[honeybear]

I just so often fail to take time for or ask for help myself at home.
I can't even pray.

It has been all the effort in the world to function. To provide the basics even touch what others expect when I have the energy to fill a thimball,

DH employer closed in Feb. I was laid off last year but have been doing some consulting work. I spend hours at night searching the web for the postings, applying and sending resumes for both of us. We are carrying our own medical now. cobra assist is done and I was not eligible I had to pick up the medicare.

Then our bank allowed several unauthorized transactions on our account and will not credit them, they told me to go after the company that did it????
It caused $5oo in over drafts and twice that in fees. Our entire months earnings went in to cover this problem and no money for bills.

So dh transfers 401K money for the mortgage and asked if it cleared tonight, he went and got more cig's and beer.

We can not even afford him to do this, if he at least cut down......let alone being home and staying up all night drinking and smoking it is more them double. He does not care, does not get it....He is getting mean, on me about the house work, every word I say how I say it. challanges me, Puffs his chest and his nose goes up superior and I just sit with tears rolling. He does not care who he does this in front of. Even on the phone.

Well, I spent 4 hours a night on his medical applications, searched for a CA pharmacy to get our meds in generic, typed a CV so I could apply for a proffessional license, saved the attorneys fee by preparing the Affidavit and Petition myself, took the passport size photos to save the money, and when I could not find the controler for the TV he said why don't "YOU" clean!

He swept the floor once, wiped it with swifter once, put dishes out of dishwasher a few times, washed pots a few times, ummmmmmm that is it. In 5 months....
Today he stayed up all night, flipped out when there were power unsurges, the power was decreasing, He wakes me up yelling about it, I said call the power company. He got so PO'd that all day he is on my case and has me in tears. At 10:30 tonight he was calling the cable company because of the poor quality saying, I pay to have cable I dam=n well should have quality to watch. Yelled at them, then got off the cell phone and told me while talking to "switch over when they call back" . He just raised cain with them and wanted me to stop my call and take it? He went to bed.

I need to get my update to medicare part D I had prior perscription plan, I have to get the fax for the bond out asap, I have to print his 20+ pages for medical coverage eligibility. Still waiting for 7 months a neuro app for ds for his seizures and the dh says, I am retireing send ds out to work!

Really if the PCP has him off until they can control seizures, and I am the one that witnesses them how dare him say that!

I don't know why I am burdening anyone with this, except if something happens and I really do break under it all, that at least some friends here will know something is wrong.

I have such burden and loss and not a dang person in this house has compassion to me, the kids are healing, I can't do it all for them. At least the adult parent that is suppose to help us could.....

I swear, being off work has made him unacceptable to live with.
It is making me ill,
The best night sleep I had and relaxed I felt was when I had an accident with glass breaking in my face and ended up in the hospital overnight a few weeks ago.

Tonight instead of praying I want to yell up in the sky to God to help me, help me. I am a failure, I have no one to help <ME

Sometimes I think it is not me that is the problem, he needs to get help and stop tearing me apart because he is so miserable.
I can't take it. I can't do it one more day.......

honey needs hugs......

[Kitty]

Originally Posted by honeybear

Sometimes I think it is not me that is the problem, he needs to get help and stop tearing me apart because he is so miserable.
I can't take it. I can't do it one more day.......

honey needs hugs......

honeybear



You're absolutely right, honeybear, it's NOT you. You can't take responsibility for his bad behavior.

I am so sorry these circumstances have taken over your life. The bad economy is tearing apart more than just bank balances.......it's affecting lives and relationships.

Do you think he'd be willing to go to counseling? Either with you or alone?

I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you. I hope you don't feel so alone in all of this. I know some days it seems hopeless but I try to remember this saying that's helped me through some tough times.....When God leads you to the edge of the cliff trust Him fully and let go. Only 1 of 2 things will happen. He'll either catch you when you fall or He'll teach you how to fly!

