Dear Bobby,
Is there a healthy safe way to express the rage??
Maybe the pdoc can help you with that.

Mari

that is a very good question and one I never asked dr moussavian. I hope i remember to ask him on monday. I am feeling a lot better today. I got a good night's sleep for me. I also wrote an apology to somebody I owed one to. I know I am a lot more psychologically healthy with my new emotional connections about being an imperfect perfectionist...I also know more firmly that I cannot take stress.
Bobby

I skipped my doctor's appointment yesterday..i was feeling sick and it was way too cold...I probably missed one or two other appointments in the past five and half years. I have to wait until a week from Friday. The rage flared up again last night but quickly dampened when I explained a situation to a dear friend and she thought I was wrong in my reaction...I called back my friend and rectified the situation and he said no big deal.
I just want to stay in the apartment and not deal with the outside world.
My close friend called from Israel and I didn't feel like talking....she is so understanding....An acquaintance told me to watch myself with my friends.
For instance, another friend invites me out to lunch sometimes on the weekend and often I say no. The acquaintance said watch out or she will stop asking. I said that won't happen. Most of my friends are decades old friendship and even if they don't understand me they know about my moods and how they don't reflect on my feelings towards them. I guess I am also taking them off the hook lol when I am in one of my moods.
Bobby
the imperfect perfectionist

((((((((((((((((((((((((morgy))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hope you are doing better today.

Nikko

I have been going up and down like a yo yo. My house cleaner said he might stop working for me. He said it is too hard. This time it didn't throw me for a loop. I think I was too tired. I just can't deal with problems. Except for going to ron's apartment three floors down I haven't left my apartment. I desperately need to go to the bank. If I don't go today I will force myself to go outside tomorrow.
Last night my friend Kent came over. He is amazingly supportive. He told me I looked nice and I hadn't even brushed my hair. Since I gained all this weight I never feel I look even halfway decent. I tend to refuse to look in the mirror.
Then he emailed me and wrote that I was balanced. I questioned him on that.
He said for all the traumas I have been through, I have come out amazingly well. When I said I don't like to leave my apartment, he casually said we all make choices that suit us at the time. I have known Kent for almost thirty seven years and he has seen me when I have looked well. Last night we talked about the book of Job and had the exact same interpretation, politics and other spiritual things. Abby was sitting in his lap most of the time and Yuki was by his side. It was very nice and he brought wine. After an hour and half I got very tired. I also had napped for a few hours in the afternoon.
My life is so strange.
Bobby
the imperfect perfectionist

Bobby -- you certainly didn't have a 'normal' childhood, by any means, and, given the brief explanation you gave, it's no wonder you get paranoid! You are at least rational in the longrun, whiich is a good thing, too!

It is sometimes healthy to let the anger out, esp if done in a 'harmless' way, but rage, that could be a bit scary. If you feel like staying in, do so - you know yourself better than anybody. You pdoc appt will come soon enough...

Please take care of yourself!

Jacquie