[Alffe]

by Richard M. Cohen

My sense of self shifts with the tremors. In the lens onto the world through which any seriously sick person peers - in my own case, battles with MS and colon cancer - fog blurs the lines marking the road and showing the way. Detours define the journey. Perception becomes reality and creates distortions. Chronic conditions take over systems and sensibilities deep within a body and mind.

As we struggle to survive and stay on our feet, how can we love? I often feel alone, even as I am surrounded by a loving family. I retreat within myself. To feel so bad and give something as good as unconditional love tests what is important. Self-absorption is out there, quicksand that can pull us down and away from the people we hold dear.

I never will love myself. The idea of self-love seems mythical, and what I see in the mirror disturbs me. But I can love my life. Maybe that is where I must begin. To find the joy inside my life is not drilling for water in the desert. My wife and children offer a happiness that would otherwise seem elusive. That cannot be taken away by disease.

Neither physical nor emotional pain will fertilize love. Family does. Given a pulpit, I would preach to citizens of sickness that life is made precious by what we give to others, that love is the currency of the realm and the current that warms. If it is real, that electricity will power any house.

We must decide what we need love to be. Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire offer no insight for me. The chronically healthy can live that 1930 Hollywood version of perfect love. The physically flawed cannot. The whole person must be more than the sum of flawed parts.

That man or woman who guides the other to clear the eyes and know what matters becomes an extraordinary character. My wife and I have traveled well beyond cosmetic love. We live in the real world and ask only what reasonably can be delivered. Love is picking up the other when the times come. And come they do.

There is no soundtrack to our relationship. Caring, and being there, are silent operations. Love is a form of hard work the young can not forsee.
Equal measures of dicipline and devotion are key ingredients for the rich stew simmering on the stove in the house where I live.

October 08 O Magazine

[Addy]

Hi Alffe! (thanks for your private note - yes, I was busy moving... and shovelling! we have had record breaking snow! - I'll write more about that in the wonder thread once I catch up on everything).

I find this post interesting and interpret it to say that it is very difficult to love oneself when we have physical pain. I don't know why he says it is mythical to love oneself.... I always say I love myself. I don't think I always did... and maybe saying I love myself isn't exactly what I mean. Maybe what I've done is accepted myself... I don't know.

Most times, even though my life isn't perfect (yep, I live in a real world!), I can say I love my life. I count my blessings.

This is a great post! thanks for this!
xo Addy

[doxiemama]

Thanks for this post Alffe. I have alway liked Richard Cohens views on the real world. I recently spent some time with a good friend of mine who is unable to walk due to MS. She is a recent widow. Her husband found out he had cancer and stopped taking all his meds. They lived separately in the same house. She found his decomposed body. They rarely communicated and she rarely saw him because of her MS, she rarely ventured past the kitchen, he lived in the opposite side of the house. I spent a lot of time over there and was at her house while he was dead in his room. I was by her side when his family of 9 came (he was the oldest of 4 boys, one already had died, and he had 7 sisters) and talked with them about their brother's last weeks. Since her husband, she has not only had to go through all his belongings and deal with all the paperwork, she has made 2 trips over the holidays to Ohio to see her parents-her mother is dying ol liver cancer. She looked good (that what people all say about people who have ms-we look so good) and we talked about our lives and what we'd been doing. There was a silence and we both said at the same time-adjust and adapt.

I looked at my life when I got home.One of the things we both had in common was our situation at home. We both lived with our spouses, but we both live alone-she had been living that way for a long time. I had been going to counseling during all this and finally have learned to accept things that I can't change about my husband and find peace.

As Addy said, my life isn't perfect and I live in a real world, but I'm starting to love who I am and count my blessings every day. I am thankful for NT and the people I have met here who are helping me be learn about unconditional love. That's what keeps me going.

I know this post is long, I have started it and stopped it several times in the past, but after reading this post, I wanted to share where I was coming from when I came to NT. Thank you all for helping me in my journey to make peace with my life.

Group Hugs to everyone and doxie kisses to all,

Doxie

[Alffe]

(((doxie))) What a good friend you are to her! I'm so glad you shared what you did...we all have a story and we sometimes try to tell it...but always we have to live it to the last page.

You know I lost a wonderful niece to galloping MS...her courage was awesome.

Counting our blessings every day.....angels everywhere. What a forum!

[Wren]

doxiemama -- I love what you wrote ..... it means the world to me and I can't stop crying over it ..... the good kind of tears.
I've just started a journey to make peace in my life and people like you are helping me.
So many people here in NT are helping me, holding me up.... thank you.

[Alffe]

I needed to read this again today. Hugs for the room.

[Alffe]

http://www.charlierose.com/view/interview/1577

awesome courage.....

[Alffe]

Looking for something else and found this thread, minus Charlie Rose, who I adore. *grin