Where do I begin...there are several issues going on, I'm just going to copy my last letter to school, after they wrote me letting me know Vince is behaving oddly/badly at school which began after they started a 'no hug' policy with him, and told me it was ok with him....

Well, Vincent hates the high five idea, and perseverated about it to me all night. It's not ok with him, when is rejected, he may not talk about it. But, as is evident from yesterday's behavior at school, this 'No Hug Policy' effects other areas of his studies and behavior at school (as well as home). This perseveration impeeds his learning. I would say this would apply to any child. And when we spoke I understood it to be more than a 'No Hug Policy', he's been banned from being comforted in every way familiar to him, that shows him others care. No resting his head on a lap to cry, not even crying on a shoulder on the bus, no pinkie handshake. So, now you are aware, it is not ok with him. And now you are aware, he is not getting what the change is about. He might even be able to recite 'your' words, but he does not get it.

I don't get it either, so I'm not surprised he doesn't. I've really tried, and I just don't get it. When he hugs me too long or strongly, I've worked with him to be gentle. Now, when he hugs me it's appropriate. Hugging and physical touch is something that goes on in the world. If he needs to learn to hug...how hard, how long, what the signs are that the other person is done, then why was the decision made to create a No Hug Policy rather than teach him?

<snip>

And for the last time, it's not that I need to WITNESS Ms. H. talking to Vince about no more physical contact between them. I need to be there so when he says things that show me he doesn't understand why he can no longer touch her or be touched by her, I can explain her perspective to him. Which is hard enough since I myself don't understand the benefit of a No Hug Policy versus teaching him to be appropriate at school where hugs DO take place, tears DO fall and comfort IS given all around him. It's a nonproductive solution, to force a child with autism of all things, to understand why he will no longer be comforted with a hug or putting his head on a shoulder while crying. But, because I think so much of Ms. H., I want to find a way to work within her comfort zone. I can come any time of any day, so it's a bunch of hooey that it'll take another 10 days for this conversation to take place.

How about school considering explaining to aides, before BANNING or making a NO HUG POLICY, that if a child doesn't let go quickly enough during a hug, you help them to do so appropriately so he can take that with him, throughout school, out of school, and into his life. You are saying "Vince, you're doing this wrong, so no more touching". Honest I'm at a loss to grasp this. It's going badly, so your solution is don't do it at all. No one, not one person I've consulted about this issue, understands this solution. Or why it wouldn't be a better solution to get the ADULT aide rather than the CHILD student, to understand a hug appropriately policy.

Really, I'm starting to feel insane, my child is autistic, why punish and restrict and make policies that teach him nothing, other than that he has failed, at even a hug. Am I only making sense to myself?

But there's a bigger issue. Why is he currently doing work so far below what he is able to? Why were there things he could do in past grades, he can no longer do? We can talk about all of this at the emergency IEP, requested 10/16/06.

Thank you,

I understand the no hug policy, but I wonder why it took so long for them to do this? THis policy is for Vinces protection (and well being) as well as the staff.... so it is good for all.
Problem of course is getting Vince to understand it, and coming up with an alternative (not a high five... give me a break is this 1972?)
I don't see why they can't do a pinky shake though? Maybe I don't really know what that is?

Hey Keg...since you and others are posting about this on BT1 I'll post there instead of here

little mike (my friend with severe autism) has a similar issue. he likes to touch and hug too many times. well one of our techniques to teach him (he is 21) are quick little spurts of words that we use regularly around him. always saying the same exact words. i.e. can't hug too long, don't touch a light, ask to touch, etc. etc. he ends up saying the little short scentences to himself like he is trying to remember it. and when we use the words he enjoys relating that he knows what i am saying.

i don't know why your school doesn't want to teach him. most autistics i have met love to learn as long as it is presented in a form that they can relate to. which for the most part means to present the information in a way that they enjoy and can conversate or react positively with. little mike has the same problem with the amount of pressure he engages when he is touching. heck now that i think about it, i had a similar issue when hugging family i would squeze so hard i would try to pick them up. not sure why? but it might corrilate to the enjoyment of pressure that some autistics get. heck sometimes little mike will grab my arm and wont let go. and he is darn tootin strong i tell you what. so that is why we say ask to touch etc. or don't touch strangers and stuff.

does seem stupid that the school isn't even trying to help him. no matter what they should enforce new techniques that don't involve touching that would satisfy his social requirements and feelings. like if you can't hug then what about trying to relate specific (exactly the same) words that he may use that can help him deal with his current situation. if he would like to cry on a shoulder and they won't let him that is just plain stupid. i mean he is a child and should be able to voice his emotions and deal with them in a constructive way. heck technically i understand what you mean by not understanding why they are doing this?

did they do this because of him? was he hugging too much and or did he have complaints? or is this something they are enforcing for other reasons?

this makes me a little mad at those people though, for the same reason as you. why not teach him!!!! i mean darn it, he is a kid with autism. i think it would be quite interactive to show him different examples of acceptable hugs and touchings that he can even practice and treat like homework. like he has to hug mom tonight and count to 3 before stopping? ya know? or i might just be a little heated in the thought since it seems like they are just doing what ever is easiest for them and not what is right for the kid? ya know?

i'll stop rambling, i hope there can be middle ground for your issue. lord knows a good hug can help little mike (or even myself). i know i don't prefer touch or contact with strangers because of my asperger's. but i do enjoy it at times from the ones i feel dear about.

((((((Mili)))))),



I'm so sorry that you and your boy are having to go through this.

