[megveg]

Hi there.
My name is Meghan and I've just joined this forum today. I've found my way here with a guiding light sent by DiMarie. She found me on another forum we both post on and extended her helpful hand to me and brought me here.

I havent been diagnosed but I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.

Even right now trying to type this I'm fighting off dizziness and nauseousness from thinking about everything that has happened to me recently (and not so recently)

Its going to take me a few post to get out everything so please bear with me.

I'll start with my first ever panic attack.
I started dating the most wonderful boy in April 07. In May 07 we went to a huge concert (kinda like Woodstock) and we were waiting in a HUGE crowd for the headlining band. Once the band came on, the crowd started swaying and I immediately couldn't breathe and I felt trapped. We got out of the crowd and to the First Aid tent and the person said that I had a panic attack. I had no idea what that was at first but after it happened I was fine.

Fast forward to May of this year. The boy and I go to the concert again (its annual) and I was fine. I finish highschool and we go on a trip to Disney world with his family. The day after I get home I have graduation. I didn't have a job at the time we got back and I could see it was bothering Mike (the boyfriend). I could tell for a while he was bothered with having to pay for things for me and drive out to see me (we live an hour apart). 2 weeks after we got back from Disney, the brakes in my car were broken so I asked my mom if I could borrow her car to go see Mike. She said yes and I told her I would bring it back before she had to go to work the next morning (I was planning on leaving Mike's around 11pm). I fell asleep at Mike's and ended up leaving at 4am. As I was driving home, a deer jumped out in front of the car, and in a panic, I stepped on the gas, swerved and ended up in the woods. The car was totaled. It was the first time I had ever been in an accident and I was all alone.

The few weeks after that were hard. I felt overwhelmed with no job, school in the fall, Mike seeming to be pulling away, and the car thing that I had my 1st BAD panic attack. I was rushed to the emergency room in an ambulance. Mike drove from his house to the hospital to see me to make sure I was okay.

Still with no job, I would take the train to Mike's house to see him. The week before the 4th of July I spent the whole week at his house watching his dogs because his parents were camping. 4th of July weekend we met his parents to camp for the weekend. The Monday following he texted me saying he was going to come out and surprise me and come see me but he got paged to go into work so he couldnt. Between Tuesday and Friday night, I didn't see him and we talked very little. Friday night I told him I had access to my car and I was on the way to see him. He said "i dont think you should come out im hanging with keith (his best friend" but i told him I was already half way there.

I get to his house and find him on the computer, and I could immediately see something was wrong. He wasn't responding like normal and he was acting like he had no idea who I was. Eventually we go into his room to go to sleep and he just starts crying and says He can't do this and it's to much. I'm sitting there tryign to tell him its okay we can do this just relax I can help you, and eventually we fall asleep. The next morning, he was going skateboarding with his friends and I usually go with them. He told me he didn't think I should go with them and I should just go home.

I started getting dizzy and I started crying and on my drive home I had to pull over and I had my second panic attack landing me in the ER. Mike was hesitant to come to my side but eventually ended up at the hospital with me.

Later that night he called and told me he needed space. The week following was Hell for me and then eventually he told me he was coming over to get his stuff and it was over. I was floored. I still am. I spent the next few days trying to show him this can work and it doesn't have to be like this. He says theres "certain things that cant be fixed"

Tuesday after work I told him I wished I was driving out to see him and he said I could. It was the first time I had seen him since the panic attack when he told me to go home. I went there and he started curling up to me and I automatically thought he wanted to fix things. I started crying and askign him why this was happening and what was going on and all he could do was hold me and wipe my tears away. I leave the next morning and he said he was sorry for the night before. He comes over later in the day to "pick up his stuff" but he ended up falling asleep in my bed curled up next to me and he didnt bring any stuff home with him.

After all that he texts me saying the past 2 nights were a mistake and that this is OVER over and he doesnt wanna patch things up and i cant convince him to or anything.

I've tried to reason with him and he won't communicate. I've honestly never felt so lost in my life. He's been the constant in my life for the past year and out of no where its just gone. I feel like the ground has been pulled from beneath my feet. I know this probably sounds like First Love heart break but it's not and it makes me dizzy and nauseous when people say that.

