-21-2007 at 03:38 PM.
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Old 08-23-2007, 12:39 AM #3
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Default good ocd id info

Thank you for the information. The info does help confirm my suspicions re:my husband's issues. I was hopeful to hear that there could be a happy ending to couples going through this together. I am assuming your happy ending didn't include your current ex-husband. I am hoping for a different fate but it remains to be seen.

However, whenever an opportunity arises to discuss help at this point, he rejects the idea of outside intervention. He explains how he will go through his "piles" to clean up...which he does not do by the way... or rationalizes why things have to be done his way...even if rigid/nonsensical to me.

Any suggestion as to if or how I can move him toward some medical/psych diagnosis/care? I think that at this point, I may need professional help more than he does since I am out of "tricks."

I am almost at the point which I feel that I can do no more for him. The negative impact on my children and me is strong and forceful.

Thanks again for your input and thoughts.
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Old 08-23-2007, 05:12 PM #4
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Firstly, I should mention I'm having major power problems here, so it's highly possible the power will go off again and I don't finish my post. First heavy rain in 5 years here and the ground doesn't know what to do with it all.

talia, please don't be disheartened by the fact that my former husband and I ended up with a divorce. It truly wasn't about his compulsive hoarding way back then. In fact it's really only in retrospect that I see that he was headed that way seriously. The larger the space it seems the more he could collect. We originally lived in a pretty small home and sure, he was a 'collector' but I just thought he collected interesting things as people sometimes tend to do. I never dreamed it all would become such a problem as it is for him now. My children are now 20 and 18 and I know it worries them seriously because they see all these things that are never used or never looked at. There are more rooms in his house filled with things than there is space for living. The only one good thing is that he does appear to separate the "things" behind closed doors and not pile things up in the living areas.

I guess it wasn't until we built a much larger house that I started to realize that more space was taken up with 'collections' than was supposed to be. lol We've been apart for over 10 years now, and his house is just one huge pile after another these days. In fact I find it really sad. I don't see that he has true OCD but I do see he has an Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder... which means he's a controller. Has to control his external environment. To me his environment is totally out of control but he doesn't see it that way. You might want to look at the symptoms of OC Personality Disorder. Listed below on the Psych Central site.

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx26.htm
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder
SYMPTOMS

as opposed to

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/ocd/

OCD Information & Treatment

I've been a very independent person since I was a very young child and didn't take lightly to being controlled. It really made me feel unsafe. I think that had more to do with our marriage breakup than his hoarding or collecting of useless objects. We had a LOT of things going on when our marriage broke up. We were building a house. The architect was in cahoots with the builder. The builder went bankrupt. The director of the architect firm was involved with a business which had failed and the person running that had absconded off to an island near Spain with everyone's money to evade the law.

My son was diagnosed around that time with a movement disorder (later diagnosed on Autism spectrum and has tics and OCD and some other issues) and daughter later diagnosed with tics and OCD herself, so we basically had a LOT going on. I have my own OC issues, but none of it is like this hoarding and control thing that my former husband has. He seems absolutely and totally unaware of how excessive it all is which is totally unlike the awareness involved in all the other OC stuff that the children and I have been through.

I'm the only person who got counselling here. He wouldn't get involved. He figured he was in total control and none of it was his problem and therefore he was not interested. Subsequently he's gone on to keep hoarding and has become more and more rigid.

With my children's father... it seems to me it's all about "letting go". I don't just mean his collections of things, I also mean emotionally with people. We went through the most dreadful separation and divorce for that reason too, because he didn't want to let go of me either. I've noticed also that since his own mother's passing that he seems to have become worse... well, that's what the children say and what I've seen from brief observations myself.

There have been occasions where my daughter has attempted to help him sort through things and give things away or take things to the tip, but from all accounts it was a very difficult time for her, because he was so upset with letting go of all those things. It's not as if he collects old food cans and newspaper or things like that, he collects empty electrical boxes and musical instruments that he'll never play. It's not all junk. Much of it is valuable, but it's totally unnecessary baggage really.

It's really not fair on either of our children because they're the ones who are going to have to deal with it all one day. It's as if these "things" are more important than people are important and I am not like that. I live very simply. I have simple needs as long as my children are well looked after and loved. They've always had everything they need, but they're a different generation and different age. Me, well, I don't need "things" to have a happy life. I don't think my ex is happy at all. It's more as if these things he has are propping him up.

What to do, what to do...
If this behaviour is interfering in your daily living then go to a counsellor yourself. That's what I did and I mentioned earlier that my ex wouldn't do that and that I see that as part of the whole disordered thinking pattern. Talk to someone about what's going on... a professional who is familiar with "hoarding" behaviours, and go from there. There is help and I'm sure they'll be able to guide you and advise you how to get some help for your hubby.

I honestly don't believe you should take my relationship problem with my ex to mean it'll happen to anyone else. We're all different and I'd had enough (and not just of the hoarding behaviours, it was much, much more than that) and had to change things drastically for my own self preservation and the well being of my children. If you're really close and you love him very much then do everything in your power to keep the marriage working. Marriage though is a two way street and sometimes we have to give an ultimatum from time to time to keep things on track.

sorry about this very long rambling post. It sure did bring back a lot of memories. If you make it clear that his behaviours are affecting you and the children and you are taking steps to get some counselling for yourself at this time, it might just be the jolt he needs to realize that he must do something now to sort out what is going on for him.

I'm sorry I really have not given very good advice here, and rather have talked a lot about my own situation years ago, but the main point really is that there is help for people who have these conditions these days more than ever before and gosh, as hard as it might be for him to give in and get help, it's worth it in the long run to have a happy and loving family. It's tough being alone.

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Old 08-23-2007, 05:21 PM #5
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I just also wanted to post the link to another thread here. You may have already read it but I'll post it just in case...

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=7270

"Hoarding & Clutter - is it OCD? If so, it's definitely a very different kind"
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Old 08-26-2007, 08:35 PM #6
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Thank you for sharing the personal experiences you went through to get where you are now. What you shared with me about your situation brought tears to my eyes...both for your pain and the similarities to what I am going through now. I admire your strength in managing some rather significant challenges on your own.

I actually just sat and looked at the computer screen for a few moments thinking how difficult life is for so many people.... How few know the intimate struggles of our lives and how we get up every day as if it is a new opportunity to win.

I've never really told anyone my difficulties as I don't want to appear weak both to myself or others. However, I am beginning to realize that I can do little more on my own.

I hope to find the strength (that you have) to do what needs to be done for my family...with whatever consequences/benefits that comes with that discovery. Thanks for all of your insights and support. It means a lot to me.
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Old 08-26-2007, 09:49 PM #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by talia View Post
I actually just sat and looked at the computer screen for a few moments thinking how difficult life is for so many people.... How few know the intimate struggles of our lives and how we get up every day as if it is a new opportunity to win.
What you've said there is so true!
Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to me. I just hope that you're able to work through your situation and that the outcome is great for you and your whole family. It helps to have support. Better to have family or close friends to support you, but often they're just not there for us or they don't understand or we just aren't able to share the really difficult things with anyway. I hope you'll continue to write and let me know how you're getting on there. The important thing is that you're looking for answers and not just allowing the whole situation to overwhelm you. Keep up that positive attitude, (even if other people sometimes think it's denial... it's not). Having a plan and having a positive attitude can really help us through the toughest of times.
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