[Toni S]

This is the first time since my Head/Brain Injurie(S) that I've stepped outside my confort zone & reached out to a support group community for addition help & support. I know I REALLY do NEED to do this but it's sooo NOT an easy thing for me to do. I haven't the slightest clue where to begin with my story much less put it into words that aren't all over the flippin' place. I know what I want to say but to actually sit here and type it all out is sooo hard to do. It litterally drains me & makes me feel like my brain is "short circuting", "shutting down" and "sleepy" when I start putting it all into sentences and words. I get so frustrated & angry because I constantly have to add or erase words to sentences that I'm trying to put out here and it's taking me FOREVER to finish. I'm going to appologize in advance if at any time it goes from making since to mumbo-jumbo!! I often find myself referring to days and events as "the other day" or "a week/month or so ago". I thought, this November (2010) will be 4 yrs since my world/life as I knew it changed until about a month or so ago I was "reminded" by my neurologist about another concussion I sustained 3 or 4 yrs prior and again last summer. Now that I think about it & have read some of the things in this forum, it all really makes alot of since. I remember about 6 or 7 yrs ago the top of my head hit & broke the windshield of the Jeep I was a passenger in while "off roading". All I remember about that is litterally seeing stars, being dased & very confused for while. 4yrs ago I was attacked, the back of my head was bounced off a wall a minimum of 7 or 8 times. The section of the wall where my head hit had 1/4" plaster with Logs directly behind it. True Exposed Logs except that little 2x2 area. I can "finally" remember the 3rd or 4th blow before going unconscious. I woke up a few days later with puke in my hair, throwing up, dizzy, unsteady, confused and not the same. As I try to remember back to that time everything looks black, foggy & still like a jigsaw type puzzle that's been jumbled with half the pieces missing. I know I've made alot of progress since then just not enough. I had a set back with the 3rd time I injured my head last summer when the wheel axel thing of the ATV I was riding (in reverse at the time) snapped. I hit the back of my head on the ground when it pinned me underneath. When I referr to my injury I always referr to the 2nd one. That's when everything in my life personally changed. Before then, I was satisfied & averall pretty happy with life in general. I was (and still am) a Mother to 2 absolutely fenominal children (12 & 15), a wife to an absolutely wonderful man, I was a Police Officer (I have a degree in forensics that's USELESS now), a Licensed Real Estate Broker (owned my own companies), a daughter, a sister (x4), an aunt (x22), always ready, willing & able to do just about anything. I knew who & what I was & what I was about as far as my beliefs & values. Smart, intelliagent, self-assured, confident, LEVEL HEADED etc. My priorities in life where Loving God, myself, my children & husband, family, friends & having fun living the life my husband & I work so hard to build & maintain together at such a young age. I recently about a month ago started (for me) a new type of therapy. It's referred to as qEEG Biofeedback Counseling that specializes in mTBI, PCS & PTSD. I'm really trying so hard to be optimistic and really want & hope it helps me. I know, without a doubt in my at times broken mind..... I need it too. I'm ashamed & scared to say & admit to these things as openly as I'm about to so publicly, for fear of someone confirming my greatest fear of being labled with some type of "humiliating label of psychosis" because I am so angry about this. I'm angry, bitter, sometimes I have feelings of out & out rage inside for what's happened to me & my family. I am so angry & so bitter with/at the man who did this to me. I've never in my entire life ever felt such ugliness inside myself about anyone or anything as I have these past 4 yrs. I don't understand them & I don't like it PERIOD. I personally don't want to physically harm him or see him harmed BUT I DO wish "he could walk in my shoes for 1 month" just to SEE the "consequences" of his actions, and what it's caused. But then it angers me even more to think "he still wouldn't get it"... as to these thoughts & feelings, I want them gone 4 yrs ago...I know, by me continuing to carry these feelings inside is like I'm letting him win, "I get it", but..."it's not going away" & I don't know how to make it go away. I'm mad at myself for letting this stupid brain injury get the best of me & for it not cooperating with what it needs to in order to "go away". I'm also so angry at God for letting it happen, I haven't prayed or even cared to pray since...wow. (I"finally" clearly remember praying to God, while looking straight in that mans eyes & face as he was strangeling me while banging my head in that wall, once I realized my reach simply wasn't long enough to defend myself). It really upsets my family to hear me say that so I really try to avoid the entire topic period & I'm sorry if it offends you I still to this day can't help it. Now I feel like a freak because I'm so scatter brained, (it's taken me hours just to write this). I know I'm flighty & a flake at times. I loose track of time constantly, like days, events, times. My thought process doesn't even feel like my own at times. I forget what I'm talking about or saying mid sentence, I stutter at times, my words will slur at times, sometimes I know what something is but for the life of me can't think of the name or word. I'm unorganized. I feel like I'm lazy, when I start a chore, I don't finish it, I move on to something else, don't finish that either and before I even realize it I have stuff sitting everywhere from unfinished tasks I've started. I'm then so overwhelmed by physically seeing the mess I've created, I don't even know where to begin to clean it up! So what do I do?? I get mad, frustrated, sleepy & cry cause it's all still so overwhelming. When I feel like I'm moving forward & making progress, the slightest mistake or mishap seems to set me back...(2 or 3 steps forward, 6-8 steps backwards). It's humiliating for me but I "just now" 2 days ago applyed for SSI & Disability (over the phone). Suicide, yes, I have absolutely thought about just ending it for all our sanity....then I chicken out. I always seem to think about my kidos, my husband, my dog...(retired K9 partner) & get upset at the thought of who'll find me, what I'll look like & omg...are my underware clean?? (I know that sounds strange but I've worked suicide cases, I've seen the after effects & it's not pretty no matter how you do it). Then the though of my kids, husband & family being left to face, deal & live with my selfish actions & choices....I've thought about it all, guess that's why I'm still around.
I just want my life back the way it was before. I want to go back to work and do what I loved doing. I don't want to be (what I consider myself) a light switch, on and functioning one day (or minute) & off the next. I miss multi-tasking, talking with the TV on, listening to the radio louder than # 3 of 10 volume, having a glass of wine or at least being able to consume 2 beers without falling asleep after 1, hanging with family & friends, being able to carry a conversation with someone without being distracted by noise. I used to LOVE going to the firing range, fishing, going hunting, shopping at Walmart, the mall....talking to people. I miss people in general. I hope to one day be able to enjoy life again. I hope I won't feel so angry & bitter inside, I hope to learn to not be so damn stubborn, quit fighting or better yet trying to "compete" with myself and accept the fact that I really am the same person I was before...just different, not on the outside but inside. We'll see...I'd love to find a support group I could go to in person daily, weekly or something...If anyone know of one I live in Southern Indiana like right by Louisville Kentucky.
Thanks for reading my babbling to blow off steam!
--Toni S

