Firstly I hope that BT doesn't go down in smoke, so much info & history there!!!!

Now about me, LOL! And the thing is this is about Coley...but I'm SO hurt and having a hard time.

Today was open house at his camp, tomorrow is the last day. I was actually going to blow it off, but yesterday he asked if I was coming up, and he wanted Daddy to also. Well DH has an all day meeting today so couldn't get away from work, I just needed a sitter for Audrey. So last night I checked with MIL, and she was available...

So I asked him which class(es) he wanted me to visit...he chose his last class, Board games. Well that makes it easy too, I just get up there a little early and I can take him home after...

So I get up there and it was right when the classes were changing over, so the staff directed me to the caf where the kids gather & wait for their teachers to 'collect' them for their next class...I walk in and spot the back of his head across the crowded, noisy & chaotic cafeteria. I go over tap him on the shoulder, he turns around, his face lights up and he says "mommy!"... So I sit beside him and he turns to continue his little game he was playing with his friend Jacob who he met in his K class.

Just then Jacob yells "Coley, I told you to stop touching that, what are you deaf!?"

Yup Jacob, I ask myself that same question atleast a half dozen times each day. So I say, softly, but outloud, "Coley, that's Jacobs, if he doesn't want you to touch it, you shouldn't."

Just then he takes off and hides under a table. I go over to talk to him and he refuses to come out. And now the kids are starting to notice. Probably 5 kids are trying to talk him out. And then his board games teacher comes over and says "Oh there you are Coley, let's get ready for class." Coley starts with "I'M NOT GOING! I'M GOING HOME!"

So I tell him that we can't go home just yet, we can leave a little early if he'd like, but we have to go to baord games first. Which was a total lie, I could have walke out with him, but didn't think that would be a good idea...ya know, reinforce the whole idea that you can run away from your problems, literally.

So, there was a lot of discussion and eventually the teacher had to leave with his class, and Coley was hiding behind a pillar and refusing to budge. I told him I was going to class, I'd see him thee and I left the caf. I stood outside the doors and I could here the couselors trying to get him to go...he's now the last kid in the caf and there are all sorts of teachers, admin & couselors working on this...

So I walk back in...I remind him that he asked me to come up there, that I got Mamo to sit for Audrey etc. I told him that if he didn't want me to visit his class that I could go back home and let Mamo leave and then come back up later to get him. That didn't do much...again, he made his decision and there was virtually NOTHING that was going to change it.

At this point all the staff walks away once they see I'm there...great! Like I can actually work this out better than them, I'm conviced at this point that it's all BECAUSE of me. Perhaps with a little help from Jacob, but this has happened so many times now that I am sure that if it wasn't Jacob, and it wasn't then, that it just would have been something else.

Why do I even try to do things like this?! It always turns out like this, ALWAYS! Why?!

Sure I'm embarrassed but not nearly as sad...how come I can't just go and have a nice time, why can't he?

And it got even worse, I finally got him to his class, but then he refused to come in, the teacher then talked to him out in the hall, then ended up taking a walk, while I sat there almost near tears while I watched all the other parents playing board games with their kids, wondering, WHY!?

Eventually they came back in, but they sat under a table while the teacher brought a game out for him that he liked to play...and, typical, it wasn't the 'correct' way to play "connect 4" rather they play toss the chips into the pan...WTF!

So I went over to talk to him...asked him if he'd like to play a game with me...NOPE!

SO I go for a walk myself...when I come back in he's no longer under the table he was playing that game with the teacher ON the table. So I walk over & he tells me "it takes a little time sometimes for him to warm up" ...every day? I asked...no, but in the beginning. OK, that's in line with history, but why today...for my benefit? He didn't know.

So he asked Coley to tell me the 'rules' of their game, Coley didn't speak. So I told them it kinda looked like Tiddly Winks, and we started talking about that, with 5 minutes to the end of class we were playing Tiddly Winks with the connect 4 pieces.

And I still just want to cry!

And oh yeah...I do know that there is somehting here going on with Coley, but right now I don't care...I spend all my days sorting through stuff for him, and for just one time I would like one of these moments to be enjopyable for ME!

