GOOD news...first I really enjoyed reading the posts. Big time. Barb, holy cow I think I gave you a post traumatic flashback!!!

Second, the principal suggested coffee between the asst. prin. (who was Vincent's first case manager in EC and Kindergarten and who I value greatly). I was no way going to turn down an invitiation for communication. She invited another woman who's known Vince for 6 years now in school. I was totally honest, they were totally honest. I think we can move forward now in the direction I wanted to. WHEW!

I'd love to share everything we said...it was like a 2+ hour coffee 'chat' so I can't, but, I'd say in a nut shell, we agree the touch/hug issue needs to be a process not an instant change. We agree the fact he is now unable to do things he could do THREE YEARS AGO is alarming, and unacceptable. None of us understand why he was starting to participate in class UNaided, and now spends no time in class even with an aide (due to his behavior).

I asked for and will get academic worksheets he is currently doing in the beginning of a folder, worksheets that represent what a school years worth of 'typical' progress, and all the steps/worksheets inbetween. I will continue to observe, the asst. Prin. asked if she could observe with me, I said GREAT! Might make the teacher more comfy, and she will see things I won't too. I asked and she agreed to ask the staff I observe, to observe ME working with Vince at school...part of the reason I want to observe besides seeing his behavior, is to emulate their work/teaching style at home. I can't know if I'm doing that. Not looking forward to having to take what I've dished!! Hee hee.

So so much was discussed, the definately the largest issue, was someway, somehow, Vince must submit to authority. I don't want him to get a chip on his shoulder or resentment to build, the the older and bigger he gets, the less 'cute' his noncompliance is. They ask him to put a book away, and it's "why do I have to do that". I asked Vince the other day, "Does your teacher try to be mean to you like I saw you doing her?" and his first response was "yes, she makes me do math, math, math!". Ok. Wow. I keep forgetting what it felt like, to feel like that. We agreed that no matter what, he is going to have to 'release control' and 'submit' or 'let go' of that thing I can't describe, that makes him think no one has any right, he has all the rights....I hope that makes sense. I told them I do not care if I have to sit at a table with him till 6pm after school, do homework with him all weekend...what ever it takes, he needs to get done to him what ever they do to kids at boot camp to break his errogance (but not break his spirit). And I told them I was finally ready to see him have hurt feelings, in order to grow, and feel that is something that has been impeeding him bigtime, my fear of him feeling heartache. My fear of him looking at me tearfully and thinking I don't care how he feels.

Ok, the more I ramble the less sense this will make.

All I know is this...a few weeks back, when I asked why he continually does exactly what I have just asked him not to, he said "My brain thinks F-U, I don't have to do what mom and dad wants, I'm gonna do what I want" and pretty much has done so for the last 10 years (he is 10 btw) well, it's time to love him enough to let him go and make his own mistakes, let him fly while I still have a net under him...know what I mean?

See, I've never been through the process of raising a child. But I have a sense, that it's best for him now, to begin to raise himself. Be accountable, bear consequences...now I don't mean hand him a beer and say "you decide". But, it was freakin hilarious...I got him some fries tonight, as he tried to be casual about putting some salt on them (I usually say no) I said, "Vince, you're going to be 11 next month, you're old enough to decide if, and how much salt you use". He kind of got uneasy, "you can't do that! I'll use too much and get high blood pressure!" (lol) So I said, "well, that's up to you". He put the salt down, finished his fries...that's all good and fine...the part I don't understand is why he then proceeded while washing his hands after eating, to stick his head in the sink and wash his hair too, and come out looking like a mutated santa clause from not rinsing enough out.

And for once I didn't ask.



I'm am POOPED! Pooped from all the goings on today, pooped from being his everything all the time. Time to let go a little. You guys are all wonderful, for posting and helping me sort through this. I really appreciate today's interaction with my school, and hope we move in a great direction together.

Mili

IEP

BRING:
Tape recorder/tape/batteries
note pad
pen
copy of IEP
copy of schedules
extra folders to return

OFFER:
volunteer pt as aide to help me be on same academic page
to be supervised making sure to emmulate staff

OBJECTIVE:
If things are not being done appropriately, let's ALL get
things on track. I have no interest what so ever in finger
pointing let alone legal action, etc etc. I am eager to
grasp my son's educational life as well as you all do. I
Want to understand it, and be a part of IEP team decisions
or at least be informed of and understand the decisions
made that effect my son. I think they call that being
'in the loop'. Everyone's thoughts on that?

What will it take for his mind to just say 'Okay' when
asked a simple request such as picking up and putting
back something he dropped.

Tell staff the F-U story (without cussing).

Vince does know what I want, does know what teachers want.
He actively decides "I don't have to do what you want me
to do, I'm going to do what I want". So, he is not in the
category of child that really doesn't know what your
expectations are. However, with such a chaotic mind, and
so little practice at impulse control...I do not believe
it's as simple as typical noncomplaince. Does that make
sense, everyone agree? Other's thoughts?