I don't really know what it's like to live with someone with autism. All I know I've learned here or in books that I've read.

I did raise a kid that had a hard time fitting into society. So I know what that's like.

What i DO KNOW is Vincent is a beautiful soul and a gift to all of us. I believe that there is a KEY for everyone and that the best thing that you can do for any child is to find that key so that they have their best life.

I can understand restricting the hugging -- especially in this society. But, they need to invest in your boy and his future and FIND THE KEY to connecting with him to TEACH HIM.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

For a transition from hugging to no hugging - would the school consider allowing 'side hugs' for a while?

A side hug is when both people are facing the same direction, and you put one arm around the other persons shoulders, and the other persons puts one arm around your shoulders -- it's a way to hug someone without having frontal body parts touch.

Some people call side hugs "half hugs" since it involves only one arm from each person.

It could be a way for the school to offer a transitional period between hugs and no hugs.

I TOTALLY HAVE TO READ ALL THIS TOMORROW! I'M RUNNING TOO FAR BEHIND. And fyi....I want you all to know that every day after school, the students (especially the younger ones) line up for a nice big HUG from the teacher one by one, as they leave. You will hear teachers even say, "hey, what about my hug?" if the child forgets. The children are never forced to hug though.

There is like more info on this situation than you might even want to know, on BT1.

This is all so foreign to me. In NZ a few weeks ago the law was relaxed so that teachers are now allowed to 'place a hand on a childs shoulder to comfort if the situation warrents this'. Up until recently, although it wasnt actually against the law for hugs or physical contact it was strongly disuaded and the professional body that advises teachers prevented physical contact. It simply isnt ok for teachers to touch children in a day to day way. This has be borne out of avoiding abuse and false accusations of abuse.

Special needs kids are different - and while I understand Vinces schools policy of no hugs, what I dont get that it was ok, and now its not and he has had no time to adjust or comprehend this shift in policy and there has been no acknowledgement or recognition that Vince doesnt understand this sudden shift.

Mili I think it is appropriate for teachers not to be hugging him. I realise that it is tough withdrawing this and it has been handled badly. Vince obviously needs this contact with people he feels close to. But later he is going to have hormones raging through his body and it is better for him to be getting his head around when its ok and when its not ok to touch others now than when he is 15.

Anyway if I have misunderstood anything that has happened forgive me. Autism suck period. Always there are challenges. Hazel has been writing long letters to her self entitled "My ideal boyfriend". When she has virtually no friends and no peers and no contact with anyone even remotely able to be a boyfriend.

When you get a chance to absorb everything email me There has to be a way through this for Vince.

Thanks everyone! Thank you thank you.

Because of all the support, I feel so much more sane - ever feel insane when communicating with school?

It seems everyone I've discussed this with seems to feel like I do...this has got to be a process not an overnight change.

Also, it should have been a change I was a part of since I am part of the IEP team. I hope in the upcoming meeting, we can work this out. But to my surprise, this is really the least of the problems at school. I mean, I consider it a huge problem that teachers are demonstrating patience and asking reasonble things of him, and he is resistant, noncompliant, and calling them names. Wow!

It was pretty darn funny, if it weren't so sad...I was asking him last night, "do you think you're always fun to be around for the teachers?" and questions like that as he gave me his complaint list about the people at school. Well, according to Vince, he is nothing but pure joy to be around. Oh, sure.

I well well WELL remember being in my late 20's, and for the first time having the thought that maybe, just maybe, I am annoying to others, that it's not always them being crabby but me doing something. Quite a revelation. I don't want Vince to wait till his late 20's to see HIS part in the way others react to him...does that make sense???

I mean, this was a hug/touch issue, now it's just growing to huge proportions. Huge but long over due proportions. Why the heck is he acting like such a little stink at school, and just being allowed to? I mean, IS extinction the right coarse of action when Vince calls a teacher a moron and cops an attitude for being asked to put a book away? I call that a plain old fashion lack of respect, not asd related. I mean really, I want to see my kid with objective eyes. I want to understand when to cut him some slack, but I think he's getting too much slack cut. He really has had no practice what so ever, in being told to do something and his mind going "Okay!" in a positive way. Again, I'm more concerned with the internal feelings and thoughts than his actions...his actions will be fine when his thoughts are, ya know?

But thank you again, very much, for all the posts. I'm rushing (again) but I just had to read everything.

Mili

((((((Mili)))))),

G-d, that sounds so familiar My son would swear under his breath at the principal or kick a hole in the door and they'd "say" that he had to do 5-days detention. He'd end up doing 1/2 day and that was it.

The only consistency came from me. My husband ALWAYS did the opposite of me. The school didn't follow-through.

There HAS TO BE consistency of treatment and the school HAS TO DO what they say they are going to do. It's too confusing to the kid otherwise.

I never saw the bad behavior at home. My husband (who was similar when he was a kid) said it was because HE KNEW that the school members would prevent him from hurting himself or others -- so he could blow out as far as he wanted and he would be prevented from totally exploding. Makes sense

My personal opinion of WHY this happened (and I suspect that something similar is going on with Vince) is that he/they present such a "personable/cute" side to the school (manipulative, in other words) that the school doesn't want to quote-hurt/punish him-unquote. It's just like you don't want to spank the cute puppy for pissing on the floor -- even though the cute puppy probably knows better.

You got your hands full, Mili -- I remember all that crap so well. You DO have to be consistent and INSIST that the school do what YOU want.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb