Thanks so much, Alffe, for stopping by here and posting the link to the update thread to us as well.

BJ is hugely missed and worried about in this forum. As i guess you can see by the posts.

We will all continue to root for her, pray for her, think of her... and send energy and hugs.

(((BJ)))

~ waves ~

I agree Thank you.

We really miss you BJ>

Donna

thank you for posting this I just caught up with the thread.
((((((HUGS)))))) for our girlie BJ.
bizi

We miss you BJ. BF

BJ
Senior Member




Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,189


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I had a pretty positive outlook when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer but gradually it’s been a struggle lately. A friend died of lung cancer last month. I was hoping she would be a survivor. She lost the battle. Her death has triggered a fear in me that I have never felt before.

I feel like I'm falling apart. I was healthy and energetic, now I feel so exhausted. I've become fearful of the treatments. I don't want to have more poison going into me. I don’t want to be sick constantly, then feel better and do it all over again and take the horrible Neupogen shots. I'm desperately trying to stay positive but feel so defeated. I know this isn't the right frame of mind for this disease but her death just triggered something that I can't pull myself out of.

I see others who are feeling down at this time and maybe part of it is just the time of year. For me, I am starting Taxol, starting Friday for 12 weeks. This is supposed to be the final step before radiation. I have tried to keep a positive attitude through this whole thing. But I feel like this has taken all that I am. I don't have the fight left to make it through chemo every week for 12 weeks. I am in pain. I hate my body. I can't stop crying. I don't understand myself. I feel so terribly exhausted & fatigued. I’m weak to the point I spend most days in bed, cry at least once a day, wake up feeling nauseated and panicky.

It all came to a head on Christmas Eve, I couldn’t take the pain anymore and thought there was only one way out. I was so lonely, wanted my family to be here with me desperately. So I tried to be with them. I’m so ashamed of myself, that’s why I’ve been quiet. Please don’t think less of me, I’m trying so hard and I know "it's" not the answer.

Thank you for all the PMs and notes on my profile thing. I had chemo Thursday and the third day is the worst with the overwhelming fatigue. Please say a prayer that my blood count is high enough and I don’t need those shots. I can’t thank you all enough, I’m sorry for my absence. I felt like no one would understand and more so understand why I do the things I do. I’m just a total mess. I thought of you all during the holidays but I was fearful I would bring you down….but you weren’t far from my heart.

I’m so nauseous and downright exhausted right now, could someone please copy this to the BP forum. They too weren't far from my thoughts and prayers.
__________________
Alley Cat Allies
Save the Cats
The Humane Society of the US


Cats nap, only humans put them "to sleep". Sterilize, don't euthanize!!


BJ



David [posted this for BJ]

Thank you for bringing over BJ's post, David.

Fyi, folks, BJ posted that in her thread over at SOS.

OMG thank you david for posting this.
oh I feel so much for bj our girlie....
I am so sorry that she is suffering so.
I am glad to hear from her even though it is bad news...it is better to have bad news than no news so thank you for posting this.
(((((((HUGS)))))))))
bizi

Dear BJ,
I want good things for you.
We are here with you, pulling for you.
M.

My wish didn't come true, my WBC is only .9 and I have to give myself those shots. I'm sitting here in tears with the needle in my hand thinking why am I doing this, why am I bothering? I know what the outcome will be, why fight it. I'm just so worn out from all this. I need a break.

This is so hard and you have come so far.
You can do the shot, BJ.
You can do that.
Take one moment at a time.
Mari