Dear Bobby,
The bike might be good.
I think I'd use one if I had one set up for me. (that was pretty cool about meeting Paula).

M.

Sweet Bobby,

My son, my beautiful son, is in his mid-twenties. He has been diagnosed as bi-polar. I honestly don't know if I agree or not, but that really doesn't matter, what matters to me is how he feels, how he is coping in his life, and if he is letting himself feel worthy of love. You also make me remember how I thought and felt when I was younger (much, much younger). I'm old now. Choral question: "How old are you"? I'm so old I had to invent rocks so I had something to throw when I played fetch with my dinosaur!

I don't know about you or your life, but your words are so honest it is jarring to read them. I remember having feelings that felt to me as strong as yours sound. Can I share with you some of the things I've learned, some observations, some thoughts that have come to me while reading your words? 1. Fight like hell to stay alive no matter what. If you ever feel like hurting yourself, do whatever it takes to make sure you don't. Life can be good, some of us just have to work harder than others to get there. But that's cool, cuz when we get there, we really appreciate it. There is great value in that appreciation. It's like eating steak, or fresh fruit, or smelling a flower for the first time... after a lifetime of hunger, of processed crap food, or living in a cement jungle. Oh, it can be sweet. 2. Don't give away your power, don't let anyone else dictate how you feel in your own skin and about your life, don't give it to anyone. If someone wants that, they are not a good person and you should run, run, run...away from them no matter how they package themselves.
More stuff I learned....
You mentioned your nephew that made the Jonestown comment. You want to know something "funny" (not hah hah funny, but the "can you even believe it" funny)? I'd bet a buck-fitty as my son says that your nephew doesn't even remember that...in fact, he could even possibly deny it and honestly believe he is telling the truth.
And....
3. I believe "brain troubles" come in many different packages, so to speak. You and I are not the only ones who have trouble in that area. I believe EVERYONE, every single living, breathing, heart beating human being has brain problems. Some of us are more expressive about it, more aware of it, more sensitive to it, some of us simply revel in the stuff of being alive...feeling pain, sadness, joy, love, peace, grief...these are all a part of this mind-bending experience called human life. What a trip it is!

4. You are the boss of you. The important part is that these feelings are not in charge of you. You are the boss of them. Strong feelings can sneak up on us and sometimes take over before we can stop them, so sometimes they might have to run their course to some extent. But as soon as you can, take charge and do whatever it is you have to do to be stronger than them as soon as you are able. You have plans for pulling yourself out of a funk, right? I draw. Most of it is really crap, and I know it, but I really like doing it and it helps me calm myself. It's awesome that every once in a while I create something that just astounds me, which is a great perk, but not necessary. It distracts me long enough to stop the cycle of thinking that is harmful to me. We become what we practice, our brains do that. You'll get better and better at taking control the more you do it. It's very cool when you experience being able to pull yourself out of a cycle intentionally! I contend all create artists across every genre are dealing with a loose nut or two. You just gotta find what helps you take control of it instead of it controlling you. Painting/drawing just helps me sooooo much.

Bi-polar, depression, anxiety, ocd, adhd, rage disorders....blah blah blah blah blah....they are real, and they can mess us up for sure, but they do not define us. YOU ARE NOT BIPOLAR. You have it, you are not it. There's a big difference and you'd be amazed what a difference in your self image you'll develop if you repeat that to yourself every day. These "disorders" are strong, strong, strong sometimes, I know. Mine have gotten the better of me when I was a young girl. Now these are simply skeletons in my closet ...because I was fortunate enough to survive long enough to find the value in learning about my own disorders and then finding ways to limit how they harm me.

My argument, or perhaps I should say my perspective is that we are all head cases, and there are degrees of these, there are influential factors which can help us feel much more nuts and much less nuts. Learn what they are and take away as many things as possible that feed your anger, rage, sadness, etc., and find good things to do instead. Is recovery possible? I don't think that actually as relevant as others might. My question to that is...recovery of what? The human condition? Passion? What recovery means for each one of us is a different thing. For me, "recovery" means loving myself and showing love to others. The rest of it just doesn't matter enough to sacrifice that "recovery".

