[hippiechick]

I don't know what's wrong with me....okay, yeah, I'm good at giving the pep talks...not so good at listening to myself, I guess. I HATE this season...everything about it. I'm crying almost non-stop lately and I don't like it because usually I can hold it all in; it's just that right now, for some reason, I can't seem to. I hate the whole "family" thing....I'm looking backwards over life rather than forward because I don't see anything in front of me. I mean, the past wasn't great, but I just wish for a couple of things and 1 person; how simple is that??? There's just too much to think about and I try my best to not think. Hubby and I went to his big family dinner for Thanksgiving and that day was ok; I didn't go out of the house for the rest of the weekend. Yesterday I started taking meds which make me sleep just so I don't have to think anymore. I just think that it'll maybe be better if I can hang on until the middle of January and then all this family junk can be behind me. Why can't I just get on with things and cherish this time that I have rather than waste it like this? I mean, I know it isn't fair to hubby and that makes me sad because he deserves the world. Our son and dil have very little communication with us, for some reason. They keep our grandkids away and that has, more than once, torn my heart out. I don't let myself get close to them anymore. I love them to death, but I won't get close. I love our son but don't understand anything anymore....I can't even write anymore because this probably isn't making any sense and I can't stop crying. Sorry to be such a downer tonight.

[Twinkletoes]

I'm so sorry, hippiechick. Just thought I'd leave you some hugs. Hope things get better for you.

[who moi]

dear hip chick,

there is nothing wrong with you...

I think you are speaking for a lot of folks that might feel what you are feeling...

the holidays are supposed to be fun and festive and to bring us all together...

somehow, along the way, the true meanings behind it have become lost and then it has became an "excuse" for folks to not to be somewhere...

sometimes, those excuses could be legitimate, such as pains or emergencies...

what I've learned throughout the years is that communication is always the key...there always seems to be some sort of misunderstanding that always seem to escalate especially around the holidays or people using the holidays as "revenge time" so they can get back at the ones they love that they may felt have wronged them...

I know it might be hard to open up and talk about your feelings, but perhaps that IS what you might need to do get the "ghost" out and discuss that elephant/gorilla in the room...

you deserve to enjoy this holiday especially with all that you are going through...and your hubby as well...and it is OK to have your walls and your fears....

you have family in us...

if you don't feel up to talking or discussing it out with your family, please know that it is your right to do so...

if you DO feel up to discussing it out with your family, that may have unexpected results than you might anticipate...
either way, I hope you will be able to find some peace...

and please don't ever forget that we are here for you and that we wish you nothing but painfree and happiness...

I am so tired tonight and I am rambling, I may not be making any sense..I hope I had not offended you...

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

[FeelinGoofy]

[Jomar]

Sorry you are feeling in the dumps...

All I can say right now, is love and appreciate your husband and show that love to him.
Enjoy each other and forget about the "holiday" productions & issues".

[Nik-key]

((hippiechick)) You always make perfect sense to me I think with all you are facing in your future, looking upon your past is only natural. The good ol' days... it is a gift to be able to look back, cherish and remember. I think the key is that while doing so, we don't forget to live in the here and now. I'm guilty of doing that now too. Again I think it is a natural reaction.

I am glad you posted tonight This holiday season is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I was so bummed over Thanksgiving, that I didn't even have to say anything, my family could clearly see what I wasn't putting a voice to. We skipped the big family gathering, but we had dinner here for the kids sake. I made it, but it is odd, I STILL feel like I have the worst hangover. I can only assume it is emotion overload.

Now Christmas, has always been "my" holiday. I am one of those obnoxious people who decorate their whole yard, trees in every room, decorations galore. I flourished and glowed, it has always been truly magical to me.

Dad, now he hated all holidays, and Christmas was the worst. I never completely understood how that could be. I knew he lost his mom the day before Thanksgiving, I knew he was watching his brother die through Christmas, and I knew he died on New Years day............

Though I knew his pain was great, I didn't fully understand how the loss of those loved ones, could take all the happiness out of the holidays. He did still have so many who loved him, and whom he loved. I never understood how he couldn't miss them, but still treasure the season with all of us.

Now, now I do. The magic, it all gone now. I have lost others I loved, but none as close as Dad. I know many daughters are closer to their moms, but me, I was Daddy's little girl through and through. I have never lived more than 20 mins from him. He was simply everything to me. So, it only make sense that all the magic I have always felt, died with him. He has been a part of every single holiday I have ever had, HE was part of that magic. I am aware enough of my emotions to know the way he died plays a huge roll in this.

So ((Hippiechick)) I think you make perfect sense! I too wish to skip over the whole damn season. BAH HUMBUG !!!! I haven't cried since Thanksgiving morning. Not even when we went to get a tree........ I can only assume I can't cry, because I am going through another one of my "numb" periods.

