now that i am back to taking the regular amount of medication, i don't seem to be angry but brother am i lonely. a close friend invited me to lunch on sunday but i felt too tired to go so i said no even though i love her company.
i have been going for short walks practically everyday with Robert and his dog Mickey...superdog Mickey whom I love....except for last friday and this friday my cleaning woman Maria who i care for comes twice a week. Robert told me to get an echocardiogram. He thinks i should have made more progress with my exercise with him and the shortness of breath. He already went through the procedure of having two stents put into his heart. He now walks four miles a day and carries heavy stuff. brother am i scared about that. i changed my insurance yesterday in case i need the procedure. I called the woman whom i met on the bus but didn't leave my number. she has it but hasn't called me back. I will call her again after the holidays next week and see what happens. I wish i were in love with somebody but whenever i was in love with somebody it was always a very poor choice and brought unsurmountable problems and pain
bobby

Dear Bobby,
I think it is wonderful that you and Robert are walking. He is a good friend. Walking is wonderful with a good companion.

I need to think about this some more.
=-=-=-=
For right now I can say that you do not need to be scared or listen to suggestions from Robert. He can't diagnose you. And maybe he is concerned only because of his own heart issues. Having said that, you do have good access to medical care for tests.

I have EKGs regularly because I am on Verapamil. The tests they do in offices seem to be unreliable. The techs have to do them again and again because the machine is not responding right. Eventually they get a good enough reading to show the doc. Even in the hospital when I went in with chest pains about 5 years ago the doc had to do a series of EKGs over my 24 hour stay. One test (even on good equipment) was not enough. I guess I a saying that an EKG is not going to give a definite answer.
My cleaning lady got a stress test when she turned 50. (She passed she told us ) A stress test is an example of a reliable test.
Have your mdoc do a cardiac work up on you if you want.


M.

Dear sweet Bobby.

Hear Mari's words.

i appreciate your being scared, but maybe you can reframe your friend Robert's concerns as being more a projection of what he went through, and at the same time an expression of caring... FOR YOU. every individual has their own situation. "progress" is relative, and can be slower or faster. Robert is not on your meds, has a different basic physical situation, and is a man. did you know that men build up muscle mass and lose fat faster than women? it is point blank easier (faster) for them to get into shape.

You are doing great walking with him and Mickey the wonderdog. i am so proud of you. Please be proud of yourself with me.

fwiw... i understand your kind of lonely... firsthand.



love

~ waves ~

an ekg is different from an echocardiogram but both are non evasive. I skipped this afternoon's walk because I am slightly nauseated and chilled and it is freezing out.
I forgot if I wrote that the magnesium and melatonin really appear to be working. I am not longer getting just three hours of sleep. last night i think i got about six hours of interrupted sleep. I wonder if this continues how long it will take for me to catch up on sleep. I also started taking calcium which i should have been doing all along since I am taking metformin.
this thing about loneliness is a real b@tch-i don't know how to deal with it and i have never known how to deal with it. i keep on telling myself that i am part of God and i am not really alone and have never been alone because of that.
Mari I don't know what to say about your husband. His behavior appears to keep away his depression....i think in the past you wrote that he doesn't experience depression. I would chose hoarding over depression any day.
Real estate is still so bad and even though you just moved I wonder if you can look for another place and let him have his own room to fill to the ceiling if need be.
Bobby

i think i had always been confused about this... for anyone else who is confused... i looked this up and an EKG (or ECG) is an electrocardiogram. Also, an echocardiogram is sometimes called a cardiac ultrasound.

For more extensive info:

http://www.heartsite.com/html/ekg.html

http://www.heartsite.com/html/echocardiogram.html

thanks for clearing that up, Bobby.

~ waves ~

you mentioned about the sleep, but you hadn't started the calcium yet.

6 hours is decent... i hope it gets you feeling better. i also hope the calcium doesn't interfere with the magnesium (depends on amount and timing). often the intestine tells the tale... i hope this isn't a TMI sort of thing for you... if you get constipated - could be too much calcium, the opposite - too much magnesium. the overall intake (food and supplements) of Ca:Mg should be 2:1, respectively. Since you are taking supplements i would probably have both tested each time you get labs if possible, or every 3 months if your labs are more frequent than that.

i think what you are telling yourself is certainly positive. i am not sure that it will wipe out the feelings. not being alone does not correspond to not feeling lonely unfortunately. and we as humans long for human company. think about it... in Genesis, woman was created to keep man company. we can abstract the "which sex came first" out if you want, but the bottom line is, two were needed. and also think about how we are as animals. we are "normally" made so that procreation requires a mate. it only follows that the instinct to find/have a mate be there within us. in that light your loneliness seems natural.

possibly take it on a moment to moment basis, and not as a life sentence. i try to do that. but trying to fight it squelch it out with being a part of God ... i don't think will work 100%. certainly feeling close to God can help you to bear such loneliness, but i don't think this can annihilate it. because it is a different type of being alone. it is not even a bipolar thing. it is the human condition.

so what i am saying is this: i think that if instead of mentally trying to "eliminate" or discount the loneliness you feel... you rely on your relationship with the divine to help you bear it, the feelings can be attenuated. Conversely, i think that fighting it head-on, trying to squelch it out, can actually exacerbate this loneliness.

love,

~ waves ~

Dear Waves and Bobby,

I am sorry that I messed up and confused those two tests.

I had the echocardiogram when I was in the hospital in July. In my head I called it a sonogram.

M.

but if you hadn't posted as you did, lil' miss waves here never would have realized they were different! (for all the stuff i know... this i didn't! )

so, thank you.

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby,

In the past, times of anxiety for him went along with buying binges.

Since we moved here in August, he has had no buying binges. I'm glad about that. He is more relaxed here. I'm trying to like it here. He loves it. That is good.

He can go to very light depression but more likely to run "up" mood wise. He also has a great deal anxiety that I haven't mapped yet. Perhaps the anxiety runs with the depression. So he is good now.

My role since we met is to help him with the anxiety. Apparently I calm him and I know that he calms me.

I appreciate your post about him.
M.

Dear Bobby,

Does it help to go out and be around people even if you are alone?
That used to work for me for awhile.

I wonder if improved sleep can help with the loneliness -- sounds like a stupid formula (Sorry if that did not make sense). What I mean is that perhaps in some way the sleep might be looking up for you now and maybe other things will start looking up for you too.

M.