TOPICS:
BEHAVIORAL:
'Behavior' is such a broad word. Can we narrow down the
biggest behavioral obstacles to work on?

For example, Vince to me acted like he's a big fish/small
pond,and needs to feel like the small (but compent) guppy
he is in a sea of experienced adults, teachers, mentors.
In what ways can we begin doing this?

What does he need to change from resistance and noncomplance
to 'okay' in his mind when adults make requests of him?
I'm thinking home and school, every area of his life -
like boot camp. Not the kind where his face is shouted in,
just the opposite. I am finally to a point as his parent,
that I CAN see him hurt, in order for him to grow.

I felt at school there was noncompliance from him that
I saw, that was more 'typical' than asd related honestly.
What do you all think?

Any chance of him spending time with the younger kids,
for reading or art, like last year? Chance to
feel competent is the purpose, plus, social time with
developmentally age appropriate peers. He just seems to
have no peer time, it's so isolating. Maybe for recess?
Can we verbalize the reasons this is so? I know there
is inappropriate behavior, but let's be speciffic. I know
last year he very much enjoyed playing with the younger
kids, than them with him. What does everyone think?

Section 504. From what I was told I'm under the impression
he spends virtually no time in regular ed. I'm not a huge
fan of section 504 being blanketed on all children. Can
we try and get him class time that will benefit him and
not impeed the learning of others. I recall in past years
other than second grade, he spend time in class unaided.

How did the whole 'hug policy' for Vince come about. How
was it turned into a no crying on lap or shoulder policy.
Leading to an high five only contanct. Tell Vincent's
interpretations about Ms. H's sleeve being more important
than his tears...I assume she was searching for a tangible
answer as to why he could not cry on her, I cannot believe
she'd really mean that. And it's very important to me she
is not made to feel badly or awkward about that. The hug
thing needs to be a PROCESS. It needs to be explained to
him matter of fact, honestly, and step by step. From what
I've been told so far, this all became an issue when he
said the word 'puberty' to Miss H. I have to say, I feel
the whole 'do not let Vince touch you' policy has felt to
me like he's being labeled a perverted deviate. He is not.
HOW is Ms. H. so 'uncomfortable' with him crying on her
sleeve? HOW did this whole thing evolve, and why was I
not allowed to talk with Ms. H. about it? I want the
truth, cause only that will make sense. Who was really
uncomfortable with Vince hugging?

Vince needs to have explained to him, his part in things
that change (such as hugs) that he doesn't like...when he
is a part of the change, such as the pinky shake. I'm never
cooth with him, I always tell him the truth - age
appropriate truth I mean.


ACADEMIC:
was adding with Mr. K. (second grade or third) a colum
three numbers, each three digits...able to carry over.
Such as 345+115+212, vertically.

Still not doing coins/money but was with Mr. K. (second
or third grade). Did know the amount of nickels, dimes,
quarters, in a dollar. Could count by 5, 10, 25 to 100.
Should we review old IEP's to see all the things he could
do, and now cannot? It's frightening. How did this happen?

Could tie shoes, not proficiently yet (with Mr. K.)
and now they are tied for him.

Is staff avoiding him having a fit, so he is becoming
sort of treated in ways to avoid him getting upset? I
understand doing that in ways that pertain to autism,
but not in a blanket way - which is easy to have happen
when you are familiar with a persons likes and dislikes.
I understand! I always find it eye opening when someone
who does not know 'vincent's rules' breaks one with him.
Often I'm very impressed with his ability to be flexible.
Equally as often, I'm not.

I'm still concerned about reading...seems to be very
slow to no increase in reading skills. Words he could
a few years ago, he stumbles over now.

What little time I observed, I was surprised at what
looked to me, to be a mind in total chaos. How did I miss
this seeing him at home? No prioritization or organization.
Like an epileptic thought process. With his behavior and
chaotic mind, as things stand now, I don't see how school
will ever be more than a glorified babysitting service. That
is not fair to him, and not fair to the adults who I know
try so hard to share and teach so much to him. How can we
get Vincent to try for staff...as hard as staff is trying
for Vincent? He could be the most fun and enjoyable kid in
the world to be around, and it's so sad and unfair to him
and staff his behavior and attitude prevent this. Does
everyone agree?

I don't want typical behavioral approaches for asd behaviors,
but I also do not want well thought out gentle approaches
for typical bratty noncomplaint attempts at manipulation.
I'd love to grasp all his behaviors all freudian style,
but I don't. Does he need some good old fashion intervention
any grandma of 10 could give us, or an autism specialist.
Or both. I think both.

I'd like nightly homework. An extension of what he is doing
currently at school. The math can be simular to Carmen's.
A step by step A-Z process. So I can see where he's at,
and see him making progress.