[who moi]

something David said really struck me again....as I am sure many have felt this way or is feeling this way...

I went through a big period in my life where I couldn't stand to be alone..

I had to had people around me all the time...even if they were in the other room, as long as they were "there" it was OK..

this became harder when I was in college...if any of my roommates would leave to go home, I'd feel like I was going to die, I either went home as well (which I often did anyways) or I'd go hang out somewhere where it is opened 24 hours...

the paradox is this...I am really not very social...if I'd go somewhere, I'd just find a quiet corner and I'd sit and try to control my loud tics...because I know that when I'd start to "bark" I'd attract unwanted stares (but that is another story)

however, being in a crowd, would be what I needed...I wanted to be alone, yet in the crowd...like being surrounded, but not wanting to be social...you know what I mean??

like a safety net.

I would often go to parties with my friends...but I never drank nor did I really socialized...I was extremely shy around girls...never had the courage to talk to any of them...so I'd just sit in the corner or became the bus boy...getting people food or drinks or crack a joke here and there...

and I'd stay longer than anybody else, offering to take them home because they were drunk or high....always the last to leave....

then I'd get home and get angry at myself for another night wasted...but I couldn't help it....

on weekends, we either crashed parties or threw parties or made sure we had card games going on...it was all so I wouldn't be alone...

if I'd lose one roommate because I got tired of taken advantaged of (1/2 of it my fault because I'd let them) then I immediately would take on another one...

the "suffocation" that came with being alone was just too much to bare...

my transition came about 11-12 years ago when I got really sick...(don't want to get into that)

and I WAS alone...I couldn't go anywhere...

I was scared...I thought I would die alone in my room...all by myself...to be discovered later....

nobody called me, nobody knew....I didn't tell anyone I was sick....

but inside me, I had hoped and prayed that someone would've cared enough to call me...

but nobody (of course, that was a game in my head that I played, it wasn't anybody's fault) did and then I became angry

after I got better, I thought to myself, you know, that isn't so bad...I survived that...

that was the transition that I needed...to count on myself and not to count on others...but it was only then that I began to see who truly cared and who didn't and it made me a better person and also smarter person in choosing friends....

I needed that transition...

these days, I so enjoy my alone time...and I enjoy my moss time...

the forums has a big advantage...

I can be alone yet feel surrounded...I guess that's why I come here....

and moss is so understanding....she understands about my needing to be alone...yet, it is always so good when she has her arms wrapped around me whenever I need it....

I consider myself the lucky one that made it out of the hole....

still struggling, yet....far from the hole...

[who moi]

I am training myself to beat up the "beast"...

cue music!!

[Alffe]

LOLOLOL!!!! I really needed that laugh!!!

[doxiemama]

Who Moi,

You were talking about me, not you, weren't you??

Well, if you weren't, at least I can copy and paste when I start sharing....

Hugs, Doxie

[who moi]

hi doxie (Pat)

for the longest time, I thought I was the only one to feel that way, being alone in a crowded room because I see so many people laughing, joking, drinking, talking in the crowded room and there I was, sitting by the corner by myself...just taking it all in...

then as I have learned throughout the years....a lot of us have felt that way...

I have a deep feeling in my heart that you are going to have so much wonderful inputs here in this here them forum....

I am so looking forward to them...((((BIG HUGS))))

~~~~~~~~ (the cool tildes..LOL)

Alpho, I can hear your laugh...love your voice...love you...

~~~~~~~~~

you know, that time when I was close to doing "it" the last time...

I was in a crowded Bowling Alley...laughing and joking with my teammates...

deep inside, I was plotting on how I was going to end it...

it was one of the most empty moments in my life...yet, there I was, in that crowd, hoping to leave people a wonderful impression of my last moments...

weird, huh???

((((BIG HUGS)))) for the room...