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Old 12-16-2009, 05:10 PM   #1
mymorgy
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my anger is coming out left and right. i don't know what to do and if it is healthy or not. at a lot of times I don't want to live. then at other times there are books i want to read and i want to play with my cats. my psychiatrist said it was important for me to have a routine but when i was working and had a routine i was still very depressed. i forgot to tell him that.
i just found out that my youngest nephew lives less than ten blocks away from me. he was never a high achiever because his two older brothers were super high achievers. they both went to harvard, learned japanese and even did some work in Japan. I think they are both easily millionaires. I just found out that the youngest went back to school and got his mba and is now a financial analyst and is on tv and highly quoted and is on his way to become a millionaire. when he was little he had an ant as a pet. his esteem was that low. then he said he was happy with the murder at jonestown when it happened. eeks
bobby
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Old 12-17-2009, 01:52 AM   #2
bizi
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well I am glad that you are getting out some anger, maybe journalling it would help?
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one day at a time....
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Old 12-17-2009, 02:19 AM   #3
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I think it is too!
Just this morning I asked a friend who is bouncing of the walls with anger and frustration related stress to do some deep breathing exercises.
Do you know of any? Otherwise juat google PRANAYAM.
Should help. Good for anxiety and depression as well.
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I started to write so I could keep a track on my thoughts. This particular Lupus flare has turned my life on its head. Although I am pretty content with this enforced solitude, I have a constant dialogue going on within myself. So I thought I'd write it all down.


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I hope you enjoy reading it when you can.
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Old 12-17-2009, 04:37 AM   #4
waves
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Heart Dear Bobby

I am not sure that i have any good suggestions this morning. I am upset and having trouble concentrating. trying to plod forward best i can.

i wish for you more "life" moments of wanting to read and play with the kitty cats. i adore kitty cats. PRRRRRRRHHHH.

anyway, i mostly wanted to stop in and say i am listening and also leave you some (((HUGS))).

you will be in my prayers

love

w.
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Old 12-17-2009, 08:38 AM   #5
Mari
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Dear Bobby,
Anger can sometimes be a destructive emotion. But other times it can be healing. Also you can decide to go around the anger or go straight through it.

Is the anger about finding out about your third nephew related to your sister, parents, and your position in the family? Is it helpful to think about what is happening?

What would happen if you called him and met him for a sandwich at a place near you?

When I am having a strong emotional reaction to someone or something, usually I know that I can use that opportunity to learn about myself. (I don't necessarily make the choice to learn, but I am aware that I can -- because seriously, HOW MUCH LEARNING DO I NEED TO GO THROUGH IN THIS LIFETIME ??)

Hugs.
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Old 12-17-2009, 11:47 AM   #6
mymorgy
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can you believe that i am still upset that my youngest nephew was happy about Jonestown and all those kids dying.? My friend said I am very hard on people besides being very hard on myself. I don't like writing journals. It is too much pressure. I wonder how much anger other medicated bipolar people feel. When i wasn't medicated, i felt a lot of irritability and i guess anger. I went back to a higher amount of medication recently because of the anger irritability and appetite.
My close friends have a lot of compassion. I feel very isolated from people who don't and hypocritical when I overlook it. I don't know what to do. My sister has been charming me to me. I got to the point where I needed her back as a sister regardless of everything. I think i am getting to the point of forgiveness towards my mother. I already forgave my father and he did become a hero to me. I CAN'T FORGET.
bobby who hates feeling angry and ungreatful
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Old 12-18-2009, 07:14 AM   #7
Mari
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Dear Bobby,

I don't think that we have to forget or forgive. We can choose to do those depending on what is best for our feelings.

That's good that your sister is being charming to you. (That's a change.)

I don't know what was going on in the kid's head about Jonestown. It was a weird event. You said in your earlier post that he was in low esteem and such when compared to his brothers when he was young.


Do you spend time thinking about whether or not the anger is bipolar or not? Maybe it is something that you have to wear for a little while and it will go away (that might be my strategy -- wait it out).

Your pdoc and tdoc should be able to help you.
Sorry that you are going through this.

M.

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Old 12-18-2009, 08:28 AM   #8
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Heart Dear Bobby

i hate feeling angry and ungrateful too. I feel angry towards my parents a lot in the scrunched situation we are in... stuff comes up... sigh. Yet if it weren't for them i would literally have no place to go right now, and it drives me nutty having negative feelings... there seems to be some superego part of me i guess that is dictating to me that i need to be all-reverent, all-accepting, all-deferent and subservient to them because of this, and falling short in ANY of these areas (i fall short in ALL!) means i am ungrateful. So even though i might actually begrateful, any gratitude i might have gets automatically invalidated. this is so "logical" so left-brained... also very rigid and judgemental besides.

the raw reality is, the emotions we have about ourselves or others don't always go together. they don't tie in neatly with each other. and when we try to make sense of them logically, i think we end up denying parts, or suppressing parts, sort of shaving down a square peg to make it fit a round hole.

anyway i know what you mean about hating how one feels. when i get very angry, even just very angry, i hate that feeling. just that feeling. But i have found that hating it fuels the anger more. What i have done which has helped actually is to pray and ask that my anger be mitigated somehow. Like please God grant me grace, let my anger be tamed by compassion. very simple like that. Sometimes even for myself. because i get angry with myself sometimes. Then i just have to be patient... and remember it is ok to be angry, and that i will get through it to better feelings.