[Toni S]

I just read another post about NEURO PSYCH testing...what is that? what's it involve, what's it tell you or even show? will it help to improve symptoms of mtbi/pcs??

[Mark in Idaho]

Wow, Toni, Do I know what you are talking about. I have had all of these same experiences and emotions. You sound like me a few years back.

After living with mild Post Concussion Syndrome and Multiple Impact Syndrome for 30 years, I hit my head on an overhead beam in 1996. Then, in 1999, I was assaulted and slugged in the back of the head. My wife noticed an immediate personality change. Then, in Jan 2001, I suffered a very minor injury to my head that changed my life for EVER.

The feeling and symptoms you are experiencing are very real and to be expected. They may control your physical body but they do not have to constantly or even frequently control your mind. The path out of the wilderness is not easy but it is worth it.

You have already made an excellent start. And it was not even your doing. You have been fortunate or blessed by God with family that are still standing by you. Many in your condition get kicked to the curb by spouses and family. One of my three children has all but kicked me to the curb. (She has serious PTSD from serving in Iraq, so I do not blame her personally) Count your many blessings. You have already listed them.

First, I'll answer your last question. A neuro-psychological assessment is a battery of tests administered by a psychologist who specializes in neuro-psychology. The battery is designed to measure you brain's functions in a wide range of areas: memory, immediate and short term in visual and auditory areas, cognitive processing speed, motor speed, intelligence in a few different areas, verbal functions, and some other areas. It will usually include some emotional/behavioral assessments.

It is an excellent way to get to know the new you. It will help you accept that you are not going crazy but instead are working with a broken brain. A broken brain does not mean you can not like a full life and bless others around you. You just need to learn about your new ways of expression and relationships.


You mentioned your struggle to write your expose of yourself. Congratulations, you did a good job and expressed yourself very well. It may have taken a long time but as you continue to put your thoughts down on the computer keyboard, you will get better.

I tend to ramble if I talk orally. If I put my thoughts on the computer screen, I can reread them and edit them until I understand what I am saying so hopefully, others will too. I use the computer screen as my short term memory.

You sound like an intelligent person. Concussions often do not do nearly as much damage to intelligence as they do to memory and processing functions. The result is a really bad bottle neck of ideas as they try to get to our mouths or fingers on the keyboard.