[Chemar]

((((((((((((((honeybear)))))))))))))))

my prayers are lifted for you and my heart cries out to God for you in deep sympathy as I know a little of how you feel...my circumstances are slightly different in that husband terminally ill and just deeply depressed and my small business struggling to provide income for us in this economy....but I so know what you mean about our prayers becoming cries of help me help me help me...............

I do pray that God will speak to your dh heart and let him see the ugliness in the way he is treating you and make him realize how precious you are to him. May he also realize that the alcohol is not only hurting his body but hurting you via the way it makes him act toward you and others.

May God strengthen you and help you to find the path in this maze and lead you to better days.

I will be praying for you often as your plight has touched me very deeply.

[Twinkletoes]

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time, Honeybear. May God comfort you and bring peace to your heart.

[Jomar]

Since you are both home now- maybe when he is in a decent mood talk about sharing chores, it's only fair.

Does he have any sort of hobby?
There are hobbies that don't cost much, bird watching , reading , making things from recycled materials.

I think that is important for everyone, to have an outlet besides work, esp when work is not happening for whatever reason.


You don't have to accept his bad attitude , if he won't talk & work on fixing this as a partner in life with you, maybe you will have to give an ultimatum??
That doesn't work unless you back up what you say though.. or not very often.
or even separate for awhile if necessary so he might see the error in his treatment to you.


He is the one that is treating you badly, remember the marriage vows?
He has forgotten them.
I don't know how to get someone to see they are being mean & rude to ones they are supposed to love.....



my bro and his wife separated for a few months and now are working to make it together again.

[honeybear]

I knew when I felt there was no were to turn I could turn to my friends with unknown faces. I am hugging every one back and drawing on your love.

Chemar, I am so sorry about your DH, I remember watching my Dad die with dignity I would never have.
but he was 75 and a wounded Vet from Normandy at age 19. He use to say he always though the 3 days he lay waiting for help he would never make it home. I had to take a loan against our life insurance policy to buffer and the dip into 401K.

As the matriarchs we are some kind of magicians and finanical gurus for our families. I will keep you in my thoughts for God to send angels to give us some emotional fuel...

I wake up and think that although I have heart ache, I am not staring my mortality in the face. I would have to go through my own stages of grief. I can't even place myself in those shoes, but it did give me the strenght to pray again....I lost that abillity.

While my heart is still tight at least I can see a spot of sunlight. That is God that I am trying to see through all these storm clouds. I need someone to hold my hand and hug me....

I am always so giving for everyone else, I have to litterly be overwhelmed and unable to figure out how to keep from drowning, except to put my hand out.

Something must have at least shook him, he may have heard a conversation. The dil asked were he was when we were outside tonight I told her he just woke at 5 pm and as far as I cared I wanted him gone, if he talked to me in that patronizing way I was going over the edge,

Jo no hobbies woud not join the historical society as they were in the late evening when he would be having his brews, he will sit and watch TV when he is awake. First to bed, last awake. Sometimes up all night and then sleep for 20 hrs, get up, and all over againl

When I tell him he needs to get out and do something he will walk to the other room; state to son 2, get the microwave cart out from the wall, look for stains and dust under it. Walk to the bedroom, I (he) does not have beige socks do laundry, and go through those tote bags. to Son 2, get the tote bags up in the attic for your mother.

Back to me, the blinds in the bedroom are so dusty when is the last time you took them down and washed them (HUH, why did he not take them down and take care of it) walk in the kitchen and tell me, what are those boxes stacked by the steps....Ebay things, they have to go downstairs, to son 2, take those boxes downstairs for your mother....

Then he goes back to vegg and says I just took care of all these issues what do you mean I don't contribute

As always, the holidays are difficult without my daughter and visions in my mind go from her face raised to the beauty of the fireworks she made plans for the 4th every year, to visualize her body lifeless.