In the end, dear Bobby, you are alive and have such a beautiful way of expressing the rawness you feel. Find ways to do it that are not harmful. Negative thought cycles give birth to only one thing, they reproduce by division: so try to pull yourself out using intentional steps you've put in place that you know bring you comfort. No drugs, internet sex, gambling, etc...those are distracting but feed the same monster cycle. Find something, investigate Mozart type music...you'd be amazed what closing your eyes and really listening to it can do to you. Investigate different artists...Joan Miro, Picasso...read their stories, read Latin American history...those times were ruled by true monsters!!! My point is, these things will titillate areas of your brain that will compete with your bipolar disorder's strength. Read about the way the brain works, how we can control much more than most of us thought possible.

Why do I suggest all of these things? Because I didn't do any of this until I was in my forties...after a terrible 20 year marriage, left penniless, broken, powerless...or so I thought. More than anything I was RAW. But that actually ended up making me vulnerable...a lot like a field plowed for seeding. Fortunately, I decided to go to school, in between crying jags, and so it was like I planted good seeds instead of just letting weed seeds plant themselves. You remind me so much of myself and so I wanted to share this with you because I believe you could probably be an incredible abstract artist, putting those emotions on paper in colors, shapes, in various mediums....I bet you could write incredible fictitious stories or poems...putting all of that energy, all that life, out there for the rest of the world to experience. I also believe you may be more able to learn than you thought in the past. My father told me it was a good thing I was pretty....cuz I certainly wasn't very bright. I just graduated college with an Associates degree in Science, one in Liberal Arts, and a Bachelor's in Education...although there are not any teaching jobs available, I went as much to gain an education as I did to prove to myself that my father was wrong about me. And in the meantime I learned about all of the awesome things I mentioned above and more. After it was all done, i'd realized that I had been so distracted trying to learn and get good grades and keep the power turned on that my "mental illness' issues had taken a back seat to a bunch of other great things.

Some people seem to focus only on material gain. I pity them. You don't seem to do that, you care deeply about matters of right and wrong. In my book, you have it over the materialistic people. You've been wronged and feel tremendous angst at times, yet you do not act on your emotions in ways that hurt people. How many people use a million different excuses to perpetrate harm on victims who never hurt them at all? Many of them wear suits and never serve a day in prison, either. So, you have it all over those folks. This world is pretty messed up, and a lot of people are too, so don't let any one tell you what is important and/or good except yourself...when in doubt, read a bunch of different perspectives and create your own belief system, picking and choosing what you believe is GOOD.

What I hear when reading your posts is someone who feels deeply, but is clearly SANE and GOOD because you do not act out at the risk of others attempting to find relief, because somehow you know that this would not bring relief, only more suffering, and you have the sense to stick to what you know is right. I also hear some hurt and a longing for love, but if my experience has taught me anything, you are not quite "there" yet cuz you have some other, more important, stuff to do. Read, Learn, Expand your mind....You have to begin to feel self acceptance and self love, which for me at least did require forgiving some people for some very terrible things. I also had to take risks and remove myself from situations which really were inhibiting my own personal growth, even though it scared me a lot and caused me great pain initially. I just kept telling myself to put one foot in front of the other...and had to for many years. But now, here I am, feeling like I am finally the person I was meant to be. It feels good, and I do good things with my life now because it feels right.

I'm sorry for going on so long Bobby, but I feel a kinship with you and I am proof you can become who you wish to be. It's not easy, duh, it is not supposed to be easy! It's supposed to be life, and life has been a struggle from the very first moment it began. But it's worth it, and it's definitely better than the alternative, right?!