Oh, by the way. You will help yourself and many on this forum if you would use paragraph spaces at least once very 5 or 6 lines. It will help us and likely you read through what you have typed. I can not follow from the end of one line to the start of the next line if there are more than 5 or 6 lines in a paragraph. I bet it was part of your struggle typing out your post.

This is one of the many simple tips you will learn that will make your life easier.

Take it easy on yourself. You have suffered a great and traumatic injury.

Over your past, you have gained many great skills and experiences. Now, you have a totally new set of skills to learn. Don't rush it. It will take time. Your brain took years to develop into a mature starting from when you were an infant. The skills you need to live a full life with PCS/mTBI will come slowly too.

You just started learning to talk as a survivor of mTBI. Your post was a great start. Take it slow and let us know about your biggest struggles. There is a wealth of experience on this forum. I bet there is every conceivable symptom represented on this forum.

When you post, try to keep you posts simple. It will be easier on you. Once you get more experience on this forum, you can grow as you learn. Nobody is in a rush. Many of us have such poor awareness of time passing that rushing is of little value.

I have a similar problem as you. I can remember something happened but usually have no idea when it happened. Sequencing and multi-tasking is likely the most frustrating symptom of PCS. But then, the world is in too much of a hurry anyway.

I think I have likely already overwhelmed you.

Hope to hear more from you.

My best to you.

ps, Applying for SSDI is a big step. It takes a strong effort to apply but the process is very worthwhile. Good for you.

Oh yeh, I pasted your big post into MS Word so I could add lots of paragraph spacings. I really wanted to read what you had to say. Glad I did.

[Toni S]

Hi Mark,

No punt intended but "Damn I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one". It's also nice knowing another person with PCS/mTBI has been through, knows & can understand first hand what & how I feel.

For the longest time & sometimes still, I was so afraid my biggest fear just may have actually became a reality for me. I really thought & believed I was "loosing my mind".

Even though it's been almost 4 yrs, I'm really "just getting started" with educating myself on ways to "simplify things in my life". I'm sure I'll continue the insanity of going in circles for a while until I get used to & learn how not to but..."it is what it is" thought right??

The hardest part for me is acknowledging, surrendering & accepting. I've always been just as stubborn as a fighten mule about everything....guess that parts not changed, I suppose!!

Oh and hey, thanks a million for the feedback about the spaces & paragraphing!!! Hell, no wander it took me all damn day to write my post!!! My poor eye balls kept bouncing all over the place like 2 little ping-pong balls!!! ... Much better!!

Yesterday I felt like I was just out & out angry period. At any & everyone I felt like being angry at, wether they deserved it or not....maybe it's a good thing I was home alone until about 8pm!!!

Today I was exhausted for being so mad all day yesterday.....Lol, "that's what my angry-*** gets"!!! I did manage to "actually complete" a couple chores today though!!

Tomorrows another day....

--Toni

[Mark in Idaho]

Toni,

You might want to get a book by a blind soldier who lost his eye sight in Iraq. He is the first blind soldier to keep his command after becoming blind.

It sounds like he may have some good insights into dealing with the new person after injury. His name is Capt Scott Smiley Here is a link to his book on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Hope-Unseen-St...5560406&sr=1-1

My wife saw him interviewed and was impressed by him.

Now, just as you now have a new skill to help you put your thoughts down on the computer, you will have many more skills to learn now that you are ready to train the new you. ?? Does that make sense??

I have tricks for those idiotic call directors and many more mundane ADLs (Activities of Daily Living)

I get a lot done for someone with memory functions in the bottom 5 to 12% level of the US population. I have learned to not bang my head against the wall trying to do the impossible (at least for my brain).

[vini]

