[Nik-key]

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it here.... but I am a "trained support
counsel" for the Trigeminal Neuralgia Association. I handle calls from
people whose lives have been effected by the devastating pain of TN.
I also use to lead a support group, but had to give that up when Lynn's
Alzheimer's required 24 hour care.

Part of my training........ how to handle suicide calls. I have handled
these in the past. I have received letters from people telling me I saved
their lives. Nothing has humbled me more.

When I was diagnosed, I truly did not want to live. The pain is that severe.
I have changed greatly due to living in this type of pain. It was a long
painful journey to become the person I am today. I learned to not let
the pain beat me, I learned to accept it and even embrace it. I learned
to not only live with it, but to thrive and enjoy life, despite it. Today,
I would even go so far as to say I am thankful... not for the pain...
but for the journey the pain brought me.

THAT is the reason I chose years ago to help others who are where I once
was. I wanted to help lift them up, give them hope... let them know they
could survive. I take great pride in the "work" I do.

Today................................. I received my first suicide call since my
Dad took his life. I am still shaking!!! SOMEHOW I was able to hold myself
together during the call. I did get choked up, but that is nothing new...
even before- I found these calls very emotional. I'm not sure how, but
I was able to focus on their pain...... share my journey with TN.. and guide
them and give them hope. All the while inside just dying a bit more.

Though I was able to focus on them.... I found myself biting my
tongue until it bled, biting back the words I feel about my own Dad's
choice. This is NOT what one should be thinking, while trying to support
another in crisis.

I threw up after we hung up, and have done so many times since. This
is leading me to believe perhaps I should resign. As much I truly do want
to help others, I fear this is too much for me to handle at this time. It
saddens me, as I somehow came to think of helping others as a "justification"
for my having this disease. I gained just as much as I gave, in helping others.
But................

[Jomar]

Maybe you just need to take a break from it.
Or could you pass those kinds of calls on to another person for awhile??

[Abbie]

((((((((((Nikki))))))))))

I agree with Jo...
Maybe just take a leave of absence for a while. Maybe someone else can take over for a while.

Helping others is a great way to help ourselves but it is ok to step away for a while -- or as long as you need.

Nikki... I am proud of you for helping this person today. It took great strength to do what you did!!! I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to this person in need. BLESS YOU!!!

Remember... you may only be one person in this world... but I bet right now... you are the world to one person!!!!


Abbie

[Twinkletoes]

Awwww, Nikki, I'm so sorry. How brave of you to even start up the counseling again, after all you've been through. My goodness, you've already got a full-time job looking after your dear husband.

I wasn't her full-time caregiver, but my Mom had Alzheimer's. I know that even on a good day, it is so trying to repeat yourself again and again, and wear that smiley face to keep their spirits up. And to be gentle and kind when you're just a degree or so from a complete meltdown.

It's particularly hard when a person who is closest to us is afflicted. They are the one we would normally turn to in times of difficulty, and now they are simply "unavailable." And we are left to carry our burdens without the reassurance and comfort they would have provided in the past.

I don't have an answer for you, dear Nikky. But my heart goes out to you and Lynn. Maybe volunteer for something less emotionally traumatic as a way to continue to "give."

[Nik-key]

Thank you all

Jo, I wouldn't be able to pass the call onto someone else...
as when they call they are in desperate need. The very last
thing you want to do is transfer them. But, maybe I will think
about taking a break instead of resigning as you and Abbie suggested.

Abbie... you DO have a way with words. You have this
way of reaching deep inside of me and drawing out the good.

((Twink)) *sigh... I remember you telling me about your mom
It is so hard isn't it. As with most things in this life, only one who
has experienced it, can fully understand the impact. I know you
do.

As for the counseling, I have been doing it right along.
Now that I don't do the support group it is all by phone or email.
Even after Lynn's diagnoses and Dad's death I never thought of
giving it up.

Maybe I will take a few days to ponder this. One part of me says..
I only have so much to give and that perhaps I am too biased now
to take on these calls.

But another part of me..that Abbie brough to the surface again...
Is the very reason I started this in the first place -
what if I could save someone?? How can I NOT do that?! Wouldn't
my Dad's choice make me an even better councilor for these calls?

Something to think about......

[Twinkletoes]

Nikki, you are so brave to reconsider this. Yes, DO sleep on it for a couple of days.

And it doesn't have to be right now that you return to volunteering. It can be sometime in the future. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, dear Nikki.

Remembering you and Lynn in my prayers.

[Alffe]

(((Nikki))) Please dear lady, you take care of your fragile self.

[Doody]

(((Nik))) I think you should take a break for awhile. Mine wasn't the same situation, but I trained and then worked for the shelter here for battered women and their families. It was very difficult, having been terribly abused physically, emotionally and verbally by my ex (and only) husband. I had to give it up for my own health and well being.

What you have been through is tremendous. I don't think at all that you would be giving up helping others. We all know what a supportive and loving person you are.

You do go ahead and give it a few days. I just worry about your own emotional and physical health trying to help these people after what you've been through.

Much love.

[mistiis]

...sweet Nikki....I'm afraid I must agree with Alffe, you are an amazing person, but there is a point where if you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to take care of anyone else anymore. Maybe just take a break for a short while. You have so much on your plate, that I worry sometimes. In the long run I know you will do what you think is best. And I will be here to support you whatever you decide.

[Alffe]

Nikki I'd be most interested in the trainning you received to be a support counselor. Did you go to classes...is there a manual? There's a reason for my "nosines". *grin

There was no support group for survivors here when Michael killed himself 18 yrs ago...there is one now, but no one comes. I attended another one last night and there were only two of us there again...the moderator and myself. She is retiring in March and thinks I should take it over. I have been told by another professional that it should be a team effort..the mod. having a degree in grief counseling at the very least. She is sending me the instruction manual.

The group had been umbrellaed under Hospice...and that's where the meetings are held but there is some question about Hospice wanting to continue doing this...The Suicide Prevention counsel is considering taking it over if there is any interest in the community. I received my survey in the mail yesterday...and will be anxious to see the response.

Needless to say I am passionate about having one but my only qualifications are being a survivor.

I don't know if any of the above made sense...haven't had my coffee yet!