I wish I had some words of wisdom regarding your son and grandchildren, but I have never had to deal with anything like this. I guess the best advice I could give is to always speak with your heart. I am so sorry you are in so much pain right now, if it helps at all.... you DO have family right here who care greatly. Big cyber ((HUGS)) and much love my friend Nikki

[ConsiderThis]

Originally Posted by hippiechick

I don't know what's wrong with me....okay, yeah, I'm good at giving the pep talks...not so good at listening to myself, I guess. I HATE this season...everything about it. I'm crying almost non-stop lately and I don't like it because usually I can hold it all in; it's just that right now, for some reason, I can't seem to. I hate the whole "family" thing....I'm looking ackwards over life rather than forward because I don't see anything in front of me. I mean, the past wasn't great, but I just wish for a couple of things and 1 person; how simple is that??? There's just too much to think about and I try my best to not think. Hubby and I went to his big family dinner for Thanksgiving and that day was ok; I didn't go out of the house for the rest of the weekend. Yesterday I started taking meds which make me sleep just so I don't have to think anymore. I just think that it'll maybe be better if I can hang on until the middle of January and then all this family junk can be behind me. Why can't I just get on with things and cherish this time that I have rather than waste it like this? I mean, I know it isn't fair to hubby and that makes me sad because he deserves the world. Our son and dil have very little communication with us, for some reason. They keep our grandkids away and that has, more than once, torn my heart out. I don't let myself get close to them anymore. I love them to death, but I won't get close. I love out son but don't understand anything anymore....I can't even write anymore because this probably isn't making any sense and I can't stop crying. Sorry to be such a downer tonight.

There are so many things that can come together to get us down.

But, sometimes our bodies are worn out in certain ways and that makes us feel depressed. If you have ridges on your fingernails or are losing your moons you may be feeling down because you are low on vitamin B12.

B12 gets used up quickly by stress. So if you're sad about not seeing your grandkids, that could be stressful enough to deplete your B12. Lots of things can be stressful, and it's not the same for everyone.

If you do have ridges or have lost your moons, take a look at a list of symptoms of low B12 and see if any are familiar. It's easy to get Methylcobalamin and replenish your body's supplies. I use the 5mg lozenges now, rather than B12 shots because it is so soooooooooo much nicer than the inch and a half long B12 needles.

(((((((((Hippiechick))))))))))))

[Brokenfriend]

Originally Posted by hippiechick

I don't know what's wrong with me....okay, yeah, I'm good at giving the pep talks...not so good at listening to myself, I guess. I HATE this season...everything about it. I'm crying almost non-stop lately and I don't like it because usually I can hold it all in; it's just that right now, for some reason, I can't seem to. I hate the whole "family" thing....I'm looking ackwards over life rather than forward because I don't see anything in front of me. I mean, the past wasn't great, but I just wish for a couple of things and 1 person; how simple is that??? There's just too much to think about and I try my best to not think. Hubby and I went to his big family dinner for Thanksgiving and that day was ok; I didn't go out of the house for the rest of the weekend. Yesterday I started taking meds which make me sleep just so I don't have to think anymore. I just think that it'll maybe be better if I can hang on until the middle of January and then all this family junk can be behind me. Why can't I just get on with things and cherish this time that I have rather than waste it like this? I mean, I know it isn't fair to hubby and that makes me sad because he deserves the world. Our son and dil have very little communication with us, for some reason. They keep our grandkids away and that has, more than once, torn my heart out. I don't let myself get close to them anymore. I love them to death, but I won't get close. I love out son but don't understand anything anymore....I can't even write anymore because this probably isn't making any sense and I can't stop crying. Sorry to be such a downer tonight.

I understand allot of what you are going through. At one time in my life,I felt like a book that was ripped in half. The second half of that book was my future. I felt like It was lost. It was a strange feeling,and it's hard to explain. I lost all perception of the future. I could see all of my past,and remembered the past. This caused me turmoil when it first happened. The future will unfold day,by day,so don't be troubled.

I also have been alone because of the way I perceive that other people are thinking about me. My condition was not understood when I was growing up. I was mistreated in many situations. Because of that I feel uncomfortable around other people also.

This time of the year is also cold,gray,and the dark comes so early. Many people feel depressed this time of year.

I asked another friend on the forum to please read Isaiah chapters 41-46. These chapters in the Bible talk about our future,and many other comforting words. Please read those chapters. I believe it will ease your pain a bit. BF

[Alffe]

(((HippieChick))) Families make strange bedfellows at times. The same people who are "supposed" to love and support us when we are flat on our faces...suprise us by walking on us. I think the Holidays are especially hard because it isn't about the "reason for the season" it's about the hustle and bustle and $$$$ or the lack of it. And it's about longing for that elusive "something"....that's always been there, we just don't see it.

You really aren't alone because you are a part of this forum family and we are here to listen, to really hear with our hearts and to help you to your feet.

[DMACK]

dear Hippiechick

There is an old saying in England that is so true.

'There's nought as queer as folk'

I am a true believer that as young children we inherit all our parents frailties, misgivings, and worst of all hang ups...............along with habits.


Saying that ...i only quote my own experience, as a child i recall a reasonably happy first hour of the day... then my dad crying in the kitchen..because he felt he had provided enough.......by lunch time a row would have developed...and by mid afternoon mmum went to bed......[i hated christmas]

As an adult i get stresed out over christmas and the cost of it all..financial and emotional..........i have worked over many christmas periods..which has added to family stress..[off c/eve and/c/day though this year in new year]

i think as the year draws to an end subconciously we reflect and ponder over the year past, and also tend to see repeated issues...we then find that the time of year is a huge barrier to inner happiness...

i have a plan i use every year ...on january 2nd we have another nice dinner...and have a playful day.........i like to see it as a preparing for a better year but not steeped in all the hustle and bustle of xmas and new year.

David