and i don't feel like i have a right
 

then all these negative feelings (post above), and the fact that i had not seen my uncle since i was too young to even remember it :o ....

makes me feel like i'm emotionally making much ado about nothing.

i feel like i am not "supposed" to feel any loss.

like i am not allowed to be sad for this.

like my feelings don't count and are trivial compared to those who were actually in contact with my uncle.

i feel deprived and at the same time it seems selfish to feel that way.

it is awful, and it is confusing, too.

Feelings count
 

Waves,

My father told me not to come to his mother's funeral.
I wanted to go but I could not once he told me no.
A few days later, a cousin got on the phone with me and said SHE needed me that I she would pay for my trip. She and her husband even picked me up at the airport. So I went to the funeral not caring what my father thought.
Once he saw me, father was happy and relieved.


Your feelings count.
They are as real and a legitimate as anyone else's feelings.
Those feelings are in their own huge category and cannot be compared to others. Feel what you need to feel right now.

Separate yourself from whatever concern you have about others.


You deserve these feelings you have.
M.

Dear Mari
 

thank you. i will try to keep reminding myself i have a right to feel whatever i feel. i know that you are right about that, even if i don't feel right about it... i hate when that happens. well, when i can't seem to get it, i will come back and read your post.

i have to keep trying not to be obnoxious to my parents and sometimes i don't keep myself in check too well. it isn't just me though... my mother is digs up past things, then they argue over it and with the topic being batted back and forth, it is so easy for the tiniest comment to slip out of my fat mouth :eek: - happened tonight :( - which can lay a potential guilt trip on dad. of course it doesn't help anybody, not me and and especially not him - he lost his brother after all. :o:(

i am glad your cousin needed you at your grandmother's funeral, so that you got to go even after your dad said no. nobody should interfere in anybody else's going or not going to these occasions i think or try to figure out why people did or didn't go. hmphhh.

~ waves ~

Waves you do have the right to feel what ever you feel.
It is your actions/words that you will have to deal with the consequenses, since you are living with them.
I bet it is really hard biting your lip....I am sorry for that.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Waves
Not really sure what to say to you since everyone has already given you such great advice. I guess I just wanted you to know that I was reading your posts and trying to understand and sympathize with you. Good luck with your grieving process. You will just need a little time.

collinsc

no need to feel guilt. if you do have guilt, absolve yourself
 

Dear Waves,

People can get ugly at funerals.
When an aunt's husband died, the aunt's many siblings criticized her for lots of things. They tried to argue with her about the manner in which she brought her husband's body to their hometown for the service -- they seriously tried to argue with her over flying or driving, about how long she should stay in town, where she would stay, and so on . . . Then they kind of got on teams about who agreed with whom.

These kinds of family dynamics were often established in childhood.
And if someone (or two! :eek:) has anxiety (or other) issues, the whole thing gets worse. Thank goodness that we can exit ourselves from that quibbling / nitpicking / quarreling / fighting. I'm not saying that this is similar to your father's family.

For some people, unresolved issues that were simmering can come to the surface at times of extra stress.

Whatever your mom is going on about, has nothing to do with the actual issue. Do your best to keep ignoring her.

Please tell yourself not to feel guilt. Try to free yourself.

You did go to the funeral.
That was a big deal and that counts.

M.

cousins
 

Dear Waves, :hug: :hug: :hug:
Do you want to talk about your cousins?
Did you enjoying seeing them and their children?

M.

I hope you are able to sleep tonight.....you have been thru a lot!
((((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Waves

Your feeling are justified, and we want to hear them so please say
what you want and need.

Donna

((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

Dear Waves,

We care about you. http://bestsmileys.com/hugging/3.gif
Here is a big hug.

http://bestsmileys.com/hugging/4.gif


M.

I love this hug for waves!
bizi

oh heck
 

thank you all for the support and the hugs-all-different-kinds.

i just typed in a long post and managed to lose it. normally i have a way of handling/preventing this but i screwed that up too. i don't need tips on avoiding that - i just wanted to let people know i did try to post and messed up. i will try again later. right now i don't have the patience, forgive me. SIGH.

i also have to go clear up more - furnace tech is coming tomorrow (yeah, we have no heat and it's COLD. :()

~ waves ~

Waves,
If it isn't one thing than it is another! I guess this is where having coping skills comes into play!;) Well we all know I do not have any at this moment,:( but hopefully you do, and a very warm blanket!:eek: Good luck with the whole no heat thing, hopefully it gets fixed right away for you. :hug:

collinsc (colleen)

sorry to hear that your uncle passed away. he's in a better place.

Waves
I'm sorry to hear that the furnace is now acting up too.

Hopeing for some heat soon. I think you have had your share of
problems.

Donna:grouphug:

feeling crazy... another passing
 

the central heating is turned off. the furnace will have to be replaced but that can't happen till later in the year. i brought a space heater up too but cannot run it while asleep. :o

but everything i posted is now just backed up in my gut. i feel awful. i had an anxiety attack earlier. i feel overwhelmed.

... the latest? we got word yesterday that a family friend from my childhood died. :( i was quite relaxed and getting into the prelude of hotel california and my dad comes and hands me the letter. i ended up singing along with in a weird strained kind of trance. we knew she was ill with cancer. but still.

so now death is dashing around in my head like a squash ball. i watch tv and fall apart at the tiniest thing. anything remotely emotional and it doesn't matter good-bad - my gut goes in knots, much chest goes in knots, my throat gets a lump.

then over dinner i was venting about the overt (ILLEGAL) age discrimination here on employment ads. i was being a bit loud - i can be very loud and so can my parents - this was a bit loud, not very. also not rude, no foul language, no attacks on anyone. just expressing indignation / anger / desperation at an external situation. they told me to stop and not to get so upset - that they would understand if i was angry with them but i wasn't so what was the deal (expressing anger inappropriate because they were NOT the targets???? :confused:) i can't even vent about simple things now.

then my mom wanted help with a condolences letter. she needed a card / stationery too which is now all strewn on my bed - she didn't use it after all. about then is when the anxiety hit - trouble breathing etc.

i wrote a separate card. i actually wrote it right off when i found out. i just did not want to risk that they might not send anything or might not let me sign theirs for some stupid reason similar to why they wouldn't let me go see my uncle when he was alive. :(

i am just bent out of shape about everything.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
I'm sorry about your friend from childhood.

We are more in touch with emotions than people without bipolar.
They don't understand.
Give yourself lots of patience. It's ok that all this stinks. :hug: :hug: :hug:

M.

Waves

Breath in breath out, Take some deep breaths and remember that
god only gives us what we can deal with.

Sending you some love.

Donna:grouphug:

Dear WAves,
I am sorry for your anxiety attack.
You have been under a great amount of stress his week.
I am sorry for your friend's death.
Cancer is awful.....
I wish you had some privacy...I really wish things were different for you.
Rmeember you are in a benzo withdrawl situation and that affects everything.
please don't be too hard on yourself.
((((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Waves,
I am also so sorry about your friend. Even though she had cancer and it might have been expected it is just as hard! You are really going through a hard time and for this I am also sorry. Sorry, that seems to be all I can say to you! If you cannot vent to your parents do you have any friends you can talk to? I don't so I usually end up talking or venting to my therapist. Is that an option?

collinsc