[hollym]

Soon, my Grandma will be gone from this world. I have never questioned my faith before, but watching her suffer from the cancer and broken hip these last few months has been trying. Suddenly, I find myself less sure there is something more after this life. Why is that?

Is it just that this seems so unfair to put a good and loving woman through so much? She watched her only child (my mom) die of cancer, was victimized financially by her son-in-law, and started down the road of dementia. She finally moved in with us and we were just really in a rhythm of living together and having fun and making memories and she falls and breaks her hip. Then, the other shoe dropped and she was dx'd with small cell lung cancer. She hasn't had a normal moment since 1/17. Why her? She was always so loving and giving.

I have always been so close to her and she is my last elder relative and I don't think she will be with me anymore by this time next week. One part of me hopes she won't be (so that she will be at peace) - another part can't bear the thought.

I guess maybe it is losing my last elder relative that makes me so scared of not ever seeing any of them again. I never thought I would be the oldest living member of my original family at only age 39!

She keeps talking to my Grandpa (he passed away in 1994). I really hope he is here talking to her. That gives me a little hope. I guess I still have faith, but I'm a little scared that it is not as strong as it once was.

[sabimax]

Hugsss hun, and know those feelings of faith questioning are so very normal when going thru watching someone you love hurting in pain and dying... truely normal feelings. As you said also being the last or oldest in your family..too.

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS and love ya, sarah

[BlueMajo]

I understand you clearly.... I have had those thoughts more than once in my life.... I mean, why ? why do we or the ones we love have to suffer ? why those who were so good, so charming, so lovely have to suffer ? is that fair ?? why God permits this ?
I have questioning that several times....

I think there are pretty good books out there that talk about this and that can explain it way better than I could... hehe

One good book that had been recommended to me is one called like that, "why ?"

I want to read it.... perhaps it can help you too.

[mistiis]

(((hollym))) I am sorry you are going through this. It truly is normal to question the way you are, when facing such loss, especially when there is so much pain and suffering involved. I think we tend to blame God a lot of the time when it is not God at fault, but, the folly, and uncompassionate nature of man himself.

Are you utilizing hospice for the care of your loved one?? There may be ways that her suffering could be alleviated with the proper care. My prayers are winging their way to you and your loved ones.....sssssss

[Chemar]

((((((((((((Holly))))))))))))))))

I think we have all been at that point of questioning why? and where are You, God?

A book that really ministered to me is "Where is God when it Hurts" by Philip Yancey

RBC ministries also have some great free download booklets in their Discovery series and one that touches on this is here
http://www.rbc.org/bible-study/disco...8030&Topic=874

I will be praying for you and grandma....that she will be at peace and not suffering anymore and that the Lord will wrap you in His Love and reassure you.

[Twinkletoes]

Oh, I'm so sorry Holly. I hadn't realized your dear grandma had broken her hip.

What you're going through right now, I've been through similar experiences with my parents. The cancer, the broken hip, the dementia.

I have some strong thoughts/opinions on the Why? subject you are struggling with that I will PM to you.

Bless you for looking after your dear Grandmother.

[Kitty]

Holly

I know what you're talking about.....and I totally understand the way you're feeling right now. It's completely normal to think about all these things. There's no way for us to comprehend or understand the enormity of it all......so we have faith. It's hard sometimes, especially when those we love are hurting. It's hard to watch someone we love go through tough times.

You're doing a wonderful thing for your Grandmother.

[hollym]

Thank you, everyone. I guess the thing that bothers me is that I have really never allowed doubt to creep in. Faith is believing without proof and here I am desperately wanting proof. That just feels wrong. I talked to my pastor about it and he told me this was normal right now.

I just didn't go through this when my mom died - maybe because she was on the other side of the country and I never went through the day to day part of it. The last time I saw my mom alive was before it got so bad. That is how she wanted it, but my poor Grandma had to watch it day after day.

The hospice organization is wonderful, for the most part. I'm quite a bit less than thrilled with her nurse, though. The aides have been great and there is plenty of help with supplies and meds. For some reason, though, I am struggling to really take advantage of everything they offer like volunteers. I have always had trouble asking for help. I just always figure we are doing OK and so we should leave those resources for people who really need them. I don't like to take advantage too much.

[soxmom]

just want to send you a hug. Hang in there Holly.

[Twinkletoes]

Holly, IMHO you NEED to talk with somebody. The Hospice volunteers are wonderful for that.

Have you considered requesting a different nurse? One that you are more comfortable with?

When the higher-ups changed our aide's schedule, we told them we didn't want to lose her and she was able to continue coming.

Such a difficult time for you. Thinking of you and remembering you and your dear Grandmother in my prayers, dear Holly.