Take care, Bobby. Try not to judge yourself too harshly. I know it's hard, but really... you've lived through a lot and you're living through a lot. You're human and are having human emotions, but that doesn't mean you are bad. Just human. I think being bipolar makes you feel them that much more. But you would probably still feel them if you weren't. But I know...

You have a good heart.

So don't you forget it!

love

~ waves ~
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Old 12-19-2009, 03:54 PM   #9
mymorgy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mari View Post
Dear Bobby,

I don't think that we have to forget or forgive. We can choose to do those depending on what is best for our feelings.

That's good that your sister is being charming to you. (That's a change.)

I don't know what was going on in the kid's head about Jonestown. It was a weird event. You said in your earlier post that he was in low esteem and such when compared to his brothers when he was young.


Do you spend time thinking about whether or not the anger is bipolar or not? Maybe it is something that you have to wear for a little while and it will go away (that might be my strategy -- wait it out).

Your pdoc and tdoc should be able to help you.
Sorry that you are going through this.

M.

M.
i spend a lot of time wondering if the anger is bipolar or not or if it is because for over a year i have been getting about three hours of sleep in 24 hours.
i think we do have to forgive and to forget is divine.....the height of selfishness is to try to forgive lol...isn't that one of the only ways to feel better. I admit to my friend that i am very critical of people and to myself.
i guess if i could think that if everybody were mental disabled i would be less harsh in my judgments. i don't know what is going to happen to my youngest nephew as he grows older. he is in his thirties now and has two little sons. I don't know if i will ever talk to him again. if i do i would love to ask him if his thoughts towards jonestown changed. so once again it would all start up again. Is that bipolar of me? I do like my values. They haven't changed since I was a very young child. Of course there are things about me and actions i have taken that i am not proud of at all. rats.
bobby
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Old 12-19-2009, 04:01 PM   #10
mymorgy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by waves View Post
i hate feeling angry and ungrateful too. I feel angry towards my parents a lot in the scrunched situation we are in... stuff comes up... sigh. Yet if it weren't for them i would literally have no place to go right now, and it drives me nutty having negative feelings... there seems to be some superego part of me i guess that is dictating to me that i need to be all-reverent, all-accepting, all-deferent and subservient to them because of this, and falling short in ANY of these areas (i fall short in ALL!) means i am ungrateful. So even though i might actually begrateful, any gratitude i might have gets automatically invalidated. this is so "logical" so left-brained... also very rigid and judgemental besides.

the raw reality is, the emotions we have about ourselves or others don't always go together. they don't tie in neatly with each other. and when we try to make sense of them logically, i think we end up denying parts, or suppressing parts, sort of shaving down a square peg to make it fit a round hole.

anyway i know what you mean about hating how one feels. when i get very angry, even just very angry, i hate that feeling. just that feeling. But i have found that hating it fuels the anger more. What i have done which has helped actually is to pray and ask that my anger be mitigated somehow. Like please God grant me grace, let my anger be tamed by compassion. very simple like that. Sometimes even for myself. because i get angry with myself sometimes. Then i just have to be patient... and remember it is ok to be angry, and that i will get through it to better feelings.

Take care, Bobby. Try not to judge yourself too harshly. I know it's hard, but really... you've lived through a lot and you're living through a lot. You're human and are having human emotions, but that doesn't mean you are bad. Just human. I think being bipolar makes you feel them that much more. But you would probably still feel them if you weren't. But I know...

You have a good heart.

So don't you forget it!

love

~ waves ~
i really loved your post. i read it six times. i am screaming for you. i don't know if you need it but i am still screaming for you....yes silently since i live in ann apapartment and i don't want to also scare my kitty cats.....
feeling straightjacketed by our feelings...not feeling grateful and feeling guilty because we know we should feel grateful and then feeling rage over the whole f>>king mess. not being able to be true to our emotions since they are all over the place anyways....and that they are not responding to our high ideals. wanting to be a robot in a way and finding that idea totally nauseating because we detest the concept....a bird on the wing...free....no trapped because of our intense emotions and fear at this point and anger leading them onward....YUCK
LOVE YOU
bOBBY
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