tonite i experienced so much terror tonite. i called my sister today to see if she wanted to split the cost of saying prayers for my uncle ray who died two weeks ago. she said it was my thing and not hers. she sounded so anxious. her car was dead....it turned into a a dead battery...she hadn't visited her husband in the nursing home in two days...this would be the third day...she was so hyper....she is sixty seven....she is the opposite of me. she is so active it is scarey. I was also looking for getting some feeling of stability from her, I didn't. I got the opposite. Then I wished I were dead even though I am terrified of death. I keep on wondering if I did something so bad to be suffering so much throughout my life. I reflect on a lot of the decisions i made in my life or things I tried to do...egads.....
I see a cardiologist on tuesday....for a consultation. I am terrified about that. I will ask him to recommend a lung doctor. This month I also spent more money than usual. Having prayers said for my uncle will cost money but the rabbi said the shul might be able to subsidize some of the cost. I feel guilty.
bobby a real disaster zone

I'm sorry for the loss of your uncle. Also sorry that your sister could not help you with some strength right now.
I hope that the shul helps you out. Let them --- and try not to feel guilty.

I think sometimes when we feel low, we think we deserve it in some fashion. This is what we hear from others in society and it is horrible.
I don't know about the nature of suffering or the reasons for it. I'm not sure anyone knows. I do remember that some writers have tried to come up with ways to think about it / approach the question.

http://www.gurus.org/dougdeb/Courses...ner/BTmain.htm From Harold S. Kushner: I wish I had power to lift you from the burden of guilt. Are you able to get away from guilt some days / is it worse on other days?

M.

i don't feel guilty that often. tonite i was thinking what did i do that was that bad to suffer so much throughout my life. i have had that recurring thought. here i should be relieved that i finally have some kind of relationship with my sister for the first time really in my life.
the idea of forgiving God sounds like so much hubris.....it really rubs me the wrong way and gets me furious at the guy who wrote that. shouldn't we be the ones asking God for forgiveness for not getting it
bobby

bobby, I am sorry about your Uncle and sister. She sounds really stressed and in a way feel honored that a big sis felt comfortable to let you be the sounding wall, because she needed the younger sis to be the big sis for her. I am sure she never thought about the extra concern it caused you as she is in overload.

Don't give up on hope and the love of others. I will pray for your Uncle, and tell him I am honored that in his family he gave me a dear friend. Next week I will volunteer at a local low income after school program near us in honor of your Uncle.
Maybe I can make it a family day for my family we will be together helping others and we honor your Uncle for all he did in life.

Send that note to your sis, something not expensive, just a joted note that she is a special person, and while she is stressed, to take time for herself, and know that you love her.
di

Dear Bobby,

'Sorry I was not helpful.

I like what Di wrote.

M.

don't apologize Mari. You tried to make me feel better. You didn't know how that guy triggers me. Sometimes I think suffering is a gift from God to bring us closer to him. Then there are times like these when I go on the road of I must have done something really awful to suffer so much.
fond
Bobby

your note was so very beautiful and you don't know how much I appreciate your honoring my wonderful Uncle Ray. When I visited my parents in Hartford and daddy would go into a rage and reduce me to hysterics,my uncle would pick me up after a call from my mother, his sister, and drive me to the train.
When my father had his stroke, my uncle would often pick me up in New Haven(I lived in New York) and drive me to West Hartford. He was a quiet giver and he never ever asked for anything in return.NEVER. he got married late in life and took care of his mother(my grandmother)until her death in her eighties. What a son!
That is an interesting approach to my sister. Even though I was twenty two months younger, when I was about five I was "chosen" to be the caretaker for my father. He was probably bipolar II also but he self mediated with alcohol. I was always the caretaker in the family and then the black sheep.
I am so sorry I couldn't respond sooner. Yesterday I went into a worse terror and just felt so incredibly lonely and scared I didn't have the energy to write back.
Thank you so much
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
I am sorry that you are feeling alone and terrified.
I wish I could take some of that away from you.
You don't deserve any of this suffering....
you have been getting along in life the best that you could.
Accepting this will make it easier for you.
WE all have limitations on what we can do and tolerate and that changes day to day....
please don't punish yourself.
(((HUGS))))
bizi

Oh Bobby, it was just from my heart I care and wish there was something that fixes life to be fair, even easier.

I love how you replied to Mari, you are so right, it is not even that we have words to say, we are there for each other unconditionally.

I don't know which man it is that triggers, I know how after 35 years my ex still feels he has to control and hurt me.
I was a Chief of police and put abusers in jail, yet this man still can trigger in me. I am such a mess from his life affecting ploy right now, but coming here to friends, helps.

I do not need the words, there really are no answers, gosh if we had them we could be Dr. Phil and make mega bucks!!!!
But, just signing on and putting a emotiacon, will keep you able to pull from us the love to face whatever is triggering.

Here is where the heart is
Di

Dear Bobby,

I appreciate your words about your uncle. He was a good man.
Mari