the central heating is turned off. the furnace will have to be replaced but that can't happen till later in the year. i brought a space heater up too but cannot run it while asleep.

but everything i posted is now just backed up in my gut. i feel awful. i had an anxiety attack earlier. i feel overwhelmed.

... the latest? we got word yesterday that a family friend from my childhood died. i was quite relaxed and getting into the prelude of hotel california and my dad comes and hands me the letter. i ended up singing along with in a weird strained kind of trance. we knew she was ill with cancer. but still.

so now death is dashing around in my head like a squash ball. i watch tv and fall apart at the tiniest thing. anything remotely emotional and it doesn't matter good-bad - my gut goes in knots, much chest goes in knots, my throat gets a lump.

then over dinner i was venting about the overt (ILLEGAL) age discrimination here on employment ads. i was being a bit loud - i can be very loud and so can my parents - this was a bit loud, not very. also not rude, no foul language, no attacks on anyone. just expressing indignation / anger / desperation at an external situation. they told me to stop and not to get so upset - that they would understand if i was angry with them but i wasn't so what was the deal (expressing anger inappropriate because they were NOT the targets???? ) i can't even vent about simple things now.

then my mom wanted help with a condolences letter. she needed a card / stationery too which is now all strewn on my bed - she didn't use it after all. about then is when the anxiety hit - trouble breathing etc.

i wrote a separate card. i actually wrote it right off when i found out. i just did not want to risk that they might not send anything or might not let me sign theirs for some stupid reason similar to why they wouldn't let me go see my uncle when he was alive.

i am just bent out of shape about everything.

~ waves ~