[Nik-key]

I did have a couple of epiphanies these past couple of weeks.
Pain can lead you to the damnedest places.....


1) I of course can’t help but think about what the doctors have told me is in store for Lynn. It is so very hard. I came to understand, a deep sense of just knowing.. worrying about it, letting it consume me, will not change the outcome. It is going to happen,….I can’t stop it! Only a fool would waste their life, their today’s overwhelmed in the grief that is to come. My daddy didn’t raise no fool!

Lynn was so unhappy these past years, Alzheimer’s had turned him into a
virtual stranger. Someone who was angry, full of rage and aggression.
It was devastating to say the least. The medication Lynn is now on has been a miracle for Lynn. It has calmed down the aggressive part of Alzheimer’s and given me back a part of Lynn I thought surely to never see again.

It can’t of course restore or give me back all the thing Alzheimer’s has robbed us of. (there is that touch of grey in the silver lining)
But, I am so thankful, grateful for what I have been given. It is such a joy to see him so happy again! To be told daily I am loved once more. In that I am so happy I could bust!! I am going to keep digging deep within myself, for those traits my Dad loved so much about me. I am striving to - every single day - make the most of the gift I have been given …..and enjoy this precious time with Lynn.


2) I had another dream. I can’t believe I am sharing it, but of all the people I ‘know” I trust you all the most. Again, in this dream, I was with my dad. It was so incredibly real! I woke gasping for breath, trembling, I swear I could still smell his scent, feel his touch. I know I desperately needed to “be” with him ..… I do not care if my Dad really did “ come to me” or if it was just a mind gone mad with grief. I was deeply moved and I will never forget the experience.

A couple of thing I wanted to share that I took away from the experience, is a better understanding of the whys he could take his life. It isn’t as if a whole conversation is engrained in my memory, I wish it could be- but that isn’t how it worked. I remember key things, a sense of meanings. Not sure that makes sense to anyone but me. The first was an overpowering sense that he was finally at peace. How could I wish anything
other than that for the man I loved so dearly?

The second was an understanding, that he just couldn’t let me, and all who love him, watch him waste away in a slow painful death. I had known this of course, as he had always said he wouldn’t let us watch him die the way he had to watch his brother. But what was unique, and intense - was the sensation of how much he felt leaving us quickly, was the only way he could leave us at all. Almost like it was a desperate attempt to not only save us, but himself.

I will never know which grief is worse, him dying the way he did….or watching him waste away with years of pain and unrelenting suffering. I know I would have selfishly picked the later , but it wasn’t my choice after all. My sense was he thought fast and quick would make the grief not last as long. It took 3 years after we were told nothing more could be done, for my uncle to die. In 3 years, will my grief have subsided to a dull roar? I don’t know.

All I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is he felt this would be easier. I have decided to truly and fully forgive him, I am going to remember the man who loved me, I know he would never wish to hurt me. In fact all his life, tried to protect me. That is how I am going to survive this. With the knowledge and comfort of knowing I was truly loved...That I love my Dad enough to try to accept and even honor his last choice.
He deserves no less. My Dad… My Hero.

[Alffe]

He has to just be bursting with pride over you Nikki.

[Nik-key]

This is a song that has been playing in my mind since the day Dad left me....
we played it at his service as well....

The Dance.........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0qwc...eature=related

This part just says it all to me..............

For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known -that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go ....
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain -
But I'd of had to miss the dance


Thanks for letting me share this with you

[Spanish Moss]

Nikki....your words moved me....

I worked in an Alzheimer's unit for 10 years and watched many families go through your struggle...a grief that is renewed with each visit and with each decline. BUT...how the struggle makes the joy of those words...I love you...and the smile...so much more precious! I am so glad that you hae been given this gift and that you are wise to recognize the gift for what it is.

Regarding your dream....I am glad that you "felt" your dad's visit and know that he is OK. I am proud of your decision to forgive and to try to understand his choice, even though it would not have been yours for him.
This also...a gift.

[Nik-key]

Moi is right (don't tell him, keep his ego in check)
You truly are a special lady. I was raw, and felt exposed in writing about my Dad... but I also had a need to. Your reply made me cry, but in a good way Thank you

To work in an Alzheimer's unit, you must have great compassion and strength!
The pain is deep, but yes.. words alone can not express who deeply grateful I am to have this small piece of Lynn back. As you said, the struggle , the fight I fought for him-us, HAS made this gift so much more precious

[Abbie]

Nik-key,

Oh my dear sweet lady... your words brought me to tears... I could picture every detail of your dream.

I am sure you dad is bursting with pride on the other side...

Thank you for sharing... you words have helped me to remember that there are things in my life that I need to make right, to forgive, and to heal. For if I don't handle these things now, I may never get the chance.


Abbie

[who moi]

nik, isn't da wife awesome?

I can't say any better than what anyone has said above me...

I can offer you some hugs...

and I can tell you that I have a hearing problem with my eyes...

[Twinkletoes]

Nikki, what a nice and comforting dream. Such a gift.

So glad you are able to offer your complete forgiveness. What a lovely experience -- thank you for sharing it with us.

[Nik-key]

You all had me crying, but again in a good way... is a nice change
I miss him desperately, I am sure I always will. But, it has been healing in its own right to finally forgive him. Next I work on forgiving me. It is going to be a long journey, these past 5 months have been extreme.. perhaps now it will still hurt greatly, but through the forgiving, I will also be able to speak his name and smile. I know he loved me, in that knowledge I will find the strength to survive.

I am going out on a picnic with Lynn today, not wasting one single day God has given us. NOT ONE!

You all have been the life saver I needed to keep my head above the waters. I can't thank you enough, or express how much you have come to mean to me.

[Spanish Moss]

Nikki - you have again warmed my heart.

I will smile today as I picture you and Lynn haveing a picnic and treasuring your moments together.

Ah...that we would all treasure our moments each day. Too often we realize the gift only after it is gone....

Thank you for that reminder.