Right before bed tonight, Vince told me casually that his new case manager was 'mean' to him when he was crying at school. I asked what happened, he could only say that she wouldn't hug him, told him to go sit under the table, and that 5th graders don't cry. So, below is what I think is a WAY REASONABLE letter I sent to her:


I need some clarity on something Vince was trying to explain to me. He said he was crying at school, and you told him to go sit under a table to cry, that 5th graders don't cry, and that really hurt his feelings.

Vince is a little tape recorder, I have no doubt this was said. I also have no doubt there is more the story, and he was not able to tell it. Could you please explain what happened? He was very upset. He said you refused to hug him as well.

I would expect if my child was upset to tears at school, he would be consoled - and not because I requested it, but because of a true and deep caring for him. I will really try and hear your perception of things. I really do try to work as a team and support the adults that work with my son. I want to be reasonable and hear you out, but I feel Vince should never walk away with the perceptions he did today no matter what.

You absolutely did the right thing.

The teacher is likely NT. She gets to go home at the end of the day and this is probably just a job. Especially if she's not giving a much needed hug.

Teachers that have no compassionate feelings **** me off.

I sure hope she had a good reason-- but since its unlikely that Vince is making up a story. She's got some esplainin' to do.

The issue isn't what you have said so far Mili, it's how you will react to her reply. Have you thought what tact you will take next if she says.

"Look I am really sorry, I did say that and shouldn't have. I apologised to Vincent today"

or

"He must have misunderstood me as I didnt say that at all."

I am always thinking one step ahead to the next aspect so I am prepared for any response. Nothing worse than being caught off guard.

Good luck

If she says something like:

"I am sorry, I dont recall saying anything of the kind. By the way Vince has been acting up a lot lately is everything ok at home?"

Just hit her with your handbag and make sure you have a small brick inside it first.

Unfortunately, as they get older the autistic kid is not anymore "cute, poor little kid" as I found out, as I saw happening with my son and my son is 32 and it started when he was 10, that's how he ended up on Thorazine.

He would meet people with no sense of humour and that their attitude was "show him who is the boss", "show him who is in charge" from there to physical intimidation and abuse was a short step, from there to lash out in self-defense another mini-step and then the conclusion that he is a danger to himself and to others.

My son would always be cute to us, to caregivers who really like, love him but while on drugs and from the abuse, his behaviour became unexpectedly bizarre, aggressive and self-injurious. Now he is mellowing out, everybody can see the change and are amazed, but took a loooong time and still is not totally out of the woods.

...more that case manager is not going to accept culpability and is going to place the blame on Vince.

((((((((((Mili)))))))))))))) and ((((((((((((((Vince)))))))))))))).

I think you're right on, hon'. Hell, you were probably more diplomatic than I mighta been! Please let us know how this turns out, and give Vince a squeeze for me.



LIZARD

Good gravy you must be an imposter!! The moldy headed woman I know could never write such a brief note or post.

In any case, I like the note. I personally would be going completely balistic if she confirms telling him to sit under the table for anything besides a emergency drill (or true emergency of course).
I would follow up with the brick in purse as Supermama suggested for the 5th graders don't cry comment if that is true. Is she trying to ruin his entire life?
My third and last comment... I really don't want teachers hugging my child. I think its something I would talk to him about at some point... just my thing though. Never give a pervert an opening, and though the teacher may not be... its just prep for a perv.

Keg...if the length, or lack of it, is not proof that the RDI I keep preaching about is great, I dunno what is, hee hee.

Lizard, I'm diplomatic (for now) cause I can't tell you how many times I've gotten wound up, only to get to the bottom of things and get a comment from Vince like, "oh, she only said it in my head".

Isabelle, I totally hear you about the 'cuteness factor' wearing off the older they get. Not to me, but yes to others. As far as her placing any blame on Vince, that will not fly with me at all...and I've been unusually blessed that overall, I have not had that problem with his school. It's more along the lines of what can the adults around him do, to help an incident not reoccur.

Peta, I am almost devoid of the ability to think beyond the next move in this type of situation. Sometimes I can, but really, I just am sort of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal. I do know if she admitted to all this, I then would not want her with Vince anymore cause woah, that was just too much. If she denies it all, same reaction...cause no way would he be able to make all that up. If she asked if it was something wrong at home, I'd say "yeah, he came home crying cause you...." and I'd retell what Vince told. But yep, thinking like folks do when they play chess would be awesome. Just not my forte, although when I have thought to the next step it has been awesome to have the preparation!

JungleJugs, I'm still hoping beyond hope, that it was some huge perception problem...that on the one hand yes she said things simular but with a completely different meaning and intention that Vince did not perceive as she meant. I'll definately be trying to read between the lines when she responds.

Thank you all, I'm obviously upset and worried. I'm really scared of what this year could bring. Fortunately I kept busy, I removed all my vinyl and subflooring from my kitchen...found some awesome wood laminate including underlayment for only $1/sq ft. I have a way cool blister from hammering back the zillion staples someone used to tack down the subflooring. But, my mind is still on what happened, I'm trying to stay cool and keep my mind off the visual of my son sobbing under a table after being shamed for crying, all by himself, all alone.

But, we'll get to the bottom of this, I just have to wait till monday. I think I've been kind of teetering on the down end of worrying about his future, you all know how that goes.

Mili

Bwahahahahaha - at Junglejugs - Visions of a cross between Tarzans wife and Pam Anderson swinging past occur with this new title.

Mili - let me get this right - you dont want this woman around your Vince if she comes clean and admits what happened. and you dont want her about him if she says if didnt happen - So why are you even asking her? She doesnt get to win in any situation other than if Vince just heard her say that in his head, which isnt likely as it was too specific and detailed. So regardless you need to get on to how she no longer works with him.

Lordy I am still coping with Jungle jugs as a nick name.

Peta

I don't know about that. I mean as ticked off as all those things would make me... I would have to know if there was an explanation for what Vince heard
I've been the victim of people misunderstanding things I have said (adults) and taking them completely out of context.
There could be a very logical reason for it. I think not addressing it with the person would be a huge mistake.

By the way

"...I removed all my vinyl and subflooring from my kitchen...found some awesome wood laminate including underlayment for only $1/sq ft. I have a way cool blister from hammering back the zillion staples someone used to tack down the subflooring......"

Wheww... no doubt its you now Moldy Still would love to see that video sometime.