[Roman]

I just thought of one ultimate mistake I am making with EVERYONE and a philosophical way to stop making it. Namely my assumption that neither myself nor other ever change, and the logical conclusion that everything needs to be perfect, everything needs to be explained, and every little issue needs to be dragged on. I also invented a LOGICAL way of perswading myself to stop doing it -- after all logic is the only thing that works with me. Here it goes:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger....174&highlight=

[Keggy]

Roman dear.. I read your last thread and saw you were doing the same thing as before. In this thread it appears you have figured out that you don't have to figure out everything... but then... you try to again anyway!!
I clicked on the thread and saw it was a bit too lengthy to read (i am at work)
Stay away from that perfection thing, its a killer.
Hope you can find some peace

[Milivica]

Originally Posted by Keggy

Roman dear.. I read your last thread and saw you were doing the same thing as before. In this thread it appears you have figured out that you don't have to figure out everything... but then... you try to again anyway!!
I clicked on the thread and saw it was a bit too lengthy to read (i am at work)
Stay away from that perfection thing, its a killer.
Hope you can find some peace

...Ditto...

[Roman]

Originally Posted by Keggy

Roman dear.. I read your last thread and saw you were doing the same thing as before. In this thread it appears you have figured out that you don't have to figure out everything... but then... you try to again anyway!!
I clicked on the thread and saw it was a bit too lengthy to read (i am at work)
Stay away from that perfection thing, its a killer.
Hope you can find some peace

I guess it is basically like in math. You first have to write 10 page proof of a theorem, but then you can PRETEND that you don't have to figure it out by simply quoting a theorem on such and such page. So that is the trick I am trying to do with myself. I know I can't help the need to figure everything out. So my only hope is to prove a theorem how I don't have to. And of course the proof of that theorem should be equal in length to my otherwise long attempts to figure thigns out -- thats what it takes for it to be a "substitute".

I have to be honest. Before my last relationship started I already knew that my obsessiveness is the number one issue. So the way I decided to solve the problem was by simply shifting my attention on school. After all, my academic problems in ph.d. thesis are partly due to having spent enormous amounts of energy on relationship issues. So, shifting attention to school will solve both academic AND social problem and thus will make it into win/win situation.

What I have found out is that it is true taht, while things are going smooth, I can focus on school and make it to the point that Erin was the one obsessing about lack of my attention. So taht was great. In fact, things went perfectly for few months straight, which is a huge success story.

However, it didn't change the fact that the first time Erin finally did bring up something, no matter how minor, where I weren't able to get her to acknowledge the way I proved my case, it lead me to obsess about her all anew. Furthermore, sure, while she was chasing me around for few months I was THINKING that I didn't obsess about her and was only worried about school. But the day where she started calling me a little bit less, once again my attention has fully shifted on her.

So, I guess may be the switching of focus is not an answer. May be the answer is to try to refute the beliefs that were driving me, and then once I don't have these beliefs, I won't be acting upon them, wherever my focus might be.

[Mother's Heart]

either all the men I've known have Asperger's, or it is typical of men to obsess on whatever their current focus. Obsess on the girl they have or want a relationship with, or obsess on something they want to have, or something they want to do.

I know this is just a red herring and I probably shouldn't post this here Roman. I just couldn't avoid the observation. Don't let it distract you from your real question.

[Roman]

Originally Posted by Mother's Heart

either all the men I've known have Asperger's, or it is typical of men to obsess on whatever their current focus. Obsess on the girl they have or want a relationship with, or obsess on something they want to have, or something they want to do.

I know this is just a red herring and I probably shouldn't post this here Roman. I just couldn't avoid the observation. Don't let it distract you from your real question.

There are some speculation that HFA/ AS are basically extreme forms of male personality. This is supported by the fact that women have better social skills while men are better at math and science. Plus of course the fact that HFA/ AS are more common in men, and also the fact that men have larger brains than women much like autistics have enlarged brains too.

Either way, actually HAVING Asperger makes it far more extreme than what other men have. I am sure other men turn off women in a lot of similar ways that I do, but in my case it is SO MUCH out of proportion that I am the one left single most of the time.

[Mother's Heart]

Yes Roman, that's the distinction...with the ASD it's the extremity of the trait, the pervasiveness and intensity I suppose, and the inability to modulate it. You've got that right.