i am so glad you are reading some of the writings....i am sorry they are Jewish but maybe if you drop out the Jewishness they would still be powerfully wonderful. I like the way he emphasises joy....

I am not going to the therapist. I haven't slept yet. I found out why the check wasn't deposited. It is deposited every fourth wednesday of the month and not by a date.

bobby

Dear Bobby,

That's good about the rent check.
I enjoyed the writings.
Holy men who are mystics share important ideas from other religions outside their own.

Hubby might like the free book you linked to but I hesitated telling him about it
because he might try to buy the some of print books of Rabbi Nachman to feed his compulsion to buy books.
At one time he was looking for books from wise men from different
cultures and time periods.

This sounds so sad.
You sound down now and out of hope.
You are courageous to consider trying something new.

People do loose weight on the Atkins initially (Diet is hard to stick to so they gain some of it back when they go back their old diet) and it might even improve your mood.

The first two days or so of almost no carbs (dark greens and other veggies like asparagus and broccoli are fine I think), people can go through mood changes.
I think some folks report being alert and more energetic than usual.

M.

I am glad you enjoyed the writings. he is really upbeat isn't it. I guess I am like your husband. There is really enough on the neat of his teachings. I just bought another one of his books and am bidding on another of his books and book the book with shipping which will cost me 23 dollars. I figure if he can make me upbeat it is worth it.
I just adore the woman who calls me as a volunteer once a week. We are going to talk about the teachings of rabbi Nachman. We talk about everything. Even sex lol. We spend a lot of time talking about her kitty cat who would be put to sleep if she returned him to the shelter where she got him. When he is anxious he sprays and he has a huge heart murmur. I can't remember if I repeated myself so she had to buy him a six foot cage since she really destroyed her previous apartments. She is studying to be a social worker now and will be grand.
I bought more books on the atkins diet. I have been eating so much. yesterday i ate so much bacon. I am still drinking coffee and half and half. I am afraid if the pulmony doctor thinks it is my weight and anxiety causing my breathing problems I have to lose weight as a solution and the atkins diet might be the only way for me. I have to get decaf. I just seem to be so anxious these days....i am getting more sleep. finally i took a nap one day. that was a first in a long time
bobby
ps i am back to also reading the I Ching

i am so stressed out. the nurses haven't called from the pulmonary doctor's office to okay the two other tests and i can't stand it. i am supposed to have an appointment to go over the tests on wednesday and will have to cancel it since there are no tests. i am scared of the tests and so f#$king furious that the nurses haven't gotten the approval for my taking them. one is supposed to last three hours which really scares me and which i don't know how i will last through.
i also canceled a temporary session with my therapist today. right now the only thing i think that can help me is losing weight and i am trying the atkins diet but not strictly on it. i am still on caffeine. i just made myself coffee. i am afraid i might gain more weight
Abby is jumping all over me. I was dreaming of talking birds.
Steve gave me a pep talk today. He is in phenomenal shape. I found out he also does 200 situps...He is not pressuring me to lose weight or anything like that, he is just telling me it is attainable to get back in shape since i was once so athletic. Well, it is having a strange affect on me. I think i have spent a lot of time through reading and listening through music escaping what bad shape i am and how little i have been participating in life and now he is making me face it more. the more i am facing it the more my bipolar seems to rage and the more scared i am getting.
bobby

hey bobby
 

heck i hope those nurses get their act together.

you will do the caffeine when you are ready - by the way, i did not go completely cold turkey - i did rip it out completley in february, but sometime last year i had already halved my intake a lot. i don't know how you will do this using brewed coffee - what i do is make cups that are part decaf, part caf - can be 50-50, or 1/4-3/4, or 1/3-2-3 more of one, less of the other - to spread out the intake during the day.

Maybe you can keep the brewed kind with caffeine, and find a GOOD brand of instant decaf, to blend with. just a thought.

but you know, do it when you are ready. do one thing at a time don't stress out over this. same with the fitness too, that Steve is telling you you can regain.

for now, just allow yourself to process these ideas as "open doors." when you are ready you can approach them and walk through, at your own pace... there is no minimum speed... no progress police will fine you for going too slow or idling in the doorway for a while. :p

love

~ waves ~

i seem to be speeding somewhat and don't have a sense of pace. i feel bombarded on all sides. the only thing i know is that i look forward to the weekly conversations i have with margery, my cheery volunteer. i feel normal when i talk with her and even if i am manic it doesn't feel that way because she keeps up with me and is so reassuring. you know what i mean.
i will call the nurses first this at nine. I can't find one of the sheets they gave me so even if they get the appointments, i won't know where to go for a couple of the tests. one test said it could take over four hours for asthma etc.
then i was reading something interesting about green tea early this morning and it said it might help lose weight...there is a chance it might be good for the atkins diet.
i don't think my medications are working. i am sort of afraid of going out. i feel so out of control. i don't remember feeling this bad. i guess i am trying to process too much.
love you
bobby

i called the nurse and started sobbing and apologized. i told her i was bipolar and had generalized anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress and medical stuff really gets to me and i think i lost a paper. she said to relax and i said i couldn't. she said she would have the office manager call me back today
bobby

Dear Bobby
 

i am so sorry you are feeling this badly. i hope at least the office manager calls back soon about your tests and straightens things out and is kind to you in the process. i am cooking right now (egg-zucchini-potato thingie) i will post a bit more later. sending you some (((HUGS))) and soothing vibes for now.

love

~ waves ~

dear bobby,
I am sorry that you are feeling this vulnerable...I hate it when I have testings to take and you have been dealing with them all along the way. You can do this....just take it in small steps....I am hoping by now that you have gotten a call back.
((((HUGS)))):hug:
bizi

thanks. still haven't gotten a call back. i don't know what the problem is. there are three more tests and can't find the paper to one. what a mess
bobby