Originally Posted by Toni S

This is the first time since my Head/Brain Injurie(S) that I've stepped outside my confort zone & reached out to a support group community for addition help & support. I know I REALLY do NEED to do this but it's sooo NOT an easy thing for me to do. I haven't the slightest clue where to begin with my story much less put it into words that aren't all over the flippin' place. I know what I want to say but to actually sit here and type it all out is sooo hard to do. It litterally drains me & makes me feel like my brain is "short circuting", "shutting down" and "sleepy" when I start putting it all into sentences and words. I get so frustrated & angry because I constantly have to add or erase words to sentences that I'm trying to put out here and it's taking me FOREVER to finish. I'm going to appologize in advance if at any time it goes from making since to mumbo-jumbo!! I often find myself referring to days and events as "the other day" or "a week/month or so ago". I thought, this November (2010) will be 4 yrs since my world/life as I knew it changed until about a month or so ago I was "reminded" by my neurologist about another concussion I sustained 3 or 4 yrs prior and again last summer. Now that I think about it & have read some of the things in this forum, it all really makes alot of since. I remember about 6 or 7 yrs ago the top of my head hit & broke the windshield of the Jeep I was a passenger in while "off roading". All I remember about that is litterally seeing stars, being dased & very confused for while. 4yrs ago I was attacked, the back of my head was bounced off a wall a minimum of 7 or 8 times. The section of the wall where my head hit had 1/4" plaster with Logs directly behind it. True Exposed Logs except that little 2x2 area. I can "finally" remember the 3rd or 4th blow before going unconscious. I woke up a few days later with puke in my hair, throwing up, dizzy, unsteady, confused and not the same. As I try to remember back to that time everything looks black, foggy & still like a jigsaw type puzzle that's been jumbled with half the pieces missing. I know I've made alot of progress since then just not enough. I had a set back with the 3rd time I injured my head last summer when the wheel axel thing of the ATV I was riding (in reverse at the time) snapped. I hit the back of my head on the ground when it pinned me underneath. When I referr to my injury I always referr to the 2nd one. That's when everything in my life personally changed. Before then, I was satisfied & averall pretty happy with life in general. I was (and still am) a Mother to 2 absolutely fenominal children (12 & 15), a wife to an absolutely wonderful man, I was a Police Officer (I have a degree in forensics that's USELESS now), a Licensed Real Estate Broker (owned my own companies), a daughter, a sister (x4), an aunt (x22), always ready, willing & able to do just about anything. I knew who & what I was & what I was about as far as my beliefs & values. Smart, intelliagent, self-assured, confident, LEVEL HEADED etc. My priorities in life where Loving God, myself, my children & husband, family, friends & having fun living the life my husband & I work so hard to build & maintain together at such a young age. I recently about a month ago started (for me) a new type of therapy. It's referred to as qEEG Biofeedback Counseling that specializes in mTBI, PCS & PTSD. I'm really trying so hard to be optimistic and really want & hope it helps me. I know, without a doubt in my at times broken mind..... I need it too. I'm ashamed & scared to say & admit to these things as openly as I'm about to so publicly, for fear of someone confirming my greatest fear of being labled with some type of "humiliating label of psychosis" because I am so angry about this. I'm angry, bitter, sometimes I have feelings of out & out rage inside for what's happened to me & my family. I am so angry & so bitter with/at the man who did this to me. I've never in my entire life ever felt such ugliness inside myself about anyone or anything as I have these past 4 yrs. I don't understand them & I don't like it PERIOD. I personally don't want to physically harm him or see him harmed BUT I DO wish "he could walk in my shoes for 1 month" just to SEE the "consequences" of his actions, and what it's caused. But then it angers me even more to think "he still wouldn't get it"... as to these thoughts & feelings, I want them gone 4 yrs ago...I know, by me continuing to carry these feelings inside is like I'm letting him win, "I get it", but..."it's not going away" & I don't know how to make it go away. I'm mad at myself for letting this stupid brain injury get the best of me & for it not cooperating with what it needs to in order to "go away". I'm also so angry at God for letting it happen, I haven't prayed or even cared to pray since...wow. (I"finally" clearly remember praying to God, while looking straight in that mans eyes & face as he was strangeling me while banging my head in that wall, once I realized my reach simply wasn't long enough to defend myself). It really upsets my family to hear me say that so I really try to avoid the entire topic period & I'm sorry if it offends you I still to this day can't help it. Now I feel like a freak because I'm so scatter brained, (it's taken me hours just to write this). I know I'm flighty & a flake at times. I loose track of time constantly, like days, events, times. My thought process doesn't even feel like my own at times. I forget what I'm talking about or saying mid sentence, I stutter at times, my words will slur at times, sometimes I know what something is but for the life of me can't think of the name or word. I'm unorganized. I feel like I'm lazy, when I start a chore, I don't finish it, I move on to something else, don't finish that either and before I even realize it I have stuff sitting everywhere from unfinished tasks I've started. I'm then so overwhelmed by physically seeing the mess I've created, I don't even know where to begin to clean it up! So what do I do?? I get mad, frustrated, sleepy & cry cause it's all still so overwhelming. When I feel like I'm moving forward & making progress, the slightest mistake or mishap seems to set me back...(2 or 3 steps forward, 6-8 steps backwards). It's humiliating for me but I "just now" 2 days ago applyed for SSI & Disability (over the phone). Suicide, yes, I have absolutely thought about just ending it for all our sanity....then I chicken out. I always seem to think about my kidos, my husband, my dog...(retired K9 partner) & get upset at the thought of who'll find me, what I'll look like & omg...are my underware clean?? (I know that sounds strange but I've worked suicide cases, I've seen the after effects & it's not pretty no matter how you do it). Then the though of my kids, husband & family being left to face, deal & live with my selfish actions & choices....I've thought about it all, guess that's why I'm still around.
I just want my life back the way it was before. I want to go back to work and do what I loved doing. I don't want to be (what I consider myself) a light switch, on and functioning one day (or minute) & off the next. I miss multi-tasking, talking with the TV on, listening to the radio louder than # 3 of 10 volume, having a glass of wine or at least being able to consume 2 beers without falling asleep after 1, hanging with family & friends, being able to carry a conversation with someone without being distracted by noise. I used to LOVE going to the firing range, fishing, going hunting, shopping at Walmart, the mall....talking to people. I miss people in general. I hope to one day be able to enjoy life again. I hope I won't feel so angry & bitter inside, I hope to learn to not be so damn stubborn, quit fighting or better yet trying to "compete" with myself and accept the fact that I really am the same person I was before...just different, not on the outside but inside. We'll see...I'd love to find a support group I could go to in person daily, weekly or something...If anyone know of one I live in Southern Indiana like right by Louisville Kentucky.
Thanks for reading my babbling to blow off steam!
--Toni S