Peace to you Bobby,

litl

thank you so very much. I have to print out your reply because there is so much to digest. I am almost sixty six and just get hit by such a wall of anger besides depression. yesterday i finally said i didn't care anymore and didn't want to try anymore but here i am.....
I am so glad for you. what a spirit you must have! did you do it by yourself? you do have faith?
Bobby

I think you posted to me at the right time even though i am severely depressed and filled with rage. God always seems to be the answer for me and even though I finally got angry at God it didn't last long. Bipolar has to be a gift from God.....it makes me want to draw closer to God. There seems to be nothing else....Hopefully when i feel a bit better and after i see the pulmonary doctor on wednesday I will start doing some writing in this area and maybe in the writing will be able to help other bipolars or severely depressed people who at times feel so helpless with no way out. today i wanted to die so badly
thanks again
raging bobby

"Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul
remains unawakened." - Anatole France"Life's journey is not to arrive at the
grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally
worn out, shouting"...holy ****...what a ride!" - Erma Bombeck

Oh, Bobby,
This is awful.
Maybe the Depakote will help you.
Do you have a decent tdoc?

I wish you had more people in your life that were good for you.
Mostly I wish that you felt better.

Mari

thank you so much. yesterday i really crashed.....i don't think it was bipolar..i just became paralysed again and hit such a terrifying low. once again I was terrified of death and saw nothing in life. You are right I need more people in my life who are good for me. Since i felt how much my parents beat me up I can't seem to tolerate any questionable treatment of me. it is almost like a slash and burn and I don't have many friends left and am not connected with any groups. I like my psychiatrist and now my therapist. I like her a lot and really look forward now to my visits every other week. She hasn't mentioned shower since I told Dr.M that i wanted to get rid of her.
My housekeeper who i see twice a week (I pay 75 cents an hour ) through the department of aging and I talk a lot. The woman who calls me every week is a real doll. We talked about her kitty cat Buddy who has a bad heart murmur, stomatitis and suffers from bad anxiety and then winds of spraying.
She has moved four times in the past five years because of him, Now she has a six foot cage which he lives in and she washes the wall every day. She has also become a sort of observant orthodox Jew but doesn't like to use the word orthodox. That is why it was so strange that i spoke for an hour with her on thursday and then had such a terrifying feeling on friday. Then I started telling myself dogs and kitty cats aren't afraid of death and welcome it when it is time but not before. I told myself to try to stop thinking about nothingness. I don't believe in nothingness because life is so very complex i just believe it will end that that will be that. then i got out of bed to go to the pharmacist to get klonopin and depakote. I thought that i might be partially reacting to not having klonopin the day before. Usually i have Maria go to the pharmacy for me. anyways a miracle or what i call a miracle happened. In the elevator I ran into a long time neighbor who has emphysema..she looks better than she has ever looked-really adorable-and there were no outward signs that she had it. We exchanged greetings and then i told her i was hanging on. i told her i was seeing a pulmonary doctor on wednesday. she asked who. I told her and she said that was her doctor and she has been seeing him since 2002. she said he is brilliant and CARING AND SO KIND. she kept on raving about him and said i would be in very good hands. i took it as a miracle since a half an hour before i was so terrified and isolated.I am far too sensitive for my own good and I think way too much and my parents really did emotionally beat me up and robbed me of security. the bipolar just exacerbates it. i wonder if it causes the hyper sensitivity. maybe my parents couldn''t have gotten to me if i weren't bipolar and so vulnerable.
bobby

Dear Bobby,
You sound like you are having a terrible time.
I send you healing vibes.


That's good news about the pulmonolgist.
M.

thanks for the healing vibes. i am really doing a number on myself. this morning i was accusing myself of being jealous of a friend who dog sits because she has all these cute dogs she takes care of. I had to examine it more closely to realize i really wasn't jealous of her because sitting for a dog is so far different from experiencing the bond between you and your dog...that is what i miss. at least i can't attack myself for being jealous of all the people who appreciate that bond they have.
i started talking to my friend again. i couldn't stand the loneliness. last night another friend called and she gave me a lecture on faith etc.....
i read some scarey religious stuff this morning...I have to remember God is merciful.
bobby

I am afraid of death...hubby is not he said he looks forward to meeting god! and he is an atheist!