Is that to f'n much?

sorry you and Coley had a rough time. Maybe he just feels comftrable 'letting go' around you, because your his mother? It seems like maybe he was having a hard time while he was there, maybe just holding it together, but it was probably building the whole time, and when he seen you he might have figured if he convinced you he could go that you would take him home, and he wouldnt have to endure it anymore.
Reminds me of when you said about the baseball team and him running away. It is just really rough on a person with aspergers/autism to be around a group of people you are not comftrable around, I know I described it, sort of like your 'flight or fight' response is always on and you want to run to get away from the group of people, but it seems like he knows that isnt aceptable to do, so he stays with the group and fights back those feelings. It seems like he probably had all he could take of that and when he seen you he let loose, and the 'flight' part kicked in thinking you would just take him home.

I can relate to situations like that, but everyone is different. When I was a kid I did stuff like that all the time, and I am not sure how my mom survived it, but she did (she just dyes her hair to get out all the gray )

RR, the sad part is that I think I knew/know that. Problem is, what's the solution...I know he now feels embarrassed, probably for more than one reason, and on more than one level, so seems there is really just one thing to figure out. That is how to avoid this in the future...I can only think of one way...short of solving the fight or flight response issue.

Probably why my initial reaction was to 'blow off' the open house...but then he asked me...and BLAM! Oh this has happened SO many times! Not just baseball...I am 100% convinced that you are right...and at the end of the day I feel like it's my fault he embarrasses himself. It's not supposed to work that way! I'm supposed to support him, not cause him to crumble!

Oh, and forgot to mention, I'm inclined to say to him: "you do that again and it'll be the last time I come to an open-house."

Basically letting him know that he still needs to hold it together even when I'm there.

Kristen,
Sorry to hear things didn't go so well with you and Coley. I have to agree with RR's assessment -- may have been a fight or flight thing for him.

Also could be that it was all he could do when you weren't around to keep from melting down, then when you got on the scene it somehow made it much harder to suppress.

RR,
That sounds a lot like my mom.

Kristen, I'm just curious, was camp something he was looking forward to?

I dont know what the solution is, if you find that solution let me know, I could use it! I am 25 and still get like that, in crowded stores, like walmart, it has me running for the exit. Lauren has trouble leaving her apartment, and I know most people on the spectrum have problems like this, not sure if there is a easy fix. Pretty much my only solution is to have a exit plan, some place were I can go to stay calm. Maybe it would be okay for Coley to leave the group to calm himself down so that he can join the group again after he is calm? maybe it will take some of the stress off the situation, knowing he can have a temporary 'flight' and get it out of his system?
That might not be the best way to deal with it, but that is the only stratigy I have
Sorry I am not much help, I really dont know what to say, maybe pegs, keggy or some other members that are here will be by to give you some great advice

Yeah, we talked about the different programs that were available in the town, he chose this one, and the 4 classes he takes each day:

1. Letter Practice (he doesn't need this really, but wanted to have class with Mr. S, the aid from his K class)
2. Science/Nature
3. Sports fundamentals
4. Baord Games

Wednesday afternoons he has flag-football with Mr S too.

Which reminds me, while the baord games teacher was talking to Coley in the hall before he came into the room, Mr S walked by and was just looking at the situation, didn't see me, but didn't look phased by it at all...I kinda was expecting a "Gee Coley, what's going on there" look on his face, but it wasn't there...neither was a "typical!" look ...just sorta an ok, that doesn't look out of place expression as he kept walking...

The whole thing has me so divided...

it just ocured to me that maybe the group of people there with him, putting pressure on him to come back and join the group, maybe that was just making it worse, maybe that is why he was hiding under the table, so everyone would keep there distance. Maybe the best thing would have been to leave him alone so he can calm himself down, as I am thinking all those people around him focusing on him was just making it worse and draging it out?

I am not criticizing how you handled the Coley touching somebody else's things, just pondering (since that seemed to be the trigger) if there was another way to handle that to head off the F or F. I don't know what the item was, but most likely Coley was being impulsive, touching it after the other kid had told him not to. (Coley knows he's supposed to control his impulses but isn't very successful at it yet, right?) But, i wonder if addressing Jacob could have diffused the situation: "Wow, Jacob, that looks really cool! Can I see that?" Would have taken the pressure off Coley and made Jacob feel good about sharing the "hallowed" item that Coley is not allowed to touch.

I know you weren't trying to make Coley feel bad...these things happen.
I completely sympathize with your "why can't I have one freaken normal parent/child event with him?" I have felt that way and said the same thing so, so many times...it was like I expected a footnote to show attribution to me!