please try to break your posts up into spaced paragraphs as many of us have to reread to understand and loss our place , not a criticism but a work around we have


I can relate very much to your situation as I am a victim of crime and have a family thats has also been effected

I am angry

I feel wronged

I feel frusrated

I feel let down

I feel guilty

I don,t feel myself

I feel pain

I feel bitter

I will overcome all of the above

I will do this for my family

I will do this for myself

I will get justice

I will not let them win

I will except the new me

I will be happy

this mantra helps me,but dos not change my situation , there are local to you, some support groups on the sticky at the top of the page

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Toni S

Hi Mark,

No punt intended but "Damn I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one". It's also nice knowing another person with PCS/mTBI has been through, knows & can understand first hand what & how I feel.

For the longest time & sometimes still, I was so afraid my biggest fear just may have actually became a reality for me. I really thought & believed I was "loosing my mind".

Even though it's been almost 4 yrs, I'm really "just getting started" with educating myself on ways to "simplify things in my life". I'm sure I'll continue the insanity of going in circles for a while until I get used to & learn how not to but..."it is what it is" thought right??

The hardest part for me is acknowledging, surrendering & accepting. I've always been just as stubborn as a fighten mule about everything....guess that parts not changed, I suppose!!

Oh and hey, thanks a million for the feedback about the spaces & paragraphing!!! Hell, no wander it took me all damn day to write my post!!! My poor eye balls kept bouncing all over the place like 2 little ping-pong balls!!! ... Much better!!

Yesterday I felt like I was just out & out angry period. At any & everyone I felt like being angry at, wether they deserved it or not....maybe it's a good thing I was home alone until about 8pm!!!

Today I was exhausted for being so mad all day yesterday.....Lol, "that's what my angry-*** gets"!!! I did manage to "actually complete" a couple chores today though!!

Tomorrows another day....

--Toni

Hi Toni,

I couldn't make it through your initial post ~ sorry. I definitely agree with paragraphing or spaces every few sentences. Much easier to read ~ and write.

The challenge for me was acceptance. I really did not want to accept the reality of permanent effects of my brain injury. The more I tried to fight the reality, the harder I struggled to just make it through each day. Accepting reality isn't an overnight process, particularly with less-obvious "mild TBI". Engulfing myself in professional papers and news reports didn't help much either.

It was just a slow emotional process that I had to go through myself. I can read those papers and books about TBI and PCS more easily now. (My brain surgery was 3/06 and TBI was 3/07) Yep, I suffered all of the side effects for a while. The difficulty with memory is universal and incredibly frustrating for almost all of us.

We do get to a point of acceptance of the difficulties though, which makes life a lot easier. I do, however, still have moments of major frustration. They are less intense now though, and I come back to the present moment more quickly.

With my acceptance came more ease in telling people to slow down, when they're talking to me. Or ask them to put things in different words. I ask for a couple of minutes to let my brain work when my mind is blank. The blankness is a warning to me that i need to slow down.

Just getting to know these aspects of how my brain works and accepting it has made life more comfortable for me. Hope that all makes sense to you.

I wish you the best!
Shez