[mbrook]

I have been dealing with Post Concussive Syndrome, Post Traumatic stress syndrome and now agoraphobia. But the lonelyness is the darkest part. Knowing that I cant go back to my job, knowing that I cant pay my bills, and live my life the way I did before. The harder I try to hold on to what makes me me the more I reolize that I am lost forever. I will never be the same. I will never enjoy life the way I did before. I cant even manage my own time and money without messing it up.
For the first time in my adult life I am a burden. I am on assistance and my aunt is going to move me out of state. I know it is because she loves me and it's for my own good, but I feel like I have no control over my life.
And I have no control over myself. My dr says I'm depressed and I'm on meds for it. But to be honest I just wish I was dead and think about it a lot lately. There is just no more joy or happyness left in life so I don't really see the point any more. Is this normal for a TBI?

[Mark in Idaho]

mbrook,

I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I have been through all of the same thoughts. It can seem to be very lonely when you think you are stuck in your own failing mind.

The problem with this is simple. It is not true. When we were independent and self supporting, we developed the idea that we did not need to rely on others. Very few people have ever been able to live life without relying on others. In one way or the other, we all rely on others.

We rely upon the postal worker to deliver our mail. We do not choose when the mail is in the mail box. We rely on the farmer to grow our food. We have to wait for the seasons to provide the farmer the proper weather to grow crops. The difference is we have become accustomed to letting these other people provide for our needs on their schedule.

We are not even close to being self-reliant. Then, we have a head injury. Now it is time to let others help us. If we will accept their help, many are more than willing to help.

The load they can share with us enables us to start to sort out our lives to see what we can contribute. Taking the position that it is our right to decide what our contribution will be is selfishness and pride.

Now, we have an opportunity to find new ways to contribute. At first, they may seem trite or even worthless. Believe me, there are characteristics of PCS than enable us to offer our contribution in ways that others can not.

As we slow down the speed and intensity of our daily lives, we can start to smell the flowers. We can connect with others who need a slower pace to life. Will the change be easy? Definitely not at first. But as time goes on and we discover things about ourselves, the task ahead gets easier.

I used to be a fire hose as I talked to others. Now, I need to pace my communication because it can get way ahead of my thoughts. I have to prepare my thoughts better. This helps others understand me much better.

My patience with the young or others with disability like struggles has increased immensely. I know others with TBI/mTBI/PCS who have changed in the same ways. When I see an elderly person struggling to drive, I understand her/his struggles. They are not being stubborn by driving slow. They are likely driving faster than they feel comfortable. Been there, done that.

We need more people in this world who are willing to slow down and be patient. Maybe, those of us with PCS can be an example.

You may need to mourn the loss of the old you before you can welcome the new you. If you are constantly focusing on your limitations, you will never notice your new skills.

There are many ways of doing the needed tasks of live. You just need to learn some new ways. The needed work-arounds and accommodations do not necessarily limit you to a lesser life. They do lead you to a new experience in life.

I can spend an hour or two helping a severely TBI'd friend learn about his computer. Fifteen years ago, I did not have anything close to the patience needed.

It is no longer about how much you can get done in a day. It is about how you use the time of each day. I may sleep four hours during the day and feel guilty for being lazy. Then, my rested mind will function so I can help a friend or not be impatient with others.

Give yourself permission to not do everything. Then, pick the tasks that you will try to do. Your endurance will take time. Every time you overdo it, hopefully, you will learn to go easier the next time.

My biggest struggle is watching others behave the way I used to. I feel guilty when I see the negative impact the other person's actions have on people around him. I realize that I must have left a wake of turbulence behind me in the past. I know that I still make waves, but am glad I am more aware of it sometimes.

So, try to find something that you do differently now but in a better way. It may take time to see this, but you eventually will.

My best to you as you struggle to accept the new you.

[preasure6492]

I do not have any information medically, but I have struggled before with depression, and my fiance has alot of medical issues where she can not leave the bed for anything other than to go to the bathroom because her head hurts so bad.
Remember this simple thing. God only gives you enough grace for the day. You can make it through the day one day at a time. Everything happens for a reason. You can take what is going on and sulk about it or take it by the horns and make the best of it. I sincerly am sorry for what is happening in your life, but realize you need to push yourself to make it through each day and make it the best. Your attitude is so important because if you have a negative one you will get similar results. Positive attitudes may not make everything bad go away but it leaves possibilities for improvements and also makes each day much easier.
Everything happens for a reason, do not sit and try to figgure out why or ask why me, just be happy with what you have and know it could be worse.

God Bless!
chris

[July63]

Originally Posted by mbrook

I have been dealing with Post Concussive Syndrome, Post Traumatic stress syndrome and now agoraphobia. But the lonelyness is the darkest part. Knowing that I cant go back to my job, knowing that I cant pay my bills, and live my life the way I did before. The harder I try to hold on to what makes me me the more I reolize that I am lost forever. I will never be the same. I will never enjoy life the way I did before. I cant even manage my own time and money without messing it up.
For the first time in my adult life I am a burden. I am on assistance and my aunt is going to move me out of state. I know it is because she loves me and it's for my own good, but I feel like I have no control over my life.
And I have no control over myself. My dr says I'm depressed and I'm on meds for it. But to be honest I just wish I was dead and think about it a lot lately. There is just no more joy or happyness left in life so I don't really see the point any more. Is this normal for a TBI?

You think like me.

[Alffe]

Originally Posted by mbrook

I have been dealing with Post Concussive Syndrome, Post Traumatic stress syndrome and now agoraphobia. But the lonelyness is the darkest part. Knowing that I cant go back to my job, knowing that I cant pay my bills, and live my life the way I did before. The harder I try to hold on to what makes me me the more I reolize that I am lost forever. I will never be the same. I will never enjoy life the way I did before. I cant even manage my own time and money without messing it up.
For the first time in my adult life I am a burden. I am on assistance and my aunt is going to move me out of state. I know it is because she loves me and it's for my own good, but I feel like I have no control over my life.
And I have no control over myself. My dr says I'm depressed and I'm on meds for it. But to be honest I just wish I was dead and think about it a lot lately. There is just no more joy or happyness left in life so I don't really see the point any more. Is this normal for a TBI?

The title of your post says it all mbrook. You are grieving and that in it's self is a very long hard journey to acceptance. It doesn't really make any difference what we have lost...jobs we loved, limbs, children, parents.
Grief is like a vast wilderness and we can get lost in it, stuck in it. It's important to remember that you aren't alone in it...sometimes it's hard to feel His presence but know that He is there...and so are a lot of us that care about you.

And Mark....WOW! What a great post!

July,,,I'm still smiling at Chloe