[waves]

Hi guys.

Well. I was getting nauseous with anxiety thinking about going to therapy today. So just now i called and cancelled. to think i was worried about cancelling "late" . this is as late as it gets! except for perhaps missing the bus.

I didn't actually talk to my pdoc. it is 1.30pm here - lunchtime. i left voice mail. i know i sounded guilty as sin which is how i feel too. I said i was sorry for the late notice but i just couldn't make it to therapy today, and repeated, "i just can't make it." no specifics. i did not want to make up some excuse. and i doubt he will think i am physically ill because if i were, i would typically state my ailment. so i believe he will figure it is emotional in some way.

i left off saying forgive me, and i am really sorry, then used a generic term for being in touch soon that doesn't imply who should initiate. so, he may decide to call me to see what is up, but i think he will probably leave it up to me.

now on top of nauseous i feel like a dirty rat. i am glad i am not going though. i think i will eat something. it might quell the stomach.

~ waves ~ the wimp

[waves]

i shook my head. he said you sure? i shook my head again.

i have been watching/listening to youtube vids. the last one was a tribute for Syd Barrett. actually the very last one was the G-o-d / D-o-g song posted on the music thread.

i am crying now so i will do something else.

like eat more or something. i feel so awkward.

~ waves ~

[befuddled2]

Waves, try not to feel too guilty. I believe we all need some time to ourselves at moments. I'm not sure of the reason you didn't want to go but the way I think it is I've been there. Tell yourself over and over and prepare mentally to make it a next appointment. If you didn't go because there might be issues between you and therapist then that is a different story.

Waves

befuddled2

[waves]

thank you for the comforting words and the hugs . yes the fact is there are issues in the relationship right now. or actually on how therapy is being done and negative impact on me. there was some discussion of it in the job-ad thread, because it kind of spun off from my talking with him about my application. but it brought up some general anger about his way of "applying" CBT.

anyway, i have been very emotional and i got really emotional last time. angry with him.

~ waves ~

[waves]

i got called away for dinner so never got to post this or my answer to Barbara (written around 5pm my time)

i just got a call from my pdoc wondering where i was. my appointment was at 4.30. turns out, MY VOICEMAIL DIDN'T GET THERE! AACKKK!!! i was shaking like a leaf talking to him. i told him i didn't have the flu or a migraine or anything, that i just couldn't handle doing therapy today. and i said even if he had got my voicemail, i only left it at lunchtime and was sorry about cancelling so late but i had not foreseen feeling this bad about going.

i was stammering on the phone. he said not to worry. we left it at getting in touch soon, nothing specific, no appointment at this time.

i feel a bit better after having talked to him in person. perhaps it was a boon that the voicemail didn't get there, or he probably would not have called.

i do not know when i will be ready to see him. i need a break even though i do feel less angry.

~ waves ~

[Mari]

Dear Waves,

Yes, I'm glad you stayed home.
The nausea was a clue that your body had something to say.
When I have an appt change like that I stay upset for a while.

I hope that you will be ok.
Don't worry about the pdoc. He doesn't have bipolar. He'll manage.

Mari

[befuddled2]

Waves, I'm sorry I missed the discussion about your therapist in the job thread. I have trouble with being able to read to keep up with everything. I am worried that I may be in the early stages of alheimzers as hard as it is for me to focus and remember.

I wish I knew what to tell you about the issues you have with the therapist. I am not good with handling issues with people so I haven't a clue what to say.

I wish you well. I do want to say that communicating your concerns with the therapist might be good but I don't know. I know that lack of communication is worse than good communication from personal experience.

befuddled2