He wants me to hate him, so its easier for him to let go, but I can't he hasn't done anything to make me hate him. I wish I could just get through to him and help him. He won't tell me anything and it's messing with me.




So thats update 1. Next post will be about how overwhelming everything else is and my struggle with trying to find professional help.


Please don't think I'm just sitting here to vent and make everyone feel bad for me. I have issues telling people things in fear that they won't care and that they'll turn around and say "i don't want to deal with your problems I have my own" I hope this forum can help me see that people are caring and will help.


-Meghan

[megveg]

heres number two.

since my accident i've felt more alone then i've ever felt in my life and like i couldnt communicate to anyone therefore feeling trapped. ive tried to tell my mom to help me find a doctor (because my whole life shes taken care of that type of thing) and she keeps telling me to do it myself. the one thing i could REALLy use help for and she wont help me. i talked to my aupportive aunt and she gave me the number to her psychatrist and i called him and he returned my call but i missed it so i called again and left a message and he should get back to me monday.

i also called the mental heath office for my regular doctors office (my PCP gave me the number) and they said the psychologist couldnt see me till September....after i got off the phone with them i almost had an attack because i needed help NOW and not months from now. I got in contact with the counceling office at my furture college and made an appointment but cancelled the first appointment i made because i woke up anxious and tweaking out and i didnt feel comfortable driving in that condition. im going to call them back and make an appointment but i dunno what i should do...the counceling office at school said ic ant have a regular psychologist/psychatrist and use their services but what if i dont like the psychatrist? what if the person at my PCPs referral works for me? what if I like the person at my college?

another thing that makes me nervous/anxious is the whole heath insurance thing situation. i know nothing about co-pays or my coverage other than im still covered under my dads insurance cuz im a full time student, and my PCP copay is 5 dollars. my card said mental heath co pay is $10 but i have no idea whos covered or what. it makes my head spin.

im worried about my mental and physical heath. im overweight for my age/size and im not trying to be like Oh im so fat and im not, my doctor is worried about my weight. im an extremely picky eater and i cant find 'healthy' foods i like. i know when i get my student ID (at orientation agu 20th which im waiting anxiously for, i feel like time is going by SO slowly) i get free range of the gym there and i cant wait. ive never ever felt motivated to work out but i REALLy want to now. but i know thats not it i need to eat right too. i need to find help with that.

on the school subject im looking for a laptop because i have issues with auditory learning and in college its mostly lectures. I cant write by hand what i hear as fast as its being said, so im getting worried and anxious over starting school without a laptop to type out what i hear and missing important information cuz i cant hand write fast enough.

any suggestions on healthy food and laptops would be great.


I hope people from the other thread jumpt onto this one because this is the one ill be updating.

[megveg]

and I found that even though its NEVER on (the long version anyway) the new Discovery Channel commercial makes me very happy and relaxed and it takes all my anxiety away.

It's the one with the cute song that's like this

I love the mountains,
I love the clear blue skies
I love big bridges
I love when great whites fly
I love the whole world
And all its sights and sounds

Boom-de-yadda, boom-de-yadda
Boom-de-yadda, boom-de-yadda

I love the oceans
I love real dirty things
I love to go fast
I love Egyptian kings
I love the whole world
And all its craziness

Boom-de-yadda, boom-de-yadda
Boom-de-yadda, boom-de-yadda


I love tornadoes
I love arachnids
I love hot magma
I love the giant squids
I love the whole world
It's such a brilliant place

Boom-de-yadda, boom-de-yadda
Boom-de-yadda, boom-de-yadda
Boom-de-yadda, boom-de-yadda
Boom-de-yadda, boom-de-yadda

[Pamster]

Wow, it sounds like you've been having a rough time of it this summer. I am sure losing your boyfriend was hard, but you need to look after yourself right now. It sounds like you're doing the right things in seeking help. Panic attacks are simply awful, so are accidents, and the resulting trauma. My heart goes out to you Meghan. (((((((hugs)))))))

I am sure talking about it will help, talking makes me feel better for a little while.

[megveg]

Originally Posted by Pamster

Wow, it sounds like you've been having a rough time of it this summer. I am sure losing your boyfriend was hard, but you need to look after yourself right now. It sounds like you're doing the right things in seeking help. Panic attacks are simply awful, so are accidents, and the resulting trauma. My heart goes out to you Meghan. (((((((hugs)))))))

I am sure talking about it will help, talking makes me feel better for a little while.

Im trying my hardest to put myself before other things but I feel like everything is overwhelming because I have to do it alone. Everything is so dizzying.

[Mari]

Hi,
Were you diagnosed as an auditory learner in high school?
Do you have any paperwork for that?

Your college probably has a Disabilities Office (each school calls it something else). Call the Dean of Students Office -- or whatever that office is called at your school.
Or simply call that counseling office again and tell them you need to talk to them about your special situation.

You can register with that office that you are an auditory learner. Then you can get permission to record lectures if you want -- that way you do not have to worry about typing every word.

You might even get permission for someone else to take notes for you.

Also, you can let them know that you get panic attacks.

Look into the services that the school provides. You do not have to do this by yourself. The school can help you in ways that you have not considered yet.

Mari

[bizi]

Dear Meg,
Welcome to the forums.
It sounds like you have had some stressors to deal with, but you are a strong woman and I know that you will be able to be ok through this stressful time right now.
Make an appointment with a pdoc for as soon as you can...then go back to your mdoc and ask her to prescribe something to help you with your anxiety when it gets really bad. YOur regular doctor can do this temporarily until you get into see a pdoc.
Do you usually get along with your parents? Still live there?
Have any siblings? any pets to give and get hugs from?
It sounds like you are taking all of the right steps to getting better...
keep posting/talking/venting...
we will listen to you.
bizi

[DiMarie]

Hi Meg,
Firt things you need to do what I am guilty of is prioritizing. Make a list of the first needs and the ones that can wait a few days.
On the back of you health card is a telephone no. I found mine under mental health coverages on there. My PCP did give me the name of two doctors and they were likewise months away. But then I got a cancellation to a lady right up the road from me last month. They will ahve a list of no. If you find a community ase one you can get in sooner. See the PCP though to have input on a medication asap. If is too tough on the heart to do it alone, let the PCP help.

My son needed some help asap and he went with the county system as he had no job and no health care. They went by a 0 income for him. My older daughter went there a few years ago and she had insurance. They had a doctor there she saw but worked with a therapist.

On school disability. I contacted the office of vocational rehabilatation and went through an intake. I had applied for SSDI also. But voc rehab had my doctors records for treatments for disabilities like carpal tunnel and whiplash nerve issues, panic attacks and the back and knee issues.

I went to the disabilites office at school and they took the doctors note for disabilities. I was accomadated with the use of a tape recorder for my lectures. I found it was better to out line notes. I had a pre print outline , the topic and sub topics. Another thing was being able to take test in the center. I could take my time or even use software to dictate.
I received funds for college too....I had to report every month for a few minutes when voc rehab came on campus to check in.

It may seem like some endless appointments and even some medications. But it is too hard to cope without them. finding a good one that does not tire, calms the thoughts and lets you focus is good.
I also took three classes not the five full time. I am glad that I did it that way. If you take the five, try to get a job at college to help defray driving. There are a lot of them available.

Take a week with school starting so soon to take care of yourself. The phone no. on the card, the disabilities office and the office of vocational rehab area enough of a start to consider.

There are going to be so many guys that you will meet at school. From all over, fresh ideas and bright. Soon all this heart ache and fretting over Mike will be in the past. Sounds like he needs time and distance.
No matter what you share, feel you have caring ears. Even if we don't have the answeres you have our support and thoughts to share.
BIG HUGS GF
Dianne

[Mari]

Originally Posted by megveg

my card said mental heath co pay is $10 but i have no idea whos covered or what. it makes my head spin.

Hi,
Are you asking about specific psychiatrists?
If you call their office, they will tell you if they are covered by your insurance. They know.

Also, your insurnace card has a 1-800 number or a web site. You can find out by using the phone or the internet to see the long list of names of people in your zipcode/ town who are covered.

Mar

[houghchrst]

Welcome Meg, I hope you find what you need here.

Take good care of yourself, take a few moments for yourself here and there to collect your thoughts and just get a couple of relaxing breaths. Especially when you feel yourself getting out of control.


You are going through a real transitional period in your life and it can be very stressful.


(Gee lol I am so good at giving advice lol, maybe I would do well to follow it lol.)