When I was in the Wellness center,I went to one meeting after another. I have mixed feelings about it.

That 2 year period that was talking about was the period of time in which I was withdrawing from Quaalude. It was my idea,but the doctor made me do it cold turkey. I remember those nights,and going out to get beer to help calm me down. That's probably why Quaaludes are not used in this country anymore. They are just to powerful,and addictive.

With the Xanax,it was more like a half a year of withdrawal I tried. My doctor didn't know I was doing this,because my trust in doctors are gone,after what I've been through with the Quaalude sleep medication.

I don't know what else to do but take the Xanax. When they take me off of it,I end up in emergency condition. I was in a hospital years ago,and they though it would be good to take me off Ativan cold turkey,and I had a seizure.
Now I don't trust hospitals.

I just have a shattered memory of all of my life being anxious,and having panic attacks,and depression. Then I slowly developed OCD. For these reasons, I'm alone,have never been married,and don't really have friends. I was misunderstood,am misunderstood,and may die alone,which I don't want. I have no choice, but to live this misunderstood illness. I don't drink anymore,so I don't have friends anymore.

Now they are talking about budget cuts,in schools,and mental health services in my state. I thought that a mental health parity bill was signed. What's happened to the insurence for people from the bottom up Obama was talking about. BF:hug::hug::hug:

I'm upset,and depressed again. I keep getting letters from the IRS. How could our people take Mental Health services away,or cut funding to it? We are people in great need,and they don't care. BF:hug::hug::hug:

sleep deprivation v.s. sleeping at night
 

Dear Mari,

thanks for your kind words. i am glad i didn't scare you. :) I was actually surprised you were looking for sleep meds... since i was aware in the past that you had tried and they didn't work as you would basically choose not to sleep. But yes, sleep deprivation is really awful.

If i may say so, i actually think that something like Zyprexa could benefit you a great deal. not for continuous use, just for occasional use. like maybe on weekends. it is too strong to fight, but of course, you still have the choice not to take it at night. however, for times when you are chronically sleep deprived, you might even consider just using it in the daytime ... i mean, in this case, i see 2 distinctproblems 1. phobia about sleeping at night, and 2. sleep deprivation. just because you don't have a solution for 1 yet, does not mean that you cannot or should not take some steps to fix 2. (because clearly, keeping up the deprivation is not helping you fix 1. anyway, right? Zyprexa is an excellent stabilizer with anxiolytic qualities and will really really take the edge off for a few days... which in turn should mean that any sleep you get (including naps), whenever you choose to get it, will be better quality sleep, and that in turn will feed right back into your overall state of mind.

another possibility comes to mind, but this one won't work except on a very occasional basis. Neurontin (gabapentin). The nice thing about this med is it doesn't interact with anything as it is mostly eliminated unchanged via the kidneys. i used to use it prn for sleep. first night 300 would work. second or third night i'd have to up it to 600 and after that the hypnotic effect would mostly go away. others may have a different experience with it... i don't know. for some 100mg is enough to cause sleepiness. also, while the very first time in my life that i had it, it nearly knocked me on my butt w/in a half hour, subsequently, it did not make me sleepy for about 4-5 hours. that's just weird, with a half life of 5-7 hours. :confused: maybe my body eliminates it more slowly... :rolleyes:. anyhoo. the following day i also would feel refreshingly relaxed. however, this med is fightable if one has the inclination to do that... just tossing it out there.

i just hope you can get some sleep, somehow. :o :hug:

~ waves ~

Dear Steve
 

Dear Steve,

for anxiety, ever heard of buspirone (brand name BuSpar)? i have a friend who took it (or maybe is still taking it i don't know. anyway he found it worked wonders for his anxiety. it is non-addictive. withdrawal from the benzo's still has to be done because this med is not similar to the benzo's and will not cover withdrawal reactions.

should you ever decide to try to come off Xanax again, for any reason though, it would be best to switch you to Valium from Xanax. even if it is a slightly higher dose than what would be the Xanax equivalent - because coming of Xanax, as you found out on your own skin, is just very very tough. some people can run the gauntlet, but others run into a brick wall with it, like you did. and it is not your fault either. that is because 1, it is short acting, and there is no working around that. 2, it is very potent, and the dosages to taper smoothly would need to be broken down in smaller fractions that 0.25mg... which, especially in the latter part of the taper, becomes a significant amount. valium is longer acting so it doesn't produce the peaks and troughs in action that Xanax does. Also, and 20mg = 1 mg of Xanax. that means that 1mg Valium = 1/20th (i.e. 0.05) mg Xanax - you see how that is a much, much smaller dose than you could ever break the smallest Xanax pill into!

it makes me mad that, in spite of taking the Xanax, you still have to face the panic and anxiety! urghhh!!!! that is like the worst of both worlds! but i do understand how you got there, and it is not your fault.

for the long term, like Mari says, it would be good if you could get into a DBT program... but i'm not sure how available those would be. you would have to inquire with your local health services/pdoc/hospital.

wishing you well.

~ waves ~

Dear Steve,

:hug: :hug: :hug:


You know if a meeting is working for you or not.
Maybe in the future you can try again at a different place.

Do you need to go off Xanax?
Are you worried about it?


I looked up mental health parity because you mentioned it. It took effect on January 1, 2010 but it left enforcement of the details up to each state. Essentially, the law is very weak.
I'm not clear about Medicare and Medicaid because they are under a different set of laws and are also left to each state.
I couldn't find what I am looking for. I also got angry again about our government.

Our society needs to place a greater value on its people.

I want to live in a world where people are healthy and cared for.

M.

BuSpar
 

Dear Steve and Waves,
I think Pamster is on Buspirone. In a post somewhere months ago she said she was doing well on it.


M.

Steve
 

i'm sorry if my posts are causing you upsetness about being on Xanax. there is no hurry to do anything. and you don't have to do anything about it. i just wanted you to know there are options.

the way that docs have treated you in the past - with the cold turkey off quaaludes and then in the hx off Ativan... is just preposterous. :(:mad: i'm so sorry you had to go through that.

should you ever want to try to get off Xanax in the future, my suggestion is to find a doc that will agree to work with you, starting with a switch to Valium and then subsequently tapering that. the switch needs to be at a dosage not less than 20 times the Valium as you are taking Xanax, in mg. that is the benzodiazepine equivalence, and undershooting that will cause problems. overshooting just a little might be prudent.

but you don't need to do anything at all, and i'm sorry if my posts sounded pushy. they were meant for your information only. :(

:hug:

~ waves ~

similarly, Mari
 

i was also not meaning to be pushy about the sleep meds. or sleep aids. or mood aids which help with sleep or whatever. just giving an opinion of what i think could help, if you chose to try a med. and also just my perspective about separating the issues of when-to-sleep and overall-not-sleeping.

i really hope it wasn't upsetting. if so, i am sorry. :o :hug:

~ waves ~

Waves,
Your posts are helpful, well informed, and to the issue at hand.

I am generally upset about my situation and my own response to it.

It is helpful sometimes (until it gets boring :o ) to write about it.
I hope that is ok -- that I persistently complain about my sleep situation.
I have a pretty good team right now ( strong internist, pdoc, sleep doc, tdoc).
Even so, at this time they have almost nothing for me.

So the people here on the boards help.
M.

Dear Waves,
How is the benzo taper going?
M.