So tomorrow is the 4th, it is for the kids I will go through the motions. I love to make salads, I am a hugly good PA dutch cook, and the kids love the white cake with cool whip. strawberry, strips and blue berry stars.
I have not made it since the year Dad passed away.

SOmething that may cheer me too is making icecream with the grandson and youngest daughter like my grandpop did on the fourth...
I am going to try and rest it is 5:30 am. I had three hours sleep last night.

Hugs to you all and blessings
honey

[bobber]

stay in prayer,,,,God will help you,,,,,,,,prov 3:5-6

[clouds z]

he sounds like a lazy good for nothing

[SandyC]

Honeybear

[DejaVu]

Hi Honeybear,

I, like others here, feel you very heavy heart.
I am sorry for all you are going through.

As I consider what to write, I realize I cannot write much you don't already know... about the lousy bank policy, about "love and marriage," about wanting to be a supportive parent, about grief from the loss of a loved one...and so much more!

I am very sorry you are (and have been) treated this way. This can be a very difficult pattern to overcome, once it has established itself in a marriage. However, maybe not impossible to overcome/change this pattern of interactions if both parties are honestly interested and totally dedicated to doing so. Even so, you both will likely need outside help in bringing change about.

I guess the first step is in deciding if you each want to work on your marriage? This must be as honest a decision as possible. Sometimes, people truly do not know what they want. Sometimes, people think they do not want to work on their marriage and then "soften up" a bit in couple's therapy. It may be helpful to go together for awhile, even if "unsure" or desiring to end the marriage, while obtaining assistance in "parting ways" in a reasonable manner? It's important for separations and divorces to be as "sane" as possible, especially with children involved.

Is this an option-- counseling/therapy? I understand you are having extreme financial difficulties and may have difficulties financing this option. However, there may be some excellent resources available on a sliding scale fee and/or even for free in your community?

You seem to be describing some emotional abuse, in the least. How deeply this can cut...and how incredibly painful and demoralizing!

I am suggesting you think about talking with any agency in your community offering some support to battered women.

(I hope you will not be offended by this suggestion. I will follow with what types of issues these agencies may help with and you can determine if you might be interested in exploring this option.)

This type of an agency will ideally help you to determine if you are suffering emotional (and/or other forms of) abuse, as many people cannot discern this for themselves when under so much stress.

Often, the abuse will escalate when/if there is increasing stress and/or if someone is asking for healthy "changes" in the established pattern.
Please always keep yourself and your children safe should this situation escalate.

Often, these agencies also guarantee confidentiality, support groups, counselors/therapists to help women work through their issues and to pursue their own life goals. Many also have supportive legal resources/services, and connections with so many other social agencies that may be very helpful to you and to your children at some point.

I am aware of agencies that work with women, confidentially and free, piecing together a plan that is technically "on hold," yet also ready to activate the entire plan if/when you need/want to do so. In some agenices, they do this all confidentially, while never asking anyone to make any move before/until she is ready to do so. They also help women to locate/discover all of her possible resources. There are many resources in each community that most people are not aware even exist!

I hope and pray such an agency is avialable to you should you decide to contact them. Many of these agencies are avialable 24/7, even for initial phone counseling/support.

Often, it can be extremely helpful just knowing one has "support" and "very real options!" With the help of these agencies, one does not have to leave in order to get assistance. One can obtain assistence and consider all options. One can also often obtain lots of support whether or not ending a marriage/relationship.

I am simply making some suggestions and do not expect you to bare your soul here on anything you would rather not discuss in a public forum.

Neither can I clearly discern which options may serve you best. You know yourself and your situation best! You will know which suggestions may/may not be helpful to you!

If you are unsure about contacting such an agency, you are also allowed to call them and ask them what types of services they offer, etc. They receive inquires frequenlty.

So many great people have responded here!
Many are away on holiday.
This is a great place for support!

I will be praying for you and for your family.
Please take care!